Thanks you Chloe, for the kick in the pants I needed to get going here again. It is so hard, in these crazy days of closing dates, inspections, home improvements and what not to keep my thoughts together.
I am, for the most part, in a better place for now. I look forward to leaving these haunting memories behind, and yet I will miss Nik in our twisted little "I love you-I hate you-come here-go away" relationship. She doesn't want to talk about me moving even as it looms in the very near tomorrow. She has a choice to come with and has opted not to. I do think it will be good for her to be on her own.
James has made a very good friend just recently and that will make it a bit harder for him to leave... but he wants to. Plus, they have email and trips up here or down there.
I have made the decision to have the movers just pack up everything because it broke me down for a good week when I started to pack things. So, for now, I'll just leave it.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Over it...
For now, at least. Monday was just a horrible, no good, very rotten kind of day. Those happen. Not as frequently, for I have gotten really good at pretending to be someone else. Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. Which is how I want it...need for it to be, at least in my real world. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.
I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...
Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.
My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.
Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.
Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.
Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.
On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.
This is the countertop
http://samples.wilsonart.com/images/PRODUCT/icon/467.jpg
The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked
http://dutchboy.com/colors/families/neutrals/versatile/index.jsp
The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.
I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...
Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.
My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.
Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.
Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.
Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.
On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.
This is the countertop
http://samples.wilsonart.com/images/PRODUCT/icon/467.jpg
The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked
http://dutchboy.com/colors/families/neutrals/versatile/index.jsp
The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Emails...and school memories...
My 20th reunion is coming up this weekend, I guess. I am not going. Not only because of my life these days but also because Leonard and I never went to those things. We kept in touch with those we wanted to from high school and moved on.
Today, logging into my computer, I found condolence notes from high school classmates. As you guess, I was instantly transported back to those breaking days of August '07. So I did what any stupid fool would do. I tried to find the source of the information. As I've said before (and which I am sure many of you find doubtful), Leonard and I were private people and I don't want my private pain (albeit very public here, but this blog isn't very traceable) blasted before a school that was made up of navel gazers and mutual admirers. I found it, finally, on an alumni archive page...and there's not really much I can do about it. It just angers me because we graduated the same year, he is my husband and all that blah, blah... Let it go Laura.
While looking at that page (and averting my eyes from his name) I also found a couple of classmates that I hadn't known had died. We are not being well and long lived here...this class of '88, at least in my high school. That made me melancholy this morning...when I should be doing stuff around the house.
Today, logging into my computer, I found condolence notes from high school classmates. As you guess, I was instantly transported back to those breaking days of August '07. So I did what any stupid fool would do. I tried to find the source of the information. As I've said before (and which I am sure many of you find doubtful), Leonard and I were private people and I don't want my private pain (albeit very public here, but this blog isn't very traceable) blasted before a school that was made up of navel gazers and mutual admirers. I found it, finally, on an alumni archive page...and there's not really much I can do about it. It just angers me because we graduated the same year, he is my husband and all that blah, blah... Let it go Laura.
While looking at that page (and averting my eyes from his name) I also found a couple of classmates that I hadn't known had died. We are not being well and long lived here...this class of '88, at least in my high school. That made me melancholy this morning...when I should be doing stuff around the house.
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Heat is On
And I don't just mean the furnace. Although, that had to be turned on yesterday. It has been so rainy here that this day of sunny weather is a bandaid for me.
It looks as if the builder in TX will take a contingent offer. Now, I have to list (and sell) my house as quickly as possible. It is very hard for me (an optimist turned pessimist over this last year) to think that this will actually happen but that is what I am doing. I am hoping that all will actually work out for this family this year.
Last night at Sandcastles (a family grief support group), James and I made a garden stone. I had been given two garden stones but it was nice to work on something with James... I think it turned out very nice (James planned it and I mixed the cement). James liked it so much that he wants to make a stone for each of us. As I thought about it, I think this is a very good idea... Instead of stones that focus on the loss, stones that focus on our family. That is what I have been trying to stress to the children. It is not our family that we have lost. Although, on my very bad days I have trouble believing that myself.
I am off to call my aunt/agent and hope that I can get this rolling. When I am finally motivated, I will post a picture of that stone.
It looks as if the builder in TX will take a contingent offer. Now, I have to list (and sell) my house as quickly as possible. It is very hard for me (an optimist turned pessimist over this last year) to think that this will actually happen but that is what I am doing. I am hoping that all will actually work out for this family this year.
Last night at Sandcastles (a family grief support group), James and I made a garden stone. I had been given two garden stones but it was nice to work on something with James... I think it turned out very nice (James planned it and I mixed the cement). James liked it so much that he wants to make a stone for each of us. As I thought about it, I think this is a very good idea... Instead of stones that focus on the loss, stones that focus on our family. That is what I have been trying to stress to the children. It is not our family that we have lost. Although, on my very bad days I have trouble believing that myself.
I am off to call my aunt/agent and hope that I can get this rolling. When I am finally motivated, I will post a picture of that stone.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Peeling back scabs
This is difficult, this packing up of our house. I gave many of his clothes to his brother. That hurt. What to keep, what to box up...all of it to cry over. And then I found a composition notebook ( I do a lot of my writing longhand) that was used in the week following that day... Notes about the pastor, the service, people's impressions of my dearest one. And a letter I wrote to him a week afterward.
Leonard,
Today I went to bed at 4:30, instead of waking you up. There are no arms around me, no whispered,"I love you" and "midnight goose"... This morning there wasn't any coffee to pour, or lunches to make. No waiting for you to say "books, keys, lunch money" so I knew it was time to kiss you before you left.
Leonard you are/were my life...and if it weren't for our children, I would gladly lay down beside you. I cannot bear the thought of the years stretching out without you and our much talked about plans. I told you last Saturday that we would have to die on the same day because I could not imagine me---without you. Sunday, my worst nightmare came true. And I was right.
I look back at that writing (and cry with the fresh pain of it all relived) and realize it is still true. I'm not me anymore. I am not screaming and shouting and thinking deathly thoughts anymore. But I am not the girl he loved anymore. I had to reinvent myself in order to breathe again. Because I was right. That me would have died right there.
Gosh... this is a hard, hard job. I wish I had a team of 100 instead of just 1. I wish I was Jeannie and could just make it so in one second flat.
Leonard,
Today I went to bed at 4:30, instead of waking you up. There are no arms around me, no whispered,"I love you" and "midnight goose"... This morning there wasn't any coffee to pour, or lunches to make. No waiting for you to say "books, keys, lunch money" so I knew it was time to kiss you before you left.
Leonard you are/were my life...and if it weren't for our children, I would gladly lay down beside you. I cannot bear the thought of the years stretching out without you and our much talked about plans. I told you last Saturday that we would have to die on the same day because I could not imagine me---without you. Sunday, my worst nightmare came true. And I was right.
I look back at that writing (and cry with the fresh pain of it all relived) and realize it is still true. I'm not me anymore. I am not screaming and shouting and thinking deathly thoughts anymore. But I am not the girl he loved anymore. I had to reinvent myself in order to breathe again. Because I was right. That me would have died right there.
Gosh... this is a hard, hard job. I wish I had a team of 100 instead of just 1. I wish I was Jeannie and could just make it so in one second flat.
How did it get this cold?
On the monorail to Epcot. More about that experience later...
Vikings have landed...and they don't like flash photography...
A really great shot (from the Fort Wilderness boat) of the Contemporary Resort at sunset...
How happy can one Grandma be? Yes, she was at the "Happiest Place on Earth"!!!
A truly happy boy at Downtown Disney. A 32 oz. slushy will do that to a kid.I will write more about our adventures later, I'm just trying to nail down that house...and get this one on the market. Hard to do, when it's me, myself and I... with absolutely no help. Yes, I'm openly complaining about my slothful children.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
On a ----loooonnnggggg--- vacation
Hey! I'm still here, but we're visiting the Mouse (aka Disneyworld) and he keeps a girl busy. Tomorrow we're heading back home and I'll be back up and blogging by Monday. I hope everyone is well. From the looks of it, I've bought you all souvenirs. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
