Friday, May 30, 2008

Crazy Dreams and Crying Boys... A Conversation with my husband.

First off, thank you Melissa, for pointing that out to me. I guess it is the dichotomy of his relationship with his family, and some of the completely our of the ordinary things they have done (ex. setting up times to pull up in the driveway and honk the horn for James to come out...without telling me. That was what was on my mind for that post). I have welcomed them into our lives...his life, I guess. But it appears it shall only be on their terms. In my defense, a lot of this "moving on" has been suggested since Sept 1. Also, my husband's name is not to be brought up by his children. It saddens me I guess. But I cannot control the world.

James had a rather rough time of it last night. I don't know if it is jealousy or changes or just little boys being little boys...but most times he doesn't like his sister bringing her boyfriend over. It is a love hate relationship between James and his sister, for sure...just like siblings the world over, but this has a tendency to send him into a crying jag. Perhaps there being four, but one of the four isn't the one he expects.

"I want my Dad"... rocking in the swing. I took him there to calm him down last night. We sat and rocked and talked in the backyard. When his "best" friend gets mad at him he tells him,"I'm so glad I have a dad..." Things that make want to run and wring necks...but I can't. I can only tell him that it is a difficult thing for his friends to understand. That the permanancy is still something that he, and they, will grapple with. And then he confessed his still held guilt. That is what always gets to me. That this small (well not so anymore) would feel guilty for something beyond his control. I understand it, because I am there too. We glided for awhile and talked about changes, and that maybe moving would be for the best. We talked about him trying to stay by himself at night... I think he is almost there.

Bedtime came fast. I always try to physically exhaust myself to keep from thinking, which then leads to dreams. I think, because changes and moves had been on my mind all day, my husband popped up...across the breakfast bar, where he always sat after work, while I cooked. His face so sad... It was odd, because I could feel myself crying, even while sleeping.

We talked. About James...oh how sorry Leonard was.
About Nicole...still more sorrow.

What was I thinking of doing? His question.

I don't know.

Do what's best. You've always taken such good care of us all.

I don't know what to do.

And then this...

If given a chance at it again...where and with whom do you think you would end up?

If given a chance I didn't want, I wouldn't take it. I wish so much that you had realized that you were it for me. That there isn't another you. There is only me remaining of us. Yes, I will move, but never forward, to a person I wouldn't want as much as I want you...

Such sorrow on his face...and tears that were rarely seen from him in real life. And knowing, and realizing...

And then I woke up to start another day.

James did not yell at me this morning, as he so often does... that is a start.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Monday was much better...

We got a last minute invitation to a friend's daughter's birthday. It wasn't last minute on's just who they are. I understand because, hey...I haven't ordered Nik's pictures yet, not to mention her announcements (which will now have to say "has graduated from..."). It was extremely warm yesterday (80's to high 80's all day). Perfect weather for a little girl's birthday and their baby boy is one who smiles all the time. In fact, he is the baby that cheered me up at the service, with his sunny smile and tongue sticking out. A real sweetie, that one. It was good for James to get out. I feel, so much, like we are losing contact with my inlaws, which isn't good for him...but helps me in small ways. They have a rather odd way of grieving and feel as if we all need to pick up and move on. That is just not something the kids and I can do. I also think it gives us all somewhat of a background into what my dearest had to deal with as a child and young man.

For those of you following James' budding baseball career, he actually stole home plate tonight and they blasted the Red Sox (little league sox of course) 15-10.

I am needing to be here, writing, more than I am at this moment. I am needing to thank so many of you for keeping up with us. I am grateful...and also tired so I guess it is bed time.

See ya tomorrow.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Sunday Morning Mourning

Somedays are better than others. The kids are off at a parade and I am thinking here, in the quiet mess that is this place, about him. We should be going to the parade to watch our kids ride the float for a local politician that Nik is interning for but I found myself crampy, and crying and feeling it better for them to go off and have a good time. So many lines in this song hit home with me...but one in particular.

"As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice"

It is our last phone call...only I didn't know it was.