A few entries back, I wrote about tying knots (hey look, I have figured out how to link to past posts now too, so no more "see previous post abouts" from me). I would have been kicked out of Boy Scouts. Many times I have trouble "tying".
What I want to say is that in so many ways, over the last few days especially, so many of you have tied them for me...or actually have been the knot. Your words become something to hang onto when I cannot find the right words to tell my self. The past few days have been hazy, dazey, and-to borrow from "Ellen"-"what the February" kind of days. Days that I spend a good deal of crying and, I will confess, wishing a little bit that my heart might just stop. Just a little bit. And then one of you would write something so perfect in the comments, or post an entry on your own blog, or come out of lurkdom to say hi or share your own painful stories with me. Sometimes it is old friends, from DU, stopping by (they have been so very good, almost too good, to me)Sometimes it was one of my fellow widows reaching out to let me know that they have felt this way too. You're letting me know that I'm "okay". Right when I need it. Some of you have been so very perceptive as to read between the lines I write here to send a note, and thereby open lines of communication and strengthening bonds of friendship. Friendships that have been the gift of this tragedy. People, perhaps, that I would not even have known if it had not been for this. Alone is what I have felt for a very long time. My family=somewhat dysfunctional in an almost humorous sort of way if it wasn't for the fact that one yearns for people to see them through this. Friends have a, rightful, way of moving on with their lives. I would move away from me too, most days, if I could. But you are all so steadfast and honest in your offers of friendship, your comments, opinions and input.
I have turned this into a mushy, gushy post for good reason.
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had moments of almost peacefulness. I have a lot of you to thank for that. I can never thank you enough.
As Betsey put it, so very well, that this too will probably pass. But I savour it for now and try not to jiggle it too much.
A side note: I wish to send you all to this wonderful entry on Grief. As so often happens, Rachael nails it. How I wish she were my son's teacher.
Good night all.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Crazy Little Things about Food
Courtney tagged me for this the other day and I think it is a fine way to put something a little less wrenching here. Thank you Courtney.
The rules are, as follows,
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them)
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs.
Here goes:
1. I absolutely hated asparagus until my husband suggested I put apple cider vinegar on them. Now they are one of my favorite vegetables.
2. The same thing with spinach. Only, this time, he suggested lemon juice and, OMG, Yum.
3. The thing I (used to) love to make most was Chicken and Dumplings from scratch. Rolled out dumplings laid on top. It was my husband's absolute favorite dish. I tried making it once, after, and I found I cannot.
4. We have eaten far too much take out pizza lately.
5. One time my husband made frozen fish sticks for himself and Nik and he messed it right the hell up. How does one do that? I'll tell you how. Mr "I don't have time for this kitchen stuff" figured that, if the box said 400 for 35 minutes, he could cook them at 500 for 15 and split the difference. Ummm...no. I got home from work and was told the fish (yeah, the FROZEN fish) was "bad". I think that was the last time he turned on the stove for more than tea.
I know I am supposed to tag 5 but my mouth hurts and I believe I'll have a nap. It's a fun meme and if you wish to do it, then you are tagged!
The rules are, as follows,
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them)
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs.
Here goes:
1. I absolutely hated asparagus until my husband suggested I put apple cider vinegar on them. Now they are one of my favorite vegetables.
2. The same thing with spinach. Only, this time, he suggested lemon juice and, OMG, Yum.
3. The thing I (used to) love to make most was Chicken and Dumplings from scratch. Rolled out dumplings laid on top. It was my husband's absolute favorite dish. I tried making it once, after, and I found I cannot.
4. We have eaten far too much take out pizza lately.
5. One time my husband made frozen fish sticks for himself and Nik and he messed it right the hell up. How does one do that? I'll tell you how. Mr "I don't have time for this kitchen stuff" figured that, if the box said 400 for 35 minutes, he could cook them at 500 for 15 and split the difference. Ummm...no. I got home from work and was told the fish (yeah, the FROZEN fish) was "bad". I think that was the last time he turned on the stove for more than tea.
I know I am supposed to tag 5 but my mouth hurts and I believe I'll have a nap. It's a fun meme and if you wish to do it, then you are tagged!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Six Months
Oh baby, how can that be? How can we have been apart from each other this long. It hit me as I sat in the dentist's chair this morning to finally get that tooth removed. Remember the one that I broke on James' birthday in August? I remember. I remember how you got up all night to get more ice. How you made soup and then ran to the store to buy one of every soft, squishy thing that they had for me to eat. I remember the Vernors. You always thought that Vernors would make everything all better. I wish with all my might that I had taken just one sip in all our time together. One sip to bring a smile to your face. I hate myself for that.
I spent all last night awake--thinking of you while blocking your face out. I am afraid to think of your face. To remember those little boy looks and how ticklish your beard would feel when it was growing out and you would rub it on my neck. If it is possible, I miss your touch more with every day.
I keep trying not to connect every single thing I see, do or say to you but I find it has gotten harder not to. I can't even find a solid quarter sized spot on the wall anymore for my eyes to turn to so my mind can escape this pain. I wish, wish, WISH you could have known that I was being so very honest with you when I told you ( a million times 10) what would happen to me if we were no longer us. The girl you thought was independent isn't. She just knew how to argue. The job you thought could support us has become a wearying, troublesome burden. And all of it without you. I wanted to call you and cry about my teeth. You were always so good about putting up with that. I wanted to come home to your hugs. The hugs you reserved for when I was hurting because you weren't so very huggy most times.
Your niece and nephew miss you so much. They are having such a hard time. A coworker of yours called me near tears. You know, the one you coached and mentored and saved from himself? And there is nothing any of us can do to make this right or put it to bed.
For the very first time, my love, I didn't flinch in the chair when she gave me the shot. Nothing compares to wounds of my soul. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always. I wish that somehow that could have transcended everything else that went so very wrong those three days.
I spent all last night awake--thinking of you while blocking your face out. I am afraid to think of your face. To remember those little boy looks and how ticklish your beard would feel when it was growing out and you would rub it on my neck. If it is possible, I miss your touch more with every day.
I keep trying not to connect every single thing I see, do or say to you but I find it has gotten harder not to. I can't even find a solid quarter sized spot on the wall anymore for my eyes to turn to so my mind can escape this pain. I wish, wish, WISH you could have known that I was being so very honest with you when I told you ( a million times 10) what would happen to me if we were no longer us. The girl you thought was independent isn't. She just knew how to argue. The job you thought could support us has become a wearying, troublesome burden. And all of it without you. I wanted to call you and cry about my teeth. You were always so good about putting up with that. I wanted to come home to your hugs. The hugs you reserved for when I was hurting because you weren't so very huggy most times.
Your niece and nephew miss you so much. They are having such a hard time. A coworker of yours called me near tears. You know, the one you coached and mentored and saved from himself? And there is nothing any of us can do to make this right or put it to bed.
For the very first time, my love, I didn't flinch in the chair when she gave me the shot. Nothing compares to wounds of my soul. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always. I wish that somehow that could have transcended everything else that went so very wrong those three days.
Monday, February 25, 2008
On Me...Being Mean...
In the space of 24 hours I have:
Been truly nasty (interspersed with bouts of self pity) on a message board I told myself never to return to.
Had to walk outside in short sleeves in really cold temps and stay there for 10 minutes. I was calming myself down instead of taking "it" out on my kids.
Forgotten to feed the dog three times, grabbed the bag, and then thought of something else and left the bag. (no worries, she is fed and happily cuddling with my son)
Realized for the 8,923 time that this is really my life now and I have to suck it up. Only, I don't think it's really realizing because, if it were, I would have to keep realizing.
Washed the same load of laundry twice because I keep forgetting to move it to the dryer...and I wonder why my son's jeans rip out at the knee so quickly.
Gotten really angry over the whole, Brad Renfro was left out of the Oscar tribute, news.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=24500
I feel so badly for all of those who knew and loved him. That has to hurt so badly.
Worried about my dad eleventy billion times. His company (a major supplier for the big 3) is about to walk out on a UAW strike deadline of midnight. He just needs to hang in there a few more years and then he'll be okay.
Missed my husband with each passing minute. I lashed out at my SIL. That she couldn't possibly say and/or know how I will feel in later years. Right now it feels as if I will always wake up with this wrenching away in my gut. Right now I suffocate on it. I need to learn manners. I need to bite hard on my lip.
and...
Yay, spellcheck works again.
Been truly nasty (interspersed with bouts of self pity) on a message board I told myself never to return to.
Had to walk outside in short sleeves in really cold temps and stay there for 10 minutes. I was calming myself down instead of taking "it" out on my kids.
Forgotten to feed the dog three times, grabbed the bag, and then thought of something else and left the bag. (no worries, she is fed and happily cuddling with my son)
Realized for the 8,923 time that this is really my life now and I have to suck it up. Only, I don't think it's really realizing because, if it were, I would have to keep realizing.
Washed the same load of laundry twice because I keep forgetting to move it to the dryer...and I wonder why my son's jeans rip out at the knee so quickly.
Gotten really angry over the whole, Brad Renfro was left out of the Oscar tribute, news.
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=24500
I feel so badly for all of those who knew and loved him. That has to hurt so badly.
Worried about my dad eleventy billion times. His company (a major supplier for the big 3) is about to walk out on a UAW strike deadline of midnight. He just needs to hang in there a few more years and then he'll be okay.
Missed my husband with each passing minute. I lashed out at my SIL. That she couldn't possibly say and/or know how I will feel in later years. Right now it feels as if I will always wake up with this wrenching away in my gut. Right now I suffocate on it. I need to learn manners. I need to bite hard on my lip.
and...
Yay, spellcheck works again.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
A few more pictures
I'm hoping to get my head back together. It's been a rough weekend.
The Alamo at Night
View from hotel room in San Antonio
New sheriffs in town
Acting goofy with his cousin
The Alamo at Night
View from hotel room in San Antonio
New sheriffs in town
Acting goofy with his cousin
Friday, February 22, 2008
More Pictures
Nik and James in front of the Alamo. It never ceases to amaze me how, in pictures we take in front of famous landmarks, everyone looks photoshopped in. This day was a little dreary, but still warmer than anything MI could come up with.
The whole group (minus R) in front of the Alamo. It's crazy how, for lack of a better word, SURROUNDED it is-by shops, and The Guiness Book or World Records and other such traps for tourists. You can walk about 10 steps from Davy Crockett's last stand and sample some Ben and Jerry's. I had always imagined it surrounded by acres of land.
James and Nik, at Dick's Last Resort on the Riverwalk. A fine family restaurant...er...ah...erm...ahem. And that's all I will say about that.
Wedding Island. How beautiful is that? Many, many weddings take place here.
Nicole and our river guide. She kind of had a crush on him so I kind of tipped him 10 bucks in exchange for this shot.
I will do these in sets of five. Why? because Blogger is stingy and that's all I can get. Tonight is a not so very good, weekend looming ahead with nothing in it, kind of night. I wish I could sleep through the weekends and not have the children taken from me. All at the same time I wish that time would speed up, fall backward, do something other than this. I am already planning my next "run" and I wonder how long one can keep this up.
The whole group (minus R) in front of the Alamo. It's crazy how, for lack of a better word, SURROUNDED it is-by shops, and The Guiness Book or World Records and other such traps for tourists. You can walk about 10 steps from Davy Crockett's last stand and sample some Ben and Jerry's. I had always imagined it surrounded by acres of land.
James and Nik, at Dick's Last Resort on the Riverwalk. A fine family restaurant...er...ah...erm...ahem. And that's all I will say about that.
Wedding Island. How beautiful is that? Many, many weddings take place here.
Nicole and our river guide. She kind of had a crush on him so I kind of tipped him 10 bucks in exchange for this shot.
I will do these in sets of five. Why? because Blogger is stingy and that's all I can get. Tonight is a not so very good, weekend looming ahead with nothing in it, kind of night. I wish I could sleep through the weekends and not have the children taken from me. All at the same time I wish that time would speed up, fall backward, do something other than this. I am already planning my next "run" and I wonder how long one can keep this up.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
We're Baaaa---aaaack...
Two extended delays, a ripped coat lining, 210 crabby fellow fliers and an exhausted couple of kids later, we got back Monday evening. The wall started building itself back up almost upon entry to the house so I took a couple of blog free days off. You wouldn't have liked me much those days anyway so trust me when I say it is no big loss.
The children had a great time. They both had cameras and all of the pictures I will post over the next few days will be from their viewpoint. We found out that James is quite the budding photographer, with a real eye for composition.
Leonard's cousin has a really great home in Houston. A lot of home can be had for a very little amount of money. It gets one's head spinning with ideas while one sits in the balmy air, drinking coffee and contemplating the 12 degree temps back home. But Texas and I wouldn't get along very well and it would end up being a nasty split. So, here we are.
We did not do much of anything really. A short side trip to San Antonio (stay at the Drury Plaza Hotel if you go...what an amazing view from the jacuzzi on the roof) and the Riverwalk. I was able to block out Leonard thoughts here and there until we hit the Alamo. Leonard would have loved the Alamo, the Riverwalk, walking around town. Grief got to me and I was not expecting it while viewing a movie in the Alamo longhouse. Hearing the tales of the women of the Alamo (amazing how not much is said about them in our history books, eh?) watching their husband's die...children losing their daddies... and I became breathless and overwhelmed with it all again. There are so often the times when I think that this can't possibly be real. It still doesn't, and probably never will, feel real.
We took the boat ride (the guided tour) down the river. You can almost forget you are in America and mentally transport yourself to some of the side canals in Venice. Not that I've been to Venice but it felt like how it might be like. We stopped at La Villeta, a village of artisans along the riverwalk, and I bought a pair of peridot earrings, and a peridot ring for Nik. I was going to keep it for her birthday, but I am not good at keeping things a secret.
It was, most of all, good to see James with a real smile on his face. He loves his cousin M. and she is the only girl type person that he actively seeks out for play. They had a great time together and the visit itself was all too short for them.
I get the feeling that this post is rather disjointed and I'm really not feeling like myself so I'll leave you for now with a few pictures.
James and Nik attempt to take a photograph of themselves in the H.E.B. parking lot because they are crazy like that.
Goofing off at Pappacito's, a cabana type restaurant. Everyone got a rose for Valentine's day and this is what the kids did with theirs. Okay, well, everyone did it. It made me awfully glad that Leonard and I did not celebrate Valentine's day as a "romantic" holiday. It was always family oriented.
Nicole and her cousin N. sleeping in the back of the car on the way to San Antonio. N. has, since birth, adored her. It's amazing the things she can get him to do (like sleep) when others have failed miserably.
Right outside our hotel entrance on the Riverwalk. If one goes to San Antonio, and the Riverwalk, one should stay right on the Riverwalk. I would like, someday, to stay at La Mansion, with its beautiful balconies overlooking the river. Of course, this was the day where the reality of my aloneness hit and the rest of the visit was rather melancholy.
We plan on driving down again over spring break, as my aunt and uncle were gone from San Antonio and I was not able to visit them. I ache for warmth. At least one thing to be pretty or perfect, or at least tolerable these days.
The children had a great time. They both had cameras and all of the pictures I will post over the next few days will be from their viewpoint. We found out that James is quite the budding photographer, with a real eye for composition.
Leonard's cousin has a really great home in Houston. A lot of home can be had for a very little amount of money. It gets one's head spinning with ideas while one sits in the balmy air, drinking coffee and contemplating the 12 degree temps back home. But Texas and I wouldn't get along very well and it would end up being a nasty split. So, here we are.
We did not do much of anything really. A short side trip to San Antonio (stay at the Drury Plaza Hotel if you go...what an amazing view from the jacuzzi on the roof) and the Riverwalk. I was able to block out Leonard thoughts here and there until we hit the Alamo. Leonard would have loved the Alamo, the Riverwalk, walking around town. Grief got to me and I was not expecting it while viewing a movie in the Alamo longhouse. Hearing the tales of the women of the Alamo (amazing how not much is said about them in our history books, eh?) watching their husband's die...children losing their daddies... and I became breathless and overwhelmed with it all again. There are so often the times when I think that this can't possibly be real. It still doesn't, and probably never will, feel real.
We took the boat ride (the guided tour) down the river. You can almost forget you are in America and mentally transport yourself to some of the side canals in Venice. Not that I've been to Venice but it felt like how it might be like. We stopped at La Villeta, a village of artisans along the riverwalk, and I bought a pair of peridot earrings, and a peridot ring for Nik. I was going to keep it for her birthday, but I am not good at keeping things a secret.
It was, most of all, good to see James with a real smile on his face. He loves his cousin M. and she is the only girl type person that he actively seeks out for play. They had a great time together and the visit itself was all too short for them.
I get the feeling that this post is rather disjointed and I'm really not feeling like myself so I'll leave you for now with a few pictures.
James and Nik attempt to take a photograph of themselves in the H.E.B. parking lot because they are crazy like that.
Goofing off at Pappacito's, a cabana type restaurant. Everyone got a rose for Valentine's day and this is what the kids did with theirs. Okay, well, everyone did it. It made me awfully glad that Leonard and I did not celebrate Valentine's day as a "romantic" holiday. It was always family oriented.
Nicole and her cousin N. sleeping in the back of the car on the way to San Antonio. N. has, since birth, adored her. It's amazing the things she can get him to do (like sleep) when others have failed miserably.
Right outside our hotel entrance on the Riverwalk. If one goes to San Antonio, and the Riverwalk, one should stay right on the Riverwalk. I would like, someday, to stay at La Mansion, with its beautiful balconies overlooking the river. Of course, this was the day where the reality of my aloneness hit and the rest of the visit was rather melancholy.
We plan on driving down again over spring break, as my aunt and uncle were gone from San Antonio and I was not able to visit them. I ache for warmth. At least one thing to be pretty or perfect, or at least tolerable these days.
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