Weekend Review

I have not spent as much time outside of my house in the last 9 months as I did this weekend. Saturday consisted of two graduation parties (much to James's chagrin) and a welcome home party. Sunday was an obligatory visit to my mother so that she could "celebrate" my birthday--it also included one horrendous storm of the type that you don't want to be in the structure (modular on stilts) that we were in. Needless to say, we survived.

Party number one was for my next door neighbor's son. He is the one, I mentioned a while back (sorry I have a headache and can't find the right post to link to, who gave a wonderful eulogy... He is the one who often looked to my husband for guidance. I felt really bad because there appeared to be a low turnout and they had spent a bit of money on the hall and food. I was sorry that we couldn't stay longer. But it is also weird to not really know anyone. I am not a crowd person and find myself uncomfortable in situations such as that. The day was filled with those which is why I think that I have the headache I do. Stress.

Party number two was for Nik's boyfriend; another party at which a felt slightly uncomfortable. His family was nice though and James and I spent a good deal of it sitting out on the patio, attempting to catch any stray breeze that might happen to pass by on a rather stifling afternoon.

Party number three was a welcome home party for Nik's best friend. Her mother is also my best friend so this was a welcome respite from not knowing anyone. I still feel odd when I am out and about but I put most of that on myself. We finally made it home (after waiting out a thunderstorm...well two thunderstorms if you count having to wake up James to get him home).

Sunday was about going to my mom's for a cookout. The cookout ended up being hamburgers on a George Forman (sp) grill. She also bought a small cake for my birthday. Then a horrible, scary storm kicked up. I found out something else about myself. I can add to the growing list of things I am no longer afraid of in the aftermath (including but not limited to: flying, driving at high altitudes)--I no longer fear storms as I once had. The fact that I have lost these fears is, in itself, scary to me.

I hope everyone made it safely through the weekend.

Happy Birthday Me

Today is my birthday. I was born at 6:28 AM so I have already moved ahead...on into a year, an age, that he will never get to see or be. I dreaded this day ever since August 27th (the day after), whenever I let myself think about it. I would like for it to remain just a day now.

My husband always called it Double D-Day. One for Normandy. One for me. The funny thing is, our first home was located on Normandy St. Somewhere there is a zippo lighter commemorating that 50th anniversary of D-Day that I gave to him so he wouldn't forget.

Today the couch comes. I am trying to clean at least that little corner of my world as it will be difficult to move the couch once it is here. I am wondering if it will even fit in the door.

I have a feeling today is going to be very long. It's a day I want nothing to do with.

Balloon Release

That, above, is the new couch. I found it on the manufacturer's website. It is also a sleeper sofa for when people come to visit. It is mocha colored and I am a bit concerned about stainage, so I bought an extended stain warranty too. Wish us luck. I know somebody asked me-no, I haven't yet returned to the room. I don't think I can and I am starting to think that a move will be for the best. I am still so haunted here.

Tonight, Sandcastles is having a balloon release. I am a little petrified at the thought but we will go. One of Nicole's best friends has returned from almost a year out of country. Her mother is my best friend and is the woman I so often speak about helping me through. E., the daughter, was not here in August, so Nik invited her to the balloon release. Suddenly, there I am again. It is the day before D-Day... My birthday... when I officially get to an age he will never be.

Out with the old (and I mean really old)...In with the New...

Thanks to my dearest friend and her husband, I was able to move the couch out to the curb today. Why yes, after quite a few months, 5 to be exact, I have found a couch. At first, I didn't want to buy anything that he would never see...I didn't want to get rid of anything that he had never used... Baby steps, I guess. The new couch doesn't actually get here until Friday, but tomorrow is garbage day and I don't feel like having a ratty (and I do mean ratty) old couch hanging out in the backyard, when the backyard already looks a little sorry most of the time.

I bought my dearest friends dinner for their trouble. I kind of felt a little dorkish and "Oh Hai, let me hold the door for you and all..." as they took the brunt of moving the couch. The onion rings were burnt and had to be remade. Apparently, it got to a dicey part of the Stanley Cup Finals and the boys (boys used so loosely here that they'd slip of your wrist) forgot about the rings and they watched the game. It was a good time and James was up too late. But, I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Crazy Dreams and Crying Boys... A Conversation with my husband.

First off, thank you Melissa, for pointing that out to me. I guess it is the dichotomy of his relationship with his family, and some of the completely our of the ordinary things they have done (ex. setting up times to pull up in the driveway and honk the horn for James to come out...without telling me. That was what was on my mind for that post). I have welcomed them into our lives...his life, I guess. But it appears it shall only be on their terms. In my defense, a lot of this "moving on" has been suggested since Sept 1. Also, my husband's name is not to be brought up by his children. It saddens me I guess. But I cannot control the world.

James had a rather rough time of it last night. I don't know if it is jealousy or changes or just little boys being little boys...but most times he doesn't like his sister bringing her boyfriend over. It is a love hate relationship between James and his sister, for sure...just like siblings the world over, but this has a tendency to send him into a crying jag. Perhaps there being four, but one of the four isn't the one he expects.

"I want my Dad"... rocking in the swing. I took him there to calm him down last night. We sat and rocked and talked in the backyard. When his "best" friend gets mad at him he tells him,"I'm so glad I have a dad..." Things that make want to run and wring necks...but I can't. I can only tell him that it is a difficult thing for his friends to understand. That the permanancy is still something that he, and they, will grapple with. And then he confessed his still held guilt. That is what always gets to me. That this small (well not so anymore) would feel guilty for something beyond his control. I understand it, because I am there too. We glided for awhile and talked about changes, and that maybe moving would be for the best. We talked about him trying to stay by himself at night... I think he is almost there.

Bedtime came fast. I always try to physically exhaust myself to keep from thinking, which then leads to dreams. I think, because changes and moves had been on my mind all day, my husband popped up...across the breakfast bar, where he always sat after work, while I cooked. His face so sad... It was odd, because I could feel myself crying, even while sleeping.

We talked. About James...oh how sorry Leonard was.
About Nicole...still more sorrow.

What was I thinking of doing? His question.

I don't know.

Do what's best. You've always taken such good care of us all.

I don't know what to do.

And then this...

If given a chance at it again...where and with whom do you think you would end up?

If given a chance I didn't want, I wouldn't take it. I wish so much that you had realized that you were it for me. That there isn't another you. There is only me remaining of us. Yes, I will move, but never forward, to a person I wouldn't want as much as I want you...

Such sorrow on his face...and tears that were rarely seen from him in real life. And knowing, and realizing...

And then I woke up to start another day.

James did not yell at me this morning, as he so often does... that is a start.

Monday was much better...

We got a last minute invitation to a friend's daughter's birthday. It wasn't last minute on purpose...it's just who they are. I understand because, hey...I haven't ordered Nik's pictures yet, not to mention her announcements (which will now have to say "has graduated from..."). It was extremely warm yesterday (80's to high 80's all day). Perfect weather for a little girl's birthday and their baby boy is one who smiles all the time. In fact, he is the baby that cheered me up at the service, with his sunny smile and tongue sticking out. A real sweetie, that one. It was good for James to get out. I feel, so much, like we are losing contact with my inlaws, which isn't good for him...but helps me in small ways. They have a rather odd way of grieving and feel as if we all need to pick up and move on. That is just not something the kids and I can do. I also think it gives us all somewhat of a background into what my dearest had to deal with as a child and young man.

For those of you following James' budding baseball career, he actually stole home plate tonight and they blasted the Red Sox (little league sox of course) 15-10.

I am needing to be here, writing, more than I am at this moment. I am needing to thank so many of you for keeping up with us. I am grateful...and also tired so I guess it is bed time.

See ya tomorrow.

Sunday Morning Mourning

Somedays are better than others. The kids are off at a parade and I am thinking here, in the quiet mess that is this place, about him. We should be going to the parade to watch our kids ride the float for a local politician that Nik is interning for but I found myself crampy, and crying and feeling it better for them to go off and have a good time. So many lines in this song hit home with me...but one in particular.

"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice"

It is our last phone call...only I didn't know it was.