Saturday, June 14, 2008

Tightrope walking

Arrggghhh...But, I'm getting better at it.
This morning we went over to my mother's house to say goodbye to my cousin, his wife and kids. They were here from Wisconsin to pick up Grandma and take her back for a two week visit. I am glad she is doing this. She is so healthy and spends so much time behaving as if she is frail. At 84, you'd be stunned at how well she moves. She was looking forward to it and I hope she doesn't cause too much trouble for them while she's there. It is, at times, like dealing with a 6 year old.

We took them out to lunch at Big Boys. Their oldest boy K. (11 and very close with James whenever they get a, a not so often, chance to see each other) always wants to go there when they come over because Wisconsin doesn't have Big Boys anymore. Last year, when we went for dinner, Leonard bought them all a Big Boy bank. This year, they had bobble heads for sale so I bought each of the kids one... It was sad, and yet funny, because their youngest son (also a K) brought us a twist tie and said,"I took it off so it wouldn't kill him... But keep it handy, just in case he attacks you." I swear, where do kids come up with the imaginative things that, so often, they blurt out?

Getting to the tightrope part. I spent most of yesterday and most of this early day with my mom and family. That should be nice, right? As I was leaving she said,"I'd invite you in, but I know you have plans." (insert huge sigh here) I was good about it, in part because I don't/can't care anymore. This afternoon was Nik's good friend's (like a daughter to me and I think I've mentioned her here before) graduation party. One, I told them I would bring wood. Two, I had asked my dad to come along to help me with the wood. The only thing I can think is that my mom must have driven by (a rather long drive just to see if my dad's car was over at my house, but something for her to do when she is itching to have a reason to believe I don't love her/love my dad more/am a poor excuse for a daughter) because she called on my cell phone some time this early evening. She did not leave a message. I noticed the call when I returned home. When I called her back I got the usual you-are-on-my-shit-list-now responses because I had been out with my dad. Short clippy, I hate you so much, type of answers. And, sadly, no I love you. So be it. I am a bad person for spending some time this Father's Day weekend with my Father. Sigh...

Suffice to say, I cannot walk the tightrope of trying to keep the terminally unhappy happy anymore. It's really too much and almost feels like a waste of a day and half spent with her. Moving far, far away seems so much more appealing.

Friday, June 13, 2008

And so, Summer begins

Sorry to those of you who chat with me at the other place, for this is a reprint from last night's pictures.
Isn't it amazing that, on the first night of summer, my little guy was fast asleep by 10:30. Isn't it also amazing that he can get up at 7AM by himself, in the summer, when he whines, and yells and cries all year long at that same hour. He was up with the birds today.
We went to visit a cousin of mine. He's in town to pick up my grandmother and take her back home to Wisconsin for a couple of weeks. I am glad she is finally realizing that she is still mobile and able to go and do things. They come up every year and we used to do family things with them. The zoo, Henry Ford etc... The asked if there was anything I would like to do and I declined. It was really hard enough to just see them. It's another situation where Leonard's absence is made sharper by would used to be.
Tomorrow is round two of the grad parties, and I also have to pick up Nik's pictures. Once I have them I'll scan them in and share them.
Have a wonderful weekend.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

One more day...

...until James is out of school. I cannot wait because the days will not be so empty with him around. It makes me wonder just how I will deal when he grows up and moves on in his life.

We (My dad and I) moved the extra chair I bought to his apartment today. It looks nice there and has also freed up one spot in the living room. It was beginning to look like a parking lot of chairs, and tables and ottomans and couches... Krandall is still up against a wall, awaiting his fate. I have made the decision to give him away. I can't hold on to everything and looking at him is usually enough to send me off into hours of tears. I can still picture my beloved curled up on his side, sleeping, waiting for me to come in and wake him up for bed. I miss him. But Krandall is, after all, just a chair.

James and I had just each other tonight. Nik and her boyfriend were off to the Tigers game. They are also going tomorrow night. I wish she would do more around the house... I wish I didn't have to plead. I have gotten to where I just about give up.

I am mad at myself for being quick to anger today. I was frustrated with my dad. He continues to tell me what I should do, how I should handle things and it gets under my skin. Yes, he is a huge help and I am so glad that he is here but I want him to be just Poppy to the kids. I can't rely on everyone to fix my life. It is unfixable at this point. At least there is nothing he could say to fix it. I know he badly wants to. Telling me I am wrong at every bend in the road isn't going to do it.

Am I as scattered here as I feel I am?

The kitten is a whirling dervish tonight--eyes huge, ears flattened, racing around. I've been calling him speed racer. A boy kitty with a mission.

Krandall is going to the same person who took the truck. The thing is, I wish he would stop bringing up the truck. He is also a bit of a story teller, a bit full of himself, and the exact opposite of Leonard. Of course, Leonard was perfect. This man is my mother's "new daughter's" husband. I can see why she likes him so much. I don't want them dwelling on something that doesn't concern them. Aye...contentious me.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A Dark and Stormy Night

Now, if I could just find the strength to drag those huge water logged boxes on the side of the house upfront for the garbage guys I would be happy.

My other pets (Merlin and Jessie) are not so very please with wicked weather. James and Kittimus thoroughly enjoyed it.

Why is it that waking a child up for those last few days of school is 10 times worse than waking a child up in February when it's 12 degrees out? Perhaps it is nature's way of ensuring that we will welcome them home for Summer Vacation with open arms.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Weekend Review

I have not spent as much time outside of my house in the last 9 months as I did this weekend. Saturday consisted of two graduation parties (much to James's chagrin) and a welcome home party. Sunday was an obligatory visit to my mother so that she could "celebrate" my birthday--it also included one horrendous storm of the type that you don't want to be in the structure (modular on stilts) that we were in. Needless to say, we survived.

Party number one was for my next door neighbor's son. He is the one, I mentioned a while back (sorry I have a headache and can't find the right post to link to, who gave a wonderful eulogy... He is the one who often looked to my husband for guidance. I felt really bad because there appeared to be a low turnout and they had spent a bit of money on the hall and food. I was sorry that we couldn't stay longer. But it is also weird to not really know anyone. I am not a crowd person and find myself uncomfortable in situations such as that. The day was filled with those which is why I think that I have the headache I do. Stress.

Party number two was for Nik's boyfriend; another party at which a felt slightly uncomfortable. His family was nice though and James and I spent a good deal of it sitting out on the patio, attempting to catch any stray breeze that might happen to pass by on a rather stifling afternoon.

Party number three was a welcome home party for Nik's best friend. Her mother is also my best friend so this was a welcome respite from not knowing anyone. I still feel odd when I am out and about but I put most of that on myself. We finally made it home (after waiting out a thunderstorm...well two thunderstorms if you count having to wake up James to get him home).

Sunday was about going to my mom's for a cookout. The cookout ended up being hamburgers on a George Forman (sp) grill. She also bought a small cake for my birthday. Then a horrible, scary storm kicked up. I found out something else about myself. I can add to the growing list of things I am no longer afraid of in the aftermath (including but not limited to: flying, driving at high altitudes)--I no longer fear storms as I once had. The fact that I have lost these fears is, in itself, scary to me.

I hope everyone made it safely through the weekend.