Long Days...

Hmmmm... Should I post about how my truck wouldn't start this morning so James didn't go to school and I put in a new batter and that didn't work so I had to get a tow to the auto rapis--er---shop and they are charging me $950 for a fuel pump replacement? No. That would require telling you all how I almost had a nervous breakdown, right here, in my own home. How I looked to the heavens and shouted,"I'm sorry, so sorry for whatever it is I did!"

Should I tell you how the doctor said it is looking like Nicole won't be home for Christmas? How she was upset that I couldn't spend the day with her like we had planned and got there at 5 PM? No, that would require telling you all how I had to swallow tears as I processed the idea of a Christmas morning with 2 and not 4...not even the 3 I thought I could handle. And how I thought about calling up family and saying,"Hey can we just not do this right now?" But that would be wrong too.

Instead, I am going to tell you about Karl, or it could be Carl, at the Hertz car rental near my house. You see, I am letting someone else use my daughter's car and therefore don't have an extra car while the truck is in the shop. I called around for about an hour for a rental but it being Christmas and all, no one had even the compactest of compacts available. On my last flustered attempt, I reached Karl/Carl. I spewed it all out-how my daughter was sick, how my car was sick, how I was sick with trying to find a car and "could you please, please help me?" And he did. In a really big way. It turns out his car was in the shop and he was using a rental. He gave me his saying that he could wait for a late return and to give him a half hour and he would have it cleaned up and ready to go. That was when I told him that I loved him, this kid on the phone I had never met and who didn't really sound like my type (lame attempt at humor). And he got me a car. A little Cobalt that James loves playing with the GPS on. Did I mention what a good boy James has been? For a boy used to routine, he is amazingly cooperative.

Also, instead, I am going to tell you what a lovely woman Woli who, along with some other bloggers that I will also thank when I open the box, sent me a wonderful surprise for Christmas. James (and I admit the little girl that is still me) are really excited and can't wait to share it with Nicole. I am so amazed that someone would do something so completely generous for us. Woli, and other bloggers that I can't wait to know about, I thank you so very much. I came home tonight and that box brightened up a really...really...cruddy day. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

James has popped all the bubbles that surrounded his Grandma's Christmas gift and is safely tucked in bed. Did you know that Bed Bath and Beyond packages their shipments in these delightfully over sized bubble wrap sheets that make a delightfully loud (think firecrackers in the house) popping noise when rolled over? He had a blast for about a half hour. Now that's entertainment.

This has been a very sad, very long week for us and I thank you all for checking in and giving me the encouragement that helps me so much and also gives me the reinforcement that, indeed, people do care. We care so very much about you as well and I cannot wait to get back to vicariously living through all of you.

Love,
Laura

Sitting in Chairs

I have sat in a lot of chairs this past week, keeping vigil, willing life back into Nicole's body. A body that at times looks exactly like my baby did when she was three. I have sat in the plastic covered chairs that convert to beds but never feel quite right, the springy backed plastic conference chairs, the ledge of the window in her room and once on a closed porta potty. All the while, trying to make her healthy again.

She had a lot of visitors tonight and I think they made her tired. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright and dull all at the same time. There isn't the happy girl there. The one that draws people to her. The one that was always better at conversation than I. After everyone left, I sat for awhile, hoping my presence would give her some rest...I am not always sure of that because she has always been Poppy's girl. I could not help the tears that came. Tears for her and the thought that she might never have children of her own...and she loves them so much. Her sad little voice had assured me,"Don't worry. There's lots of little kids that need mom's. I can always adopt." Tears over how this had happened so quickly, over what could have been differently. Fresh tears for a fresh situation, mingling with ever ready, already feeling ancient tears for the man I haven't seen in ever so long and still ache to see. He would have made this right. He would have known exactly what to do. He could have calmed all of our fears.

I drove home tonight with James because he is missing me and scared for his sister and sad and all those things that a little boy should never be. I drove home in our too big for us now car thinking about how, just 4 and a half months ago there were four of us. Four of us more content and happy than I ever was grateful for. Tonight there were two of us. And I wish I could stop thinking for awhile.

Your thoughts, your vibes and your prayers have meant so much. The cards and Christmas cards make me smile and I really appreciate them. I put up a picture of Magglio that a friend from DU found in her room and it made her smile. I've printed up well wishes for her to read. You are all really wonderful. I can never hope to repay this kindness.

And on to her status. Her temperature rose slightly to 100 tonight. The nurse turned down the thermostat in her room which could have contributed to that. It was at a very muggy 77. Her hemoglobin is below 8. If it stays that way tomorrow they will give her a transfusion. On the positive side, they clamped her NG tube late last night, and she made it through the day without nausea which means they can remove it tomorrow. Her oxygen saturation remains high. There are bright spots everywhere here. The fever is the thing that worries me most because the chance of recurrent infection is pretty high... her surgeon is excellent though. She worries a lot about things "hurting", like the removal of the NG, the removal of the staples, the drains coming out. My reply is always,"I will be right here baby..." I wish I could trade places with her.

Thank you

Thank you for your comments, your concern, your caring. Sometimes I sit and think about that while watching Nicole. She is hanging in there. No fever, which is good, but difficulty getting the other systems going, which is frightful. She is still pretty out of it, except for begging me not to leave her at night. It hurts to leave her. I will post more tomorrow as I hope to bring my laptop with me. Thanks again everyone.

More on Nicole...

This is a copy and paste from another place but I am tired and scared and I need to get back to the hospital but Nicole is not well.

She is very, very sick. She has a very bad infection and was taken into surgery tonight, where they removed a good deal of infected tissue, her left tube and ovary. She is now in telemetric care on mega doses of antibiotics and they are draining her abdomen. They don't know why/how this happened. They don't know if they got it all. She had been dealing with cysts for over 9 months and we have been proactive about it and this just happened. I cannot bear to think of losing her. Please keep my baby in your thoughts. All I know is that I really just don't want to go through this anymore. Thank you for all of the good wishes you have sent us.

Nicole...

My baby girl is in the hospital. She has been not feeling well for a couple weeks and therefore not eating or drinking. She has been under a doctor's care but today he decided to admit her for furthur testing since the outpatient treatment wasn't working and she is rapidly losing weight. We were there from 4:30 to 1 AM and now they are getting her set up in a room. So far nothing. I tried so hard to get her to eat and drink.

How I became MrsGrumpy...or Learn how to talk right, Laura...

After so many years of using it, having people (you nice people, you) tell me that I'm not grumpy at all, having people think my husband was a miserable SOB (he definitely wasn't), I will post the story here. I have posted it here and there on the internet, as a comment on some one's blog, or in response to a message board,"How did you come up with your screen name query?". I usually answered far too late and so on it went. People thinking I was an older woman...so much so that many people (in my internet circle) were stunned at Leonard's and my ages. 37. 37 is what he always gets to be... But I'm getting off track. It goes like this.

We have a couple of dear friends who happen to be married. I met her through our daughter's friendship, and Leonard later became best friends with her husband. This is a the perfect grouping. All involved genuinely like and cared for each other. The bonus being our children getting along. Over the last 8 years we have spent a good majority of our free time together. Euchre parties (okay, not parties... 4 of us, cards, beer and laughter...God, I don't want that to be over), coffe drinking, poker tournaments for the guys, Costco shopping for the girls, birthday parties etc... One night we all went out to dinner. We were sitting all lined up and smooshed together in one of those booths that has the divider that can be removed. The kids were slap happy crazed and I had a headache. One of their daughters asked me a "What if..." type question that I can't remember anymore. I replied,"Well...that would make Mrs Grumpy very Harper..." and a username was born. They have also been known to call me MrsHarpy, but that would have created internet flamewars by its mere existance I fear.

Writing this, and remembering those days-Days that are no longer my present but only exist as a (seemingly) far distant past-is killer. All I want is that back. All I want is my children's Daddy back, Luke's (Luke is the friend) moron twin back...my whole life back.

Yesterday we went to a get together at one of Leonard's cousin's houses. It was an impromptu Christmas, bon voyage (another cousin is moving), let the kids play parties. My position is now an odd one. I just don't belong. I didn't want to go, but it is so good for James to see his family. It is so bad to stand on the porch I used to stand on with Leonard, watch the men he used to hang out with continue to hang out...only without him. Answer questions about how I'm feeling. I usually reply with,"I'm still here..." but it gets tired and I am tired and I am also freaking them out a bit I am sure. But one thing is true, while I long to be with him, I cannot and will not do that to my children. This is my punishment...for what, I do not know.