Friday, February 29, 2008

Nothing Doing

Wanna know how I spent pretty much the entire day? The day in which I was going to clean (for Nik's birthday people), and bake, and do laundry and maybe look at the room that used to be mine? Instead I played Diner Dash for pretty much the whole freaking day. Well, I interspersed it with this and a little bit of this The copter game came for the widow board and the maze game...well one of you posted it, and be glad I can't remember which one of you it was because then I would have someone to blame for the sloth. In my defense---there really is no defense. It was a get through the day kind of day and the work part of it just wasn't going to happen. I did do an appraisal today. A beautiful older home that has gone totally to pot. It always makes me so very sad to see beautiful architecture not taken care of. It is a purchase though so maybe the new owner (but I'm thinking not after meeting this person) will spruce it up.

Yes, tomorrow is Nik's 18th birthday, and also the day I begin telling people that she is my sister, or that I had her at 12...make that 11. Yeah 11. Actually I was 19, which still makes me quite young. Or so I thought. Then why is it I feel so very old? And how is it I can blow as many as 7 hours basically serving little cartoon people little cartoon dinners and then cleaning up after them? What the---

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Sometimes You Are All the Knot...

A few entries back, I wrote about tying knots (hey look, I have figured out how to link to past posts now too, so no more "see previous post abouts" from me). I would have been kicked out of Boy Scouts. Many times I have trouble "tying".

What I want to say is that in so many ways, over the last few days especially, so many of you have tied them for me...or actually have been the knot. Your words become something to hang onto when I cannot find the right words to tell my self. The past few days have been hazy, dazey, and-to borrow from "Ellen"-"what the February" kind of days. Days that I spend a good deal of crying and, I will confess, wishing a little bit that my heart might just stop. Just a little bit. And then one of you would write something so perfect in the comments, or post an entry on your own blog, or come out of lurkdom to say hi or share your own painful stories with me. Sometimes it is old friends, from DU, stopping by (they have been so very good, almost too good, to me)Sometimes it was one of my fellow widows reaching out to let me know that they have felt this way too. You're letting me know that I'm "okay". Right when I need it. Some of you have been so very perceptive as to read between the lines I write here to send a note, and thereby open lines of communication and strengthening bonds of friendship. Friendships that have been the gift of this tragedy. People, perhaps, that I would not even have known if it had not been for this. Alone is what I have felt for a very long time. My family=somewhat dysfunctional in an almost humorous sort of way if it wasn't for the fact that one yearns for people to see them through this. Friends have a, rightful, way of moving on with their lives. I would move away from me too, most days, if I could. But you are all so steadfast and honest in your offers of friendship, your comments, opinions and input.

I have turned this into a mushy, gushy post for good reason.

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I had moments of almost peacefulness. I have a lot of you to thank for that. I can never thank you enough.

As Betsey put it, so very well, that this too will probably pass. But I savour it for now and try not to jiggle it too much.

A side note: I wish to send you all to this wonderful entry on Grief. As so often happens, Rachael nails it. How I wish she were my son's teacher.

Good night all.

Crazy Little Things about Food

Courtney tagged me for this the other day and I think it is a fine way to put something a little less wrenching here. Thank you Courtney.

The rules are, as follows,

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them)
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment at their blogs.

Here goes:

1. I absolutely hated asparagus until my husband suggested I put apple cider vinegar on them. Now they are one of my favorite vegetables.

2. The same thing with spinach. Only, this time, he suggested lemon juice and, OMG, Yum.

3. The thing I (used to) love to make most was Chicken and Dumplings from scratch. Rolled out dumplings laid on top. It was my husband's absolute favorite dish. I tried making it once, after, and I found I cannot.

4. We have eaten far too much take out pizza lately.

5. One time my husband made frozen fish sticks for himself and Nik and he messed it right the hell up. How does one do that? I'll tell you how. Mr "I don't have time for this kitchen stuff" figured that, if the box said 400 for 35 minutes, he could cook them at 500 for 15 and split the difference. I got home from work and was told the fish (yeah, the FROZEN fish) was "bad". I think that was the last time he turned on the stove for more than tea.

I know I am supposed to tag 5 but my mouth hurts and I believe I'll have a nap. It's a fun meme and if you wish to do it, then you are tagged!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Six Months

Oh baby, how can that be? How can we have been apart from each other this long. It hit me as I sat in the dentist's chair this morning to finally get that tooth removed. Remember the one that I broke on James' birthday in August? I remember. I remember how you got up all night to get more ice. How you made soup and then ran to the store to buy one of every soft, squishy thing that they had for me to eat. I remember the Vernors. You always thought that Vernors would make everything all better. I wish with all my might that I had taken just one sip in all our time together. One sip to bring a smile to your face. I hate myself for that.

I spent all last night awake--thinking of you while blocking your face out. I am afraid to think of your face. To remember those little boy looks and how ticklish your beard would feel when it was growing out and you would rub it on my neck. If it is possible, I miss your touch more with every day.

I keep trying not to connect every single thing I see, do or say to you but I find it has gotten harder not to. I can't even find a solid quarter sized spot on the wall anymore for my eyes to turn to so my mind can escape this pain. I wish, wish, WISH you could have known that I was being so very honest with you when I told you ( a million times 10) what would happen to me if we were no longer us. The girl you thought was independent isn't. She just knew how to argue. The job you thought could support us has become a wearying, troublesome burden. And all of it without you. I wanted to call you and cry about my teeth. You were always so good about putting up with that. I wanted to come home to your hugs. The hugs you reserved for when I was hurting because you weren't so very huggy most times.

Your niece and nephew miss you so much. They are having such a hard time. A coworker of yours called me near tears. You know, the one you coached and mentored and saved from himself? And there is nothing any of us can do to make this right or put it to bed.

For the very first time, my love, I didn't flinch in the chair when she gave me the shot. Nothing compares to wounds of my soul. I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always. I wish that somehow that could have transcended everything else that went so very wrong those three days.

Monday, February 25, 2008

On Me...Being Mean...

In the space of 24 hours I have:

Been truly nasty (interspersed with bouts of self pity) on a message board I told myself never to return to.

Had to walk outside in short sleeves in really cold temps and stay there for 10 minutes. I was calming myself down instead of taking "it" out on my kids.

Forgotten to feed the dog three times, grabbed the bag, and then thought of something else and left the bag. (no worries, she is fed and happily cuddling with my son)

Realized for the 8,923 time that this is really my life now and I have to suck it up. Only, I don't think it's really realizing because, if it were, I would have to keep realizing.

Washed the same load of laundry twice because I keep forgetting to move it to the dryer...and I wonder why my son's jeans rip out at the knee so quickly.

Gotten really angry over the whole, Brad Renfro was left out of the Oscar tribute, news.

I feel so badly for all of those who knew and loved him. That has to hurt so badly.

Worried about my dad eleventy billion times. His company (a major supplier for the big 3) is about to walk out on a UAW strike deadline of midnight. He just needs to hang in there a few more years and then he'll be okay.

Missed my husband with each passing minute. I lashed out at my SIL. That she couldn't possibly say and/or know how I will feel in later years. Right now it feels as if I will always wake up with this wrenching away in my gut. Right now I suffocate on it. I need to learn manners. I need to bite hard on my lip.


Yay, spellcheck works again.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

A few more pictures

I'm hoping to get my head back together. It's been a rough weekend.

The Alamo at Night

View from hotel room in San Antonio

New sheriffs in town

Acting goofy with his cousin