Monday, January 21, 2008

Tie a knot, Laura, tie a KNOT

That is what I am trying to do. Find something to hang on to.
I took the kids to the mall today. Well, I took James and we met up with Nicole there. My mother came with us and I took them all out to dinner.
I am, lately, feeling rather inadequate. I just cannot get past the thought of him not being here with me, the memories of how wonderful our life was...and the wishing I had appreciated it more.
Of thinking about looking for houses and wondering, if we had moved, would he still be here.
This is killing me...who I was, who I was meant to be.
As we walked through the mall I saw the spot where we shared our first kiss-right outside of Sears, where Record Town used to be. We were 18 and he looked a little like James Dean in his leather jacket, and my girlfriend was jealous. He was the best kisser.
Tonight I saw someone who looked like him. and then he turned around and it wasn't him. It will never be him.
There used to be (back in the 80's) a D.J. here called MoJo. No one knew what he looked like because, on any advertisements that featured the DJs, he was blur. He used to end his show with the same 3 minute monologue every night. The very last words were, "When you feel like you've reached the end of your rope, tie a knot...and hang on." That is what I am trying to do. I am afraid of slipping.

24 comments:

Shari said...

Laura, hang on to that rope. You always come up with some thing small that happened a long time ago and now it has so much meaning. I admire that.

Regarding to your previous post, Shelties are great barkers. The adage, "It's bark is worse than its bite" must have come from a Sheltie owner.

Ronni said...

One of Jim's former (and graduated) students told me that he thought the thing I was best at was being Mrs Prior. That it was as if being Jim's wife was what I was born to be.

He still has no idea how much that hurt, and how much it was true. Jim and I met when we were in our 30s and married when we were around 50, so we each had separate and varied lives before we got together.

Still, I know it was true, and that's why I'm at loose ends now.

Hang in there. I'm sure there are a lot of widows out there who are in the same condition.

We have to trust that life has something else in store for us. and that we will find it.

Anonymous said...

If you want a knot to hang onto, think about your mom raising your kids.

Gina said...

Whoa, anonymous, that's pretty bold.

But Laura, I hope you make that knot mighty big, and maybe put something really sticky on it so that it's easier to hold on.

We're here for you, there are so many fabulous people that care for you. Know that, and weave that into your knot as well.

Kathy said...

No words of wisdom here, I am just glad you are finding ways to hang on tight, and you just keep tying those knots as many and as large as you need.
I hope that in some small way, our caring about you, is helping to 'throw you a rope' when needed.

Sharpie said...

*securing a tire to the bottom of the rope*

Now, sit and swing for a bit.

Big hugs!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Laura,

I think if I always feel about Mr. Hallisicle the way you did about your husband, I will be blessed.

I am devestated that you have to go through this experience but I am in awe of your strength and love.

Hallie

Rebecca said...

I think this entry IS your knot. Hang onto it. Hang on to that call for help and support, hang on to those kids, hang on to all of us who care for you, whether we “know” you or not. Take a swing on Sharpie’s tire, feel the wind in your hair and know, that no matter how hard it is, you’re HERE. We’re all here for you, and the knot will HOLD.

rachd said...

Wow, Anonymous, that was cruel and uncalled for! I get very disheartened when folks hide behind anonymity and say hurtful things. I can appreciate what you were going for, but there were much kinder ways you could have expressed them.

Laura, I like your saying. I too find myself desperately trying to tie knots some days. Just keep hanging in there!!

HUGS!

Laurie said...

I am tying a big knot on this end of the line for you out here. I am here to help catch you should you find yourself slipping. I think each person who writes here has a tied knot for you and if the road gets too much, we can all join our knots to form a safety net to catch your fall. You can count on us to love and support you.

Laurie in Ca.

Courtney said...

Laura,

I think that DJ had a wonderful saying and how you remembered it is amazing. Tie and hold tight, but remember you have many "friends" here and are willing to listen and help in any way possible.

Debbie in NC said...

Laura, I stumbled on your blog this morning about 6:30 on Hallie's blog. It is now 10:30 and I have read every single posting since you started. You may not realize how far you've come but you have! I am so very sorry for your loss but just wanted to tell you how much I can tell the difference in your posts.

You are starting to have some "up" days which is wonderful and I'm so proud of you! Please don't get frustrated with the down days. Let yourself have them. I keep telling myself "just wait 24 hours" and a lot of times it does change for the better.

You are a very strong woman and I have gained a great deal of strength from spending the past LOL 4 solid hours with you!

Pulling for your survival..and you will...
Debbie in NC

Erin said...

Laura. I've been reading here for a little while now and am always trying to come up with something to say in this comment section to just let you know I'm out here. I actually think about you and what has happened to your family a lot throughout my day. I don't mean that in a wierd way, but in a way that-- I hope-- keeps Leonards memory alive when I give an extra kiss to my husband for no reason, or bite my tongue when I'm about to say something trite. I know this doesn't help you at all. But for what it's worth.

I personally am not religious, but a few years back my family went through a significant loss. I bought C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed." It starts out with the line, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." To me at the time, that one line felt so crystal, so perfectly stated, it took me a few days to find the courage to pick up the book again.

Donna said...

Just picture, in your mind, ALL of US throwing you a rope! It's a Rainbow of colors and it's full of love and warmth...we Won't let go..Neither will you!!! Love to you Sweetie!!!

Jess in Nebraska said...

I love what Sharpie said...tie a tire on and swing. I so appreciate the honesty and candor you write each post with. I have a past co-worker who is also in a similar situation. I am going to direct her to your blog. I know it will mean the world to her.
Thank you for who you are and for sharing it with us.

Marshamlow said...

Sending love. Don't get caught up in the what ifs. Try to stop your mind from going there. Not helpful.

What about now, are you planning to buy a new house for you and the kids? What are your vacation plans for this summer? What colleges are Nicole thinking about? Road trips to check them all out.

What if you had bought a house? It wasn't your fault, it really wasn't your fault. He gave you peace and everyday you spent with him was better than the days before and now the days after. I am sure that the same is true for him, that you made his days better too. You didn't fail him and it wasn't your fault. You can go back through everyday you spent together and find fault with yourself and think what if I had done this differently, but then you are only bringing yourself pain. when your mind goes there find a way out.

desperate housewife said...

I second what Erin said- several times this weekend I wanted to snap at Jim for something insignificant but irritating, and I bit it back. I actually thought of you, and of Leonard, and I thought, "I don't want to remember saying this if there's ever a time I'm in the same boat." So there's a knot for you- you help me be a better partner, a better spouse. You give a perspective that is sometimes, especially in bloggerland where we're always complaining, sadly missing.

Jess said...

Laura, I think blogging about needing a knot is an indication that you have one tied and are hanging on to it already. Hang in there, sweetie, we are all rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, reading back on that today it does seem harsh what I wrote about your mom. But having read how you and she get along I thought it might. Nevermind, it was a stupid thing to post. I hope you are feeling better.

Betts4 said...

I hope that we can all be your 'knot'. Something to hang on to when you need it. You know you have friends.

I know when I am lonliest for Jim and in a hurting shape, coming here and to my blog and amongst my cyber friends really does help.

Hugs!

Jess T said...

I'd never heard that expression before. I like it. You can do it. They are right, you have come so far.

Love to you!
Jess

Laura said...

Thank you everyone. For some reason (I know the reason) the death of Heath Ledger has really gotten to me this evening. I will be back tomorrow... I just can't do this today.

Scott said...

Hi Laura. I really like that saying, I'm going to remember that one. Sorry that it applies to you so much. I really just wanted to let you know that I'm still checking in on you. Hang in there.

Nance said...

Thinking of you still.