Introducing...Old MacDonald and Stewart Kittimus Prime

It is amazing because this little boy is very shy and ended up with the lead role in his school musical because...well...because he wasn't there that day and no one else raised their hand so...there you go. Old MacDonald-Stage debut in EIEI--Oops! He was wonderful and I had been so worried because he had become an inconsolable little monster with fretting about it, begging me to email his teacher and beg off...telling me I was a horrid mother etc... So I didn't invite anyone to the Spring Concert because I didn't want him to be embarassed. Then he went and blew them all away. Ad libbing these little overall hitches that had people rolling. Not on purposely swaying in the wrong direction most times during songs...then realizing he was getting laughs and continuing to do it. His music teacher winked at thim the whole time over it. I was proud...and also sad because, again, no dad. And I watched dad's carrying crying, bored little ones out. I watched a toddler walk up the steps shouting "Dada"... and was sad. Also, one of the classes sang "Grandma's Feather Bed", which was one of Leonard's favorite Denver songs and there was a beautiful piano solo of "Yesterday..." We celebrated with high 5's from everyone and ice cream.

And the second part of this post is to introduce you to Stewart Kittimus Prime. Yes, we love our black cats in this house and have always named them Merlin, but there is still a Merlin here. So he is Stewart (after Jon) and Kittimus Prime after Optimus Prime because Nicole is a Transformers Geek...of course, so am I...but only a little bit. I would have been happy with just Stewart, but now everyone is happy. He's a sweet little cuddly guy.

Graduation Day

What I've Done---Linkin Park

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

[Pre-Chorus]
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus]
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
Well I cleaned this slate
With the hands
Of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

[Chorus]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

[Chorus]
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

Our day started with this. This song. One, because it is Nicole's favorite movie, and her brother loves the song. I find the song makes me think of my husband-to where it almost sounds like his thoughts-but I was determined we would have one of Nicole's beloved "Dance Party" like moments this morning. We cuddled on the couch and sang "Happy Graduation Day" to our sister/daughter...and then got dressed.

And then the serious tears started. The night before I had given her a diamond peace pendant (you can see it in the photo with her brother) and made it from her Dad. I knew it was what he would have done...if he were here. I found the perfect card to go with...words that I know he would have used...I signed it "Dad"...

And we were off to the church. Her friend Michelle (pictured above) who has been like a daughter to us since she first came into our house to spend after school hours when she was ten...after the death of her own beloved father. That's Nonny in the middle (my daughter's grandmother and my mom). Tears at quotes like "I have learned that those we love and cherish the most are gone too soon..." To seeing my ( I swear to God she was only 3 yesterday) baby walk up to get her diploma, Pomp and Circumstance, tassels turned, hugs from beloved teachers... the tears welling up in my own father's eyes. All of it at times becoming to much. This yearning to feel my husband's suited shoulder up against mine...like all the other parents there in the church. Not to be. He would have been so proud of that NHS sash... He would have found her the most beautiful and accomplished young woman there. He was there, I have to believe that even as I go slowly crazy from all of this... I have to.

And onward to James's opening day for baseball season. Where my beautiful boy, who grows to look more like his daddy each day, got 3 hits, 3 RBI's and played a mean first base. Not bad for his first year.

God, it feels good to type here tonight.

Nicole is off to Senior lock in...James is up a little later than usual due to the chaos of the day. All is normal....except... There will always be that exception to kill me in the quiet hours.

Happy Mother's Day

To the wonderful friends I have made here, the family that may, or may not, lurk here...to all of you who are, or wish to be, Moms.

Today is hard. It used to start off with my husband and my son agreeing on the this question, posed by my husband,"We have the BEST Mommy in the world, don't we?" That won't happen. And each of these events: Mothers Day, Graduation, Prom...all of these things that he should be here for... are breaking me. The little inconsistancies, that grow with time, in my parenting, and/or lack of... scare me. I am making a mess of this. How does one do this? Change that, how does one do this when one doesn't want to, isn't the strong one, and isn't prepared???

Trips and Tears and Testng my limits

Prom went off without a hitch for Nicole... Well, there was one hitch. The one where I had to re-hitch the brooch part of her dress back on her dress after it dropped to the floor on their way out the door. She had a good time and they looked nice.

I am dull and drab and wishing that I had blogged here more often, instead of staring off into space. I think part of my problem is that, when the real hurting started, I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I haven't really "chatted" with anyone, haven't done much of anything. Unless you count the part where I went off as a chaperon on James's trip to Mackinac Island. That was a tough one because it not only was a visit to a place where Leonard and I had made many memories... we also stopped at Hartwick Pines, another of Leonard's favorite places. I spent a lot of time trying not to cry by throwing myself into the activities with the kids. Although it was bitter cold, I sat "up top" on the ferry to Mackinac with the boys in my group and we came really close to "Mighty Mac" and the boys loved getting ice cold spray in their faces. James? Well James was smart. James was down with another chaperone because he didn't want to "get cold". We were gone for two (pics of which I will have to scan in when I get them developed because we brought disposables)nights. I had to walk the halls each night between 2 and 3 AM...which isn't conducive to a good night's sleep and also leaves the grieving much more susceptible to crying bouts. I went outside at 3 AM, thinking I could have a good cry, and go to bed.. Only, when I came in, James's teacher was up and I could not hide the fact I had cried myself blotchy. He didn't say a word, though. I appreciated that.

I have more to write, but I also have two work reports to finish and if I don't do those well... Then I'll really be remiss. I've missed "being" here and hope I haven't worried anyone too terribly. I was just going through (still am) a spell of hating this and missing him and being disbelieving about the whole horrible mess.

Parent Appreciation Night

Last night was Nicole's schools' Parent Appreciation Night. Nicole goes to a school with a graduating class numbering in the 30's, so they can do this-without it ending up being an hours long event. It is hard for me to act "normal" in these situations. The saving grace is that Nicole's friend M lost her father when she was 10...so at least there is one person (her mother) who understands that odd, spacey, not wanting to do this without him, kind of attitude. It was very well put together by the kids with some very funny moments. For me, it was bittersweet. It was what Leonard, even more than I, had looked forward to, planned and parented on. He wasn't there, only present in his name on my bracelet. And all of these moments, strung together like those beads spelling out his name, make me sad. So very sad. So very still not wanting to do this thing on my own.

So much for Warm Weather

It was nice while we had it, for last week. It was good to see James out argu...er...figh...er...playing with his friends. I have been having such a difficult time of late that it is good for him to be able to run off with them for awhile. He started baseball and it appears he is a natural at 1st base.

Nicole has prom coming up on Friday, so I will be dusting off the hair pins and spray again for both her and her girlfriend. Her (Nicole's) dress is a flaming orange with matching shoes and perhaps we'll get a tiger lily for her hair.

It has been so long since I've written anything of much substance here and I hurt for it. It is just that so much is hitting me all at once that I don't know where to begin. With Nicole graduating, and the summer sports schedule coming up, it is almost hard to breathe. Thank you all for you constant concern and many kind words. I think I will spend the day visiting my favorite blogs and then come back for round two.

Rough patch

I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment and cannot seem to keep my head together for the time it would take to fill you in. I am hoping to be back soon. I had some days where I really thought I was losing it. Thanks for your concern.