Thursday, December 13, 2007

Internet Shopping and Brand New Puppies...

On the one hand, I am glad for the internet and the ability to do most of my shopping in my pajamas at 4:30 AM. On the other, it is really hard to keep track of just how much I am buying and keeping things even with the kids...and now we're at crunch time for shipping and I've kind of lost the desire to finish it all. But that would not be fair to the kids.

Nik is still at home. I live in fear of her getting worse, never wanting to eat right again, getting sicker...

I started this last night...and then the computer went all wonky on me (why do they suddenly shut down for no reason when they are brand new?) and I lost my train of thought anyway.

I have hit a brick wall. There is so much I should be doing and I sit here, looking at it, with a headache. I really, really don't want Christmas to be here, and I am sorry for that.

About the puppy. I went to visit my cousin (in law, but I am claiming her for my own because she has been so good to me) and see her brand new little puppy. And he is adorable and fluffy. He is a shitzu (sp) and he looks like an automated stuffed animal. He is all grunts and squeals and cuddles and waving little baby paws...and the puppy smell! He is delicious. And then, because I can't walk away from this, I realized that he had been born after Leonard. That he would never know how much Leonard loved dogs, and know that through gentle rough housing and belly rubs and baby talk. And the missing him took over.

This afternoon I think I am driving out to Lansing with James (and I hope Nicole) to visit my cousin. He is up visiting his sister and I haven't seen him in more than 2 decades. I was 16 the last time I saw him and we went to Kings Island together with my brother and his family. He was always the "scare you in the dark" older cousin... The one I was afraid of. I admit, at 37, I am a little afraid of him yet.

On an unrelated side note... I have changed my posting name from MrsGrumpy to my real name: Laura. There is a bittersweet back story to the choosing of the unsername, MrsGrumpy, and I don't want to give the readers here or the authors of other blogs the wrong impression. Perhaps tonight, or maybe tomorrow...I will tell the story. It had nothing to do with being married to MrGrumpy and everything to do with Spoonerisms.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Truth...

I feel a need to write this. For my sake, my children's sake...and also for the sake of anonymous. Who could very well be a concerned family member, friend, or someone who thinks they know me...or surmises they know of the life I live.

The truth is...if it were not for my children I would easily, and very gladly, followed my husband. I told him a long time ago that where he was would be where I wanted to be...where I always would be. The truth still is. The truth is that I confess to having nights where I beg God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to deal with one more day of this...because I am selfish, I guess. But I can't help that. I have already written the truth that it is a struggle to force my medications down every day. The truth is that somedays I really don't want to. The truth is that many days I do feel as if my children would be better off with out me. Because that is what a lot of us will do in a situation we are powerless to control. And we can't help but think these things...

The truth also is...there is a tree in the living room because I took my son out and bought one. The truth is I have been nursemaid to my daughter for a week now because she is ill. The truth is my heart stopped last night at the doctor's when she passed out (she is okay everyone, she has something buggish going on and hasn't been eating well and that is what caused it). The truth is I cannot bear the thought of something happening to one of my children, but I try not to think about it too much. Why you ask? Because I worried about Leonard that way...and that worry became reality...and maybe I am poison. Again, one cannot help but think they are being punished by losing the things dearest to them.

Also the truth includes... I was always a stay at home mom and I will continue to be so. I'm not a run out for lunch with the girls type, or a weekend partier. My husband wasn't and I am not. I dreaded Girl's Nights before, and went to make my husband happy. I hate crowds. I like being jammified at home. That is the truth. My going to that event would have created strain and stress upon my children. It would not have been about taking a breath. It would have been about drowning in situations where I do not feel safe.

The truth is that my breath is this blog. Beyond that it is my written journal. The things I write about there are the things I can't write about here for fear of hurting someone I have already hurt once. I am human. That is the truth.

This blog is where I cry because I cannot spend my days crying when there are chores to be done, work appointments to keep and children to care for. When I first created this blog I fancied it a place to make friends and share the humor of my family life, and some of the (now seemingly small) fears and tears of the same life. A life that doesn't belong to me anymore, and sometimes feels like it never existed at all. I know that a lot of times this blog is probably hellish and depressing to read but it is all I have. My best friend and confident left 3 and a half months ago. So many of you have many have cared, with cards sent, wearing the bracelets you asked me for (you have no idea how much that means to me), with being there. You have done a lot for me with your words. You have done a lot for me with your blogs that I can visit and read happy things on and laugh with you...or cry with you...hurt with you. You have helped.

And, for anonymous, I appreciate your concern. I only wish I knew your name so we could talk about it.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Need Vs. Want

I need him. "No you don't, you just want him..." says my father. No, I need him. Really, I do. He was my fix it man. Everything is okay when he is around.

I have spent today thinking of a million odd little moments we spent together. The day he took me for a drive, after my first surgery to get me out of the house and stopping at the Burger King in Imlay City...staring across the table at those devastating dimples. I was luckier than even I knew back then. Our wedding day...when he looked up at me, midway through his vows, and thinking how wonderful it would be to spend the rest of our (it turns out his) life together. God, how I need him. I need the day we went out and looked at that crappily built, but huge, house on 5 acres...the snow down my back whenever we were outside in winter. Looking at him curled up on his side, asleep in Krandall, while I read a book on the couch. Tonight I said,"Honey, it's time to get up and go to bed..." just to see how it sounded in my empty living room

No, it is not is need. It always will be.