Saturday, November 24, 2007

What day is it again?

I spent all day thinking it was Sunday, but then knowing it wasn't because I am making the turkey on Sunday and the kids don't go back to school for another day. No, that doesn't make sense but welcome to my world.

My best friend came over last night, a much needed event. I was able to is and talk and cry and talk (if you call shouting at points talking) and miss him. Was it helpful in the way of moving forward? No. I am not there and don't know if I ever will's about the kids. End of story. Which brings me to what I am doing tonight, after not doing any of the cleaning type things I was going to do today and spending most of the day (until 5PM) in my jammies. Tonight I am going bowling with Nicole, Michele (her best friend), Michele's mom and James. What I want to do is go to bed. But I have to attempt a semblance of life if only for the kids. I will sit and pay because RA keeps from being able to bowl anymore-a pastime Leonard and I once enjoyed as teenagers. I really won't mind.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Television and Telephones

My son spent most of the day playing SIMS. I am (used to be) so boring that I had recreated my little family of four on the computer. I can't bear to look at it these days. James has fun building the houses, but then, by the time they are built, he is bored with it all.

Nicole is out shopping with a friend. Window shopping because one needs $ to shop and she hasn't gotten a job yet. She's applied to four places but I think her availability counts her out.

I just got off the phone with my dad. Discontent, heartache and knowing there is nothing I can do about it. I am so happy for my dad...that his life is full, but I don't wish to partake in it. It makes the missing of Leonard so much sharper. I am sick of having people watch me cry. It takes to much energy to start the car.

My son really wants to buy a tree, like always, this year. I tried to talk to him about buying a prelit one. No avail. I don't know how I will shop, when I hate leaving the house and even using the computer (doing this here) takes so much out of me. I spent most of the day staring at the pages of Rhett Butler's People, which is supposed to be very good...but I couldn't tell you.

The comments from everyone have been so wonderful, and I wish I could spill everything that is on my heart here...but I can't, because of people who read this blog, and my own need to protect. I think some of the discontent comes from there.

I am so tired of day after day after day.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Day's End...

And that is what I am thankful for.

I am horrible for that, but points for honesty, I suppose. It was excruciating to drive over there without him (I know I said I wasn't going to but I ended up caving. See guilt spoken about later on), know that he was not going to meet us there (as he often did on holidays because one or the other of us would stay longer than the other wanted to), and that I would be stuck with my mom and my grandma for the duration of the afternoon. I admit to crying on the drive over, trying my best to cover, and having my grandmother ask,"What's wrong?" as I entered the house. If it didn't hurt so much, this obtuseness, I would laugh. "I am sad," is all I said. "Well, I know that.." was her response. And on it went. I didn't go over until my mother called to tell me James was on his way home from the game. I didn't want to spend a moment longer than I had to.

James decided he wanted to come home with us tonight. His sister wasn't' happy about it, and a fight ensued. I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to do this in a month's time for Christmas. I want to be anywhere but here. Which isn't true. I just want to be with him. Where I always thought I would be...where I told him I wanted to be whenever he asked me if I was happy. I was happy with Leonard, the man. Whether we lived in a mobile home, a house, a house on land, or God forbid a rented room or cardboard box. That's all. That's it.

I looked at today as a dry run for Christmas. We failed miserably. The only good thing I did was stand up to my mother's guilt trips ("you could have stayed here tonight, you know...) and have a good conversation with the kids about living life without feeling guilty. I saw that she had an impact on James that way when he opted to come home with me. His father was led by guilt. Guilt over his dad, his mom...and, sadly, me. I don't want his son to be that way. Nicole doesn't have that problem and I'm glad of it. She runs from me as fast as she can. We had a horrid fight tonight and I'm tired of it. I give up almost.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Home Alone

James is spending the night at Nana's (my mother) and going to the Packers/Lions game tomorrow. Nicole went to a concert...and so here I am. My very first night before Thanksgiving spent all by myself. I look at this picture and think of how much has changed in the year since this happy, happy day. My baby boy's heart broken, my heart taken away by this devastatingly handsome and much loved man.

Today I am wishing with all my might for a medically induced coma that would last until January...or forever, even, when I think about it.

I was thinking again about the phrase,"It doesn't get gets different..." and I realized I don't want different. I want what always was. And I don't know what I did to have it all go so very wrong.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I hope you are surrounded by family,love, and peace. For those travels.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

"I'm a single's difficult...", says Reese Whitherspoon

Really? It is? With millions and a nanny?

I am being my usual angry and judgemental self (of late) today. James and I went to the grocery store because I think I have my plans cemented. He will have Thanksgiving with my mom and grandma, and I will make a turkey for us on Sunday. While standing in line I noticed an issue of OK! magazine. I confess to having a subscription to People magazine for 2 years until Leonard talked me out of it. I miss it... I picked up the magazine and started paging through it, not recognizing half the names and wondering where the heck I have been for the last decade or so of television and motion pictures. I came to a story on Reese Witherspoon and that was the headline. I read on thinking what could possibly be tough when one makes millions of dollars, can take as much time off as she wishes, has a nanny (verified by the article) etc...etc...etc... I thought perhaps she would talk of the emotional strain, or how sad it is to not be a two parent family, missing the support. No, it was about juggling work and parenting. Which I am sure is tough, but for some reason really rankled me tonight.

For me, and I am only new at this, being a single parent is tough because of missing my husband, needing my husband, relying on my husband, worrying that I am messing up my children's minds and hurting for them. And I am lucky. We had life insurance, my husband had a good job, I am able to continue to afford the COBRA and still stay home and work from here.

For others it is far worse. No husband/wife, no insurance, sometimes working two jobs, no nannies.... and it makes me angry to read about how tough Reese has it. There wasn't one spot in the article where she said she was grateful for all that she had. Strike that. There was this: "I have a nanny who is very helpful." That's nice.

I can tell I am in a cranky mood tonight. I seem to have two settings this week. Miserable and Angry. Nothing else. Today the slightest things are setting me off. I am not being a very good mom. Today the feelings of wanting to run to that nowhere place are very strong.

Today I am thankful for little boys who help bring in the groceries after loading the car.

Monday, November 19, 2007

"He held you back a little bit..."

Someone...someone very close to me said those words to me (luckily over the phone) today. And I was crushed. That someone would think that of my husband...would say that of my husband... someone I care very much about said that today about Leonard. It burned, it stabbed, and it is still-and always will be-poking its way through my heart.

I was happy with my life. It was everything I wanted. I looked forward to our future. I loved our dreams, and our plans. My husband encouraged my business...and was so excited looking forward to building it up together. He backed my every move. I do find myself feeling so sad that I procrastinated and blew off his often asked,"Did you do anything to move the business forward today?" I file that sadness next to never getting the stupid washing machine fixed again. I was always too tired.

I sobbed all of this at the person, who I don't want to name, who said this to me. I asked him/her how he/she could know so much about my own love? This person persisted...driving the hurt, the loneliness... all of it, a lot deeper. And I had already thought I could bear no more.

I have made the decision that I do not think I am going to go to my Mom's for Thanksgiving on Thursday. James will still go to the game, and the kids will have dinner there (if they wish) but I won't be able to stand it. I hate myself for not getting along with her. They are bitter. They sniff, and they judge and they expect me to be over it. They ask,"What's wrong?" each time they call and I even remotely sound like I have been crying...or, even stupider, "Do you have a cold?" I hope I am not so very out of touch with the feelings of others as the elder women in my family appear to be.

What I wish for, knowing that my biggest wish won't come true, is that I could go somewhere, anywhere for the next 6 weeks, where there are no expectations of joy. I've been running, and running and running, in my head, but there is nowhere to go. He was my safe place, my island, my refuge, my protector, and more than I can apparently impress on my family, my everything.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Terminal Disconnect

I always mean to go to bed early. And I never do. I never have, to be honest.

I worked "a teeny bit" today. I had promised my father's girlfriend that I would do an appraisal on her mother's house for their estate. I inspected the house itself today and will try and finish the report and the operating income statement (they are thinking of renting it out) sometime this week.

I am really dreading Thursday. It is the beginning of what is in store for us this holiday season. Leonard was really getting into the spirit of the holidays ever since the children came on the scene. Every year he bought something special just from him for the children. 9 years of Daddy gifts for James, and 14 for Nik. He has just left a big, gaping hole in everything. It bothers me because it doesn't seem to get better...or even become the different that people talk about.

I was at the pharmacy today, filling a prescription, and the woman in front of me was telling the pharmacy clerk that she was celebrating her 56th anniversary...and it hit me that I don't get to do that. I still have trouble believing that this is all real. And I get jealous. Really jealous. That was going to be us. I beg the universe at night to not make me/us have to do this.

James is going to the Packers/Lions game on Thursday with my mom. She wants to have a Thanksgiving Dinner there afterward, but James asked me if maybe I could make it at our house. I am trying to do the things the kids want-trying. I will talk to her (God, give me strength) tomorrow.

I think I have watched 20-odd episodes of "America's Next Top Model" this week. Someone (insert James' name here) went through and deleted a bunch of stuff on tivo that I was saving to watch this weekend. ER, no Little People Big World, no Daily Show...grrr...