Friday, October 3, 2008

The Heat is On

And I don't just mean the furnace. Although, that had to be turned on yesterday. It has been so rainy here that this day of sunny weather is a bandaid for me.

It looks as if the builder in TX will take a contingent offer. Now, I have to list (and sell) my house as quickly as possible. It is very hard for me (an optimist turned pessimist over this last year) to think that this will actually happen but that is what I am doing. I am hoping that all will actually work out for this family this year.

Last night at Sandcastles (a family grief support group), James and I made a garden stone. I had been given two garden stones but it was nice to work on something with James... I think it turned out very nice (James planned it and I mixed the cement). James liked it so much that he wants to make a stone for each of us. As I thought about it, I think this is a very good idea... Instead of stones that focus on the loss, stones that focus on our family. That is what I have been trying to stress to the children. It is not our family that we have lost. Although, on my very bad days I have trouble believing that myself.

I am off to call my aunt/agent and hope that I can get this rolling. When I am finally motivated, I will post a picture of that stone.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Peeling back scabs

This is difficult, this packing up of our house. I gave many of his clothes to his brother. That hurt. What to keep, what to box up...all of it to cry over. And then I found a composition notebook ( I do a lot of my writing longhand) that was used in the week following that day... Notes about the pastor, the service, people's impressions of my dearest one. And a letter I wrote to him a week afterward.


Today I went to bed at 4:30, instead of waking you up. There are no arms around me, no whispered,"I love you" and "midnight goose"... This morning there wasn't any coffee to pour, or lunches to make. No waiting for you to say "books, keys, lunch money" so I knew it was time to kiss you before you left.
Leonard you are/were my life...and if it weren't for our children, I would gladly lay down beside you. I cannot bear the thought of the years stretching out without you and our much talked about plans. I told you last Saturday that we would have to die on the same day because I could not imagine me---without you. Sunday, my worst nightmare came true. And I was right.

I look back at that writing (and cry with the fresh pain of it all relived) and realize it is still true. I'm not me anymore. I am not screaming and shouting and thinking deathly thoughts anymore. But I am not the girl he loved anymore. I had to reinvent myself in order to breathe again. Because I was right. That me would have died right there.

Gosh... this is a hard, hard job. I wish I had a team of 100 instead of just 1. I wish I was Jeannie and could just make it so in one second flat.

How did it get this cold?

On the monorail to Epcot. More about that experience later...
Vikings have landed...and they don't like flash photography...
A really great shot (from the Fort Wilderness boat) of the Contemporary Resort at sunset...
How happy can one Grandma be? Yes, she was at the "Happiest Place on Earth"!!!
A truly happy boy at Downtown Disney. A 32 oz. slushy will do that to a kid.

I will write more about our adventures later, I'm just trying to nail down that house...and get this one on the market. Hard to do, when it's me, myself and I... with absolutely no help. Yes, I'm openly complaining about my slothful children.