Hibiscuses???....or Hibisci????

Whatever. I have two of them now. I actually bought them 3 weeks ago and finally got up off of duff to plant them. They look...well...they look tiny right now but hopefully they will grow (I don't grow things well) and not die and be big and bloomy and joyful joyness...soon.

Remember that flu I posted about? Well, it weren't the flu. (pesky freaking e again) James had strep. Really bad. I have to work on the fact that every illness that my children get isn't going to kill them. I am constantly talking about how insecure James is, when I am just as insecure at times. Times when my kids are sick. Or want to ride bikes. Or breathe even. Tough times.

But, he made it through, is slightly less worried about failing TAKS (dratted Texas testing system) and being kept in the 5th grade for the rest of his life... and he's playing first base again even though he thinks it's "too soon, Mom. I should be settled more..." Basically, I am pushing us along in this life that is now ours. I am finally back to worrying a little bit more about the mundane stuff. A little bit less about the fantastical kind of stuff.

We've been doing. And doing is good.

Flu and Fake Follicles

I don't know why I keep misspelling flu as flue these days. Also, I misspelled misspelled for the 8,457th time in my life. Thank you spell check.

James has/had the flu. All was going fine this weekend and then, Monday morning..."Mom, I don't feel good." Rare is it that he "feels good" on a Monday so I was cynical. And yet, because I am a mush, I called him in. And he didn't move. All. Day. Long. So, the kid was sick. He remained sick until about halfway through today. Isn't it funny, with the flu, how one second they are as sick as can be in a "oh my...should I call the dr. now?...now?" kind of way and then the very next it's all "I'm hungry", "you haven't fed me anything", "let's play catch"? I would think it was, anyway, if it didn't create 3 extra loads of laundry. Sigh.

On to faking a non-gray head. Yes, I've tinted (that's the correct word ladies, tinted. Not dyed. You dye anegg, not your hair. Old beauty school habits die hard...don't get me started on plucking... ) and cut my own hair again. Nothing exciting. Nothing really to see. In fact, given that I don't much post any pictures here that are less than 10 years old of me, you wouldn't notice the difference. Unless your name is James.

Oh, I got my Texas license in the mail last week. The lady told me she would make sure it looked "Great, Sweet Sugar!" before she sent it along. She lied.

Taking (good) care...another confession

It is kind of interesting, making everything just so in this (not so) little house of mine and James. It is funny how 2600-ish sq.ft (no basement though) of ranch can be made to feel cozy. I am buying a lot of warms...oranges, reds and greens, with some gold to accent my blah blah beige furniture choices. The bookcases that had belonged to Leonard's parents look absolutely stunning in the front hall and (believe it or not) have a very Spanish feel to them, due to the dark stain of the pine.

We are settling. Not without the bumps and slight bruising, but it's happening. On my terms. Finally.

Things such as my mother in law calling and saying,"Hi, this is Diane..." when I have always called her mom, bring a smile to my lips. It really just cannot matter anymore, can it?

And always Leonard. There in my mind. Still sometimes bringing me to tears at inopportune times. But not the heavy leaden Leonard that he was becoming in that little house. It still hurts, just not as an always kind of hurt. A little nick of hurt that sometimes becomes overwhelming there, in the bed we shared. Yes, isn't that something? Laura has returned to her bed. Different room, so I can pretend different bed.

And...

...taking better care. I share this with you now because I am acknowledging it here...to myself...for the first time. When I lost my love, I lost my desire to be really alive. One should think that one's children would be enough (especially when one's child is continuously worried about one's health) to keep one going. For me, it was not. Please don't harumph and garumph...for I have done that to myself enough. There was a time there...a year ago, where I may or may not have taken my heart meds, my blood pressure meds, all of those ridiculous meds--when or where I should have. There was a time my twisted, grieving mind thought that my children would understand death by heart failure. After all, how could it be helped? But, really, how could it be anything other than what my love, my life had done to them?

So it is with a willingness to stick this through that Laura tells you she has (faithfully) taken her medication on time each day, for the last...ohhh...4 to 5 months. And she will do nothing but. No matter how bad this living without him may seem, imagining the face of a little guy and his big sister who have seen and known far too much pain in their short lives, is more than enough to keep me filling that water glass.

...and!!!!

...I shave my legs again! Sorry for the TMI, boy bloggers!

Good night all.

Calm...really Calm.

It never ceases to stun me, how my emotions can range from craziness (What have I done?!?) to absolute contentment (I made dinner and there is a fire in the fireplace) and all the little spots in between.

Tonight is calm. I am in the study, for that's the only place I can go online until I figure out linksys and it's little flashing light of pain when I try to hook up wireless. James is in the living room, playing Animal Crossing on Wii. Thank you Santa for the surprise of Wii. I am Wiilieved that James enjoys it. I am Wiidiculously bad at it. Okay, I'll stop now. The animals are all cozy and I am thinking that I really, really have done the right thing. It has just been tough in these days after family left and my little one and I are left on our own. I feel as if I just went off to college. With a really big dorm, of course, but the first time away from my nuclear family all the same.

My cousins have been wonderful. We went to see Twilight last night (4th time for me and yes I have a problem) and went to a crawfish boil. Yummy...really yummy in my tummy. I finally have the plate on the front of my car-oh how it hurt to see drill holes made into a nice smooth bumper.

Things that are still a little a bit sad: I miss my daughter, father and best friend. I would like to see James getting fresh air and playing with friends (he has made some at school so it's a kind of good thing).

Things that are awesomely good: The weather has been craptastic up in Michigan this winter, and I haven't had to deal with it.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

...and eat ice cream. Even though her tummy hates it. We have had two good days since that last, horrible night. James has come straight home and we've done his math homework (Oh how I hate new terms like input and output and realizing how very little I know about algebra.). He has a couple of (sounds like they will be) good friends and hasn't really complained. When I tell him his friend John is in school a full hour ahead of him (due to the time change) it makes him happy. He hasn't yet realized that John is also out of school a full hour ahead of him but that's okay, for now.

Tonight it was a trip to the ice cream parlour and a visit to Blockbuster Video. James has been dying to see Hancock.

How come none of you Texans told me how troublesome it is to get plates down here and a driver's license? Good golly lolly... But, we officially have Texas plates on the car and I will go back (it pays to read the front of the phone book before you waste your time) tomorrow and get my license. I am hoping to get the Michigan house on the market here in the next week or so. I will be grateful if I can sell it.

Off to tuckle (we've always called it that) James in.

Good night!

Getting rid of guilt

And so it goes. There are wonderfully good days, where James and I play "SingStar" or Wii and laugh and laugh... and then there are days like today. His first day of school went well. I had emailed his teacher with our situation and also asked for her opinion on his day. I got a great response and laudatory comments on how respectful, sweet and well behaved James is. (hugh sigh of relief). When I picked James up, he seconded the great day comments.

We shopped for new gym shoes (Oh my gosh, how I love Academy) and went out to dinner with family. James also (***finally***) got to see the inside of a truck cab because Suzanne's brother is a truck driver.

and...


then...

We came home. As he was readying for bed (too late for my taste) he "realized" he still had homework. How does one "realize" they still have homework after answering their mother to the negative all afternoon?? Then came the meltdown, while I was trying to help him. Everything from the day was horrible, he hates the school, he misses everyone one, no he hates it up in Michigan too and doesn't want to "break any more hearts", and on and on. Sobbing little mess of a boy, scooped up in Mama's arms. I hushed away as much of the hurt as I could. I realize, on the sane side, that this is the result of being up too late last night, missing his daddy, and not understanding homework in a brand new school. The paranoid, "looking for signs" side of me worries that he is ruled by guilt (like his daddy) and that there is nothing I can do to change/stop/alter that. I have talked with family up in Michigan and family down here about not saying even the most innocuous little thing that might make him feel guilty. Tonight, even, he apologized and apologized and on and on...until I hushed him to sleep with assurances that it was I who took care of him and not the opposite. My broken little boy is now asleep.

This too, shall pass... I only hope it soon becomes less and less and that this was the right thing to do. I have missed you, my little voices of reason and assurance.

The New Normal

A picture of New Year's hilarity with the children.
James with his best friend, John, and his cousin Maddie (at back right) with her friend.

Here we are. The first day here in Texas, with just James and I. Nicole took off yesterday after spending 1 more day than they had planned. It is very hard to see your (gosh, she was just a newborn yesterday) daughter go 1400 miles away. She will be okay though.

James was lucky in that his best friend also made it down for the trip, along with Nicole's boyfriend. John is just this adorable little boy who has been dealt a rough hand in life and yet manages to be sweet. I think it helped James with the transisition to have a friend down. Today he registers for a school start tomorrow. He's scared, but I have my fingers crossed that he'll be okay.

There are still so many things to do and not so very much time to do them in. I just want to be "settled". But we all know that that can take years.