I Love you Forever, Mom...

My son went over to his cousin's house after school to spend some time with him and also with my brother in law. I think it helps them both. I went to Staples with my daughter to replace yet another digital camera that had fallen victim to my klutziness. I have busted three cameras by dropping them in the course of my career as an appraiser. You'd think I would learn.

James always does "better" when he spends time with his Uncle and cousin. I have a tough time being there because, well, because everything reminds me of Leonard and good times we had and then the crushing feeling that he's just not coming back. I was talking with my brother in law about this. About how it feels so nice to be together and talk about him, and yet it hurts when I leave. I feel so bad for him. He lost his brother, his buffer, his best friend.

My daughter keeps telling me to stop crying, feel better, "I miss my Mom"... She is 17 so I reasoned with her that it will take time, if ever, for me to feel "happy" again. I worry because I don't think she has even faced this event yet.

I have gone back to work. But I work from home so it wasn't really too difficult to attempt a return. I do find the smallest task is hard to do. It is hard to concentrate on my clients when I am in the field. It is hard to drive the truck that my husband was so delighted with. I used to beg him to switch vehicles with me. To drive the Yukon and enjoy it. He never really did. I wish he had.


The best part of today??? A little sticker that my son made for me at his cousin's house. On it are the words "I love you forever, Mom"...and a bunch of heart stickers. My little nephew also made me two stickers. I will put all three on my clipboard. He also gave a blank one so I could make one of my own. I love their little ways of trying to take care of people. Daddy/Uncle would be so proud.

Photographs

This is one of my favorite pictures of my husband and our son. It was taken at Eastertime and the timeless quality of it made me catch my breath the first time I saw it. My son carries it with him to school every day.

My husband was beautiful. I would find myself wondering when that "in love" feeling faded in a marriage...that "oh my gosh, my stomach just flipped" feeling whenever he came home from work. It is a physical,mental and spiritual ache.

I hate that I cannot help our children. I can only see them through. I hate that I still wake up at 4:30 every morning to get him up for work. It is always 4:30, which would make him laugh because sometimes I used to oversleep. I have yet to do that.

All of things that I did for my husband: getting him up, making his lunch, rubbing his back, fixing his plate at family functions, I did because wanted to...not because I had to. I got teased a lot but it was worth it. I. Love. Him. When you love someone it's what you want to do.

A month or so before my husband died (I hate typing that still) I came across the blog of a woman who had lost her daughter. I cannot imagine that pain. In her writings, this woman shared her very special daughter with all of us and taught me a lesson. To appreciate and be grateful. I showed the blog to my husband and told him how much I loved him, appreciated him and the children and how I could not imagine this happening to such undeserving, wonderful people. It was also a discussion we had back after the airshow and pilot who crashed. We spent a lot of time on regrets, not having them and just being grateful. I did not know then how soon that would be put to use. It is so very hard. I still wake up wondering why I am in the living room and he is not there.

I would give my soul to have him wink at me, or kiss me midsentence, just one last time.