Thursday, October 9, 2008

Over it...

For now, at least. Monday was just a horrible, no good, very rotten kind of day. Those happen. Not as frequently, for I have gotten really good at pretending to be someone else. Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. Which is how I want it...need for it to be, at least in my real world. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...

Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.

My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.

Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.

Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.

Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.

On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.

This is the countertop

The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked

The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Emails...and school memories...

My 20th reunion is coming up this weekend, I guess. I am not going. Not only because of my life these days but also because Leonard and I never went to those things. We kept in touch with those we wanted to from high school and moved on.

Today, logging into my computer, I found condolence notes from high school classmates. As you guess, I was instantly transported back to those breaking days of August '07. So I did what any stupid fool would do. I tried to find the source of the information. As I've said before (and which I am sure many of you find doubtful), Leonard and I were private people and I don't want my private pain (albeit very public here, but this blog isn't very traceable) blasted before a school that was made up of navel gazers and mutual admirers. I found it, finally, on an alumni archive page...and there's not really much I can do about it. It just angers me because we graduated the same year, he is my husband and all that blah, blah... Let it go Laura.

While looking at that page (and averting my eyes from his name) I also found a couple of classmates that I hadn't known had died. We are not being well and long lived here...this class of '88, at least in my high school. That made me melancholy this morning...when I should be doing stuff around the house.