Friday, May 9, 2008

Trips and Tears and Testng my limits

Prom went off without a hitch for Nicole... Well, there was one hitch. The one where I had to re-hitch the brooch part of her dress back on her dress after it dropped to the floor on their way out the door. She had a good time and they looked nice.

I am dull and drab and wishing that I had blogged here more often, instead of staring off into space. I think part of my problem is that, when the real hurting started, I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I haven't really "chatted" with anyone, haven't done much of anything. Unless you count the part where I went off as a chaperon on James's trip to Mackinac Island. That was a tough one because it not only was a visit to a place where Leonard and I had made many memories... we also stopped at Hartwick Pines, another of Leonard's favorite places. I spent a lot of time trying not to cry by throwing myself into the activities with the kids. Although it was bitter cold, I sat "up top" on the ferry to Mackinac with the boys in my group and we came really close to "Mighty Mac" and the boys loved getting ice cold spray in their faces. James? Well James was smart. James was down with another chaperone because he didn't want to "get cold". We were gone for two (pics of which I will have to scan in when I get them developed because we brought disposables)nights. I had to walk the halls each night between 2 and 3 AM...which isn't conducive to a good night's sleep and also leaves the grieving much more susceptible to crying bouts. I went outside at 3 AM, thinking I could have a good cry, and go to bed.. Only, when I came in, James's teacher was up and I could not hide the fact I had cried myself blotchy. He didn't say a word, though. I appreciated that.

I have more to write, but I also have two work reports to finish and if I don't do those well... Then I'll really be remiss. I've missed "being" here and hope I haven't worried anyone too terribly. I was just going through (still am) a spell of hating this and missing him and being disbelieving about the whole horrible mess.