Back to "normal"

A picture of us that was left in my mom's camera. Memorial Day 2006. These are the things that seem so gone... so lost.
Shopping with "the aunts" in Old Town Spring. To the left is Aunt Rosalie, Leonard's aunt, and behind me is Aunt Sharon, another of Leonard's aunts. It means the world to me that family ties remain tied.
Mr. Blue Crab. The day we don't bring a trap to the Gulf, there's an abundance of crabs.

My mom and grandma were down for 2 weeks after a 1 week visit up to Michigan for James' Spring Break. Spring Break comes so early down here. It was a disjointed 21 days and now I find I have to string myself back together again. It was a whirlwind of visiting up there, the rodeo down here, San Antonio and the Gulf Coast. Now...peace and quiet and trying to get my head back together.

Up Days, Down Days...and Birthdays...

Yesterday was Nik's birthday. It felt--weird-- to not be there. Poppy stood in and took her to lunch. James and I will be there in a few short days to belatedly celebrate. James has bought her something that I'm dying to tell you about, but I don't know if she still knocks around in here so it'll keep.

The days are up. The days are down. It's your yo-yo Rach. I was hanging some paintings and, in the midst of excitement over an excellent purchase made, it all became almost worthless again. Why, do I do this? This moving on without him? the crazy part of my brain shouts. It is not as verbal these days as it once was, but the pain (short as it is) is numbing...crushing...

and then...

James has a friend over and things are a little up again. I look at the painting I got the great deal on and am happy. It's tuscan in its influence, carries the VERY LARGE dining room wall well and can be paired with sconces (thank you, new dear friend Sandy), or mirrors, or whatever else I get a very good deal on. The shop is a little one in Old Town Spring called, "Harper's Fabulous Finds" and the owner is a gracious, knowledgeable, wonderful woman...as is her nephew. It is very hard not to crush on him a little when you walk in the door.

So... We're going back up to Michigan for a week this Friday. I dread the cold, dread the guilt that will be placed around James' shoulders like a too snug sweater... but, there it is.

Hibiscuses???....or Hibisci????

Whatever. I have two of them now. I actually bought them 3 weeks ago and finally got up off of duff to plant them. They look...well...they look tiny right now but hopefully they will grow (I don't grow things well) and not die and be big and bloomy and joyful joyness...soon.

Remember that flu I posted about? Well, it weren't the flu. (pesky freaking e again) James had strep. Really bad. I have to work on the fact that every illness that my children get isn't going to kill them. I am constantly talking about how insecure James is, when I am just as insecure at times. Times when my kids are sick. Or want to ride bikes. Or breathe even. Tough times.

But, he made it through, is slightly less worried about failing TAKS (dratted Texas testing system) and being kept in the 5th grade for the rest of his life... and he's playing first base again even though he thinks it's "too soon, Mom. I should be settled more..." Basically, I am pushing us along in this life that is now ours. I am finally back to worrying a little bit more about the mundane stuff. A little bit less about the fantastical kind of stuff.

We've been doing. And doing is good.

Flu and Fake Follicles

I don't know why I keep misspelling flu as flue these days. Also, I misspelled misspelled for the 8,457th time in my life. Thank you spell check.

James has/had the flu. All was going fine this weekend and then, Monday morning..."Mom, I don't feel good." Rare is it that he "feels good" on a Monday so I was cynical. And yet, because I am a mush, I called him in. And he didn't move. All. Day. Long. So, the kid was sick. He remained sick until about halfway through today. Isn't it funny, with the flu, how one second they are as sick as can be in a "oh my...should I call the dr. now?...now?" kind of way and then the very next it's all "I'm hungry", "you haven't fed me anything", "let's play catch"? I would think it was, anyway, if it didn't create 3 extra loads of laundry. Sigh.

On to faking a non-gray head. Yes, I've tinted (that's the correct word ladies, tinted. Not dyed. You dye anegg, not your hair. Old beauty school habits die hard...don't get me started on plucking... ) and cut my own hair again. Nothing exciting. Nothing really to see. In fact, given that I don't much post any pictures here that are less than 10 years old of me, you wouldn't notice the difference. Unless your name is James.

Oh, I got my Texas license in the mail last week. The lady told me she would make sure it looked "Great, Sweet Sugar!" before she sent it along. She lied.

Taking (good) care...another confession

It is kind of interesting, making everything just so in this (not so) little house of mine and James. It is funny how 2600-ish sq.ft (no basement though) of ranch can be made to feel cozy. I am buying a lot of warms...oranges, reds and greens, with some gold to accent my blah blah beige furniture choices. The bookcases that had belonged to Leonard's parents look absolutely stunning in the front hall and (believe it or not) have a very Spanish feel to them, due to the dark stain of the pine.

We are settling. Not without the bumps and slight bruising, but it's happening. On my terms. Finally.

Things such as my mother in law calling and saying,"Hi, this is Diane..." when I have always called her mom, bring a smile to my lips. It really just cannot matter anymore, can it?

And always Leonard. There in my mind. Still sometimes bringing me to tears at inopportune times. But not the heavy leaden Leonard that he was becoming in that little house. It still hurts, just not as an always kind of hurt. A little nick of hurt that sometimes becomes overwhelming there, in the bed we shared. Yes, isn't that something? Laura has returned to her bed. Different room, so I can pretend different bed.

And...

...taking better care. I share this with you now because I am acknowledging it here...to myself...for the first time. When I lost my love, I lost my desire to be really alive. One should think that one's children would be enough (especially when one's child is continuously worried about one's health) to keep one going. For me, it was not. Please don't harumph and garumph...for I have done that to myself enough. There was a time there...a year ago, where I may or may not have taken my heart meds, my blood pressure meds, all of those ridiculous meds--when or where I should have. There was a time my twisted, grieving mind thought that my children would understand death by heart failure. After all, how could it be helped? But, really, how could it be anything other than what my love, my life had done to them?

So it is with a willingness to stick this through that Laura tells you she has (faithfully) taken her medication on time each day, for the last...ohhh...4 to 5 months. And she will do nothing but. No matter how bad this living without him may seem, imagining the face of a little guy and his big sister who have seen and known far too much pain in their short lives, is more than enough to keep me filling that water glass.

...and!!!!

...I shave my legs again! Sorry for the TMI, boy bloggers!

Good night all.

Calm...really Calm.

It never ceases to stun me, how my emotions can range from craziness (What have I done?!?) to absolute contentment (I made dinner and there is a fire in the fireplace) and all the little spots in between.

Tonight is calm. I am in the study, for that's the only place I can go online until I figure out linksys and it's little flashing light of pain when I try to hook up wireless. James is in the living room, playing Animal Crossing on Wii. Thank you Santa for the surprise of Wii. I am Wiilieved that James enjoys it. I am Wiidiculously bad at it. Okay, I'll stop now. The animals are all cozy and I am thinking that I really, really have done the right thing. It has just been tough in these days after family left and my little one and I are left on our own. I feel as if I just went off to college. With a really big dorm, of course, but the first time away from my nuclear family all the same.

My cousins have been wonderful. We went to see Twilight last night (4th time for me and yes I have a problem) and went to a crawfish boil. Yummy...really yummy in my tummy. I finally have the plate on the front of my car-oh how it hurt to see drill holes made into a nice smooth bumper.

Things that are still a little a bit sad: I miss my daughter, father and best friend. I would like to see James getting fresh air and playing with friends (he has made some at school so it's a kind of good thing).

Things that are awesomely good: The weather has been craptastic up in Michigan this winter, and I haven't had to deal with it.

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

...and eat ice cream. Even though her tummy hates it. We have had two good days since that last, horrible night. James has come straight home and we've done his math homework (Oh how I hate new terms like input and output and realizing how very little I know about algebra.). He has a couple of (sounds like they will be) good friends and hasn't really complained. When I tell him his friend John is in school a full hour ahead of him (due to the time change) it makes him happy. He hasn't yet realized that John is also out of school a full hour ahead of him but that's okay, for now.

Tonight it was a trip to the ice cream parlour and a visit to Blockbuster Video. James has been dying to see Hancock.

How come none of you Texans told me how troublesome it is to get plates down here and a driver's license? Good golly lolly... But, we officially have Texas plates on the car and I will go back (it pays to read the front of the phone book before you waste your time) tomorrow and get my license. I am hoping to get the Michigan house on the market here in the next week or so. I will be grateful if I can sell it.

Off to tuckle (we've always called it that) James in.

Good night!