The Outlaw

This is a compliance quicky. I will write more about it tomorrow. I spent the majority of the evening at my brother in law's house because James wanted to play with his cousin. My sister in law recently had surgery (as in Tuesday) and I wasn't sure she wanted to be bothered by it all...but she's doing really well. It is the same, as far as James is concerned... but not the same for me. Trying to not think of one's husband is a hard thing to do when one is looking at his brother. It is good and not good all rolled up into one. It is very good to see them, and be with them. It hurts so much to see them and be with them. I love/hate hearing them talk about him. I spend most drives (and it is a rather long by my standards) home sobbing. But I can't. Not when I am babysitting his cousin's son. Good night everyone.

Is it just me...

or was today extraordinarily long? It seems like it had about 4 extra hours attached some time between 10 AM and 3PM.

Today I did finally get the one load of laundry dry. I finished up some work for my job that I had been ignoring and swept the kitchen floor. I then watched "America's Next Top Model-Cycle 3" from the episode where Magdalena goes home to the final 3... I'm really finding some great things to do with my time. It bothers me because, on the one hand, I have no energy. On the other hand I used to take pride in our home...and want it to be just perfect (or as perfect as a procrastinating, lazy wife can) with a candle lit on the table and dinner going (or at least thought of) before he came home.

All of the leaves have pretty much fallen. They make a very nice crunchy sound, which blends well with Jessie's incessant barking at them. She is in "in/out/in/out/in/no-I-want-out/no-in" mode. She always does that this time of year. She loves to be outside, but then decides it is much too cold. After all, Shelties have very thin coats. (sarcasm off) Also, she must bring at least three leaves at a minimum in on her coat with her. I am constantly finding leaves. There was one in the shower this morning with me.

James is watching Titanic. It reminds me of going to see it in the theater with Leonard. I had just found out I was about 10 weeks pregnant (with James) when we went. I made it as far as the Mom telling the children the bedtime story (while knowing there was no hope for her to save them) and I had to pee. All that water and an early pregnancy bladder just don't mix.

Today has been a day. Just that. A day. No more...no less. I wish I could feel positive that this is an existence.

Blue trucks and headaches

I start to think that I will never be rid of this headache. It has moved in and taken over. Bleh...

Thank you so much for asking-the cosmetology presentation went well. There were 3 40 minute sessions. The kids were, for the most part polite. I basically talked about the hours you need to graduate from cosmetology school, the state level testing, and continuing education for specialization (think makeup artistry, long hair styling, hair weaving). I then asked if there were any questions. Of course, they wanted to know if I ever screwed up really badly. Yes I did, but it was in cosmetology school and it was up to my instructor to ask the woman if her hair had been chemically processed at any time before the relaxer we were about to put in. (yes, her hair fell out. Yes the school gave her free scalp treatments. Whew for them that they have all clients sign a release form). I felt sufficiently awful. Then it turned to coloring/cutting/makeup tips. Yaay for career day. Then it turned to a discussion on Jay Manuel.

Life this week is horribly hard. Today was conferences for both my son and my daughter. My son's went well. He is doing good and he is behaving. My daughter's conferences had a horrible set up. Teachers positioned willy nilly with placards throughout the gym. Parents who wanted to spend 30 minutes talking with one teacher about the wonder that is their child, while I waited-head pounding threats the whole time-and waited, and waited. I talked to 4 of her teachers and then gave up. It is a long drive and I was fearful of where my mood was headed.

Each day is a very real reminder of how much I want him. How much I need him...how hard it is to miss someone every day. He, his face, his hands the last time I saw them, are always there. It is so odd how one can just exist. How long can one do that for?
Today, at about 3:30 a blue truck (the exact same color as his) pulled into the drive. My heart skipped a beat...and then I remembered, for the 3,459,324th time...that it will not/will never be him.

An Entry

This here is one of those entries that isn't going to say much but, hopefully, complies with NanoBloPoMo. I'm just worn out, worn down and wondering how the day got to be so long. I'll be for reals tomorrow.

Say something...Anything...

I am not in a super writing-ish mood, plus I am a little irritable so this will probably be short.

Tomorrow my daughter signed me up to speak at "Career Day". This would be fine, because I told her she could. Only, I assumed (and we won't go any further about assumptions) I would be speaking about Real Estate Appraising seeing as it is WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING!!! But, no, she signed me up for Cosmetology. Yes, I am a licensed hairstylist/makeup artist. No, I am not currently practicing (except for family/close family like friends) and haven't been for over 12 years... Can you see where this is going?

I spent an hour tonight brushing up on what the requirements for licensing are now (which is a good thing because I would have completely misguided these students) and things like that.

I renew my license every two years because Leonard and I always figured it was a good thing to do...just in case. RA keeps me from ever thinking I would ever walk back into a salon... plus, believe it or not, I am shy. That is not good for a hairstylist OR a woman about to walk into a classroom and give a speech/demo/blank stare to a group of 15-17 year olds. What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking I would be talking about my real job.

Enough about that...Here are some things I could/should be doing right now:

Laundry-so far I've run the same load through 3 cycles because I keep forgetting about it.
Dishes-There is a colander in the sink with little bits of noodle stuck in it and I am too exhausted to use a fork/toothpick to poke them out.
Work-I should be logging hours seeing as the cut off for certification is in a month and a half...but I'm not even sure I can do what it is I do anymore. Every time I go out on the road I break down and lose it. Leonard was so exciting about our business and watching it grow. It was our baby. He's not here to raise it with me...and I don't want to.

There are so many things I don't want to do anymore. Thinking on it, he was in my every word, action, thought. Why did I let that happen? Because I loved him. And I start wondering if perhaps I loved him too much...because this is unbelievable and unrelenting... the need I had for him was bigger than even I realized.

How much longer until bedtime?

Today I went out to rake the yard. The results of which were not so good. This picture (of the back yard is after 4 bags were already filled). Note the tinyish back yard, which always looks more cramped and icky in photographs. See the big circle of dead grass? That's where Leonard set up the ginormous "quickset" (heheheh...quick...hehehe) pool for James that I had asked his Uncle not to get for him. That is where I am thinking of putting in a garden next year with the children, using the stone that is in my living room (see previous post) Grass appears to have extreme difficulty growing in our backyard...perhaps plants will do better. (hehehe...again... plants and me and growth...I don't think so).

This next picture is of the front yard...well, of the stone in the front yard that came with the baby Japanese Maple from our old next door neighbors (also known as Leonard's cousin and his wife). They remembered how upset I was that the new owner had moved the one living thing I had cultivated from a little tiny seedling to a grown adult...a Japanese Maple. They moved it, and didn't dig a big enough hole for the root ball and sank it too far into the ground and it was dead within a month. Beth, remembering this, sent this maple and the stone to the Funeral Home. I love it and I hate it all in one. The stone is in the front, because I wanted the maple in the front... and I feel like it is marking our house with a big sign,"Here dwells intense sadness... where once there was immense love..." But, I wanted to plant it because it was so nice of them to think of us. Only it looks so final...so gravestone-ish. And that is a rough thing to deal with when one is trying to run from reality.
Our daughter is going on a senior retreat tonight, and won't be back until Wednesday. It is a very scary thing to let your children go and do things when tragedy has already struck once. I cannot smother them. I must not smother them.

They deserve normal...as normal as it can be. They do not deserve to come home and find me sobbing in the basement, as my daughter did today. They do not deserve half hearted dinners, "were going to be late" rushing around mornings, weekends filled with Mom in her pajamas...again.

Tonight I am going to take James to get a winter coat. Somehow I ended up with a $59.00 credit on my Old Navy credit card and Old Navy currently has a 40% off sale on winter coats. So, it will almost be like it's free...if I hadn't already paid for it. On the dinner side of things, I have some honey butter baked salmon in the oven and we will have macaroni and cheese as well. My daughter has just informed me that she "doesn't feel like fish..." She better start feeling like it because it is what it is.

From This Day Forward...

I remember planning our wedding. I think it took us 1 piece of paper, the kitchen table, a couple of beers for Leonard and 15 minutes to do...from start to finish. Luckily, neither one of us was up for the bridesmaids, the church, the coordinating invitations and thank you cards. We pretty much were making a 4 year long situation "legal". This was a man I had known since before he was a man...this was the person I knew I was meant to be with from the age of 22.

Our plans went like this: Justice of the Peace, inviting/bringing along just our parents and then lunch at a local chophouse that has/had been a favorite of Leonard's from the time he was a youngster. Then, maybe, a weekend away and back to life as we already knew it. We picked the date July 19th. The reason? Because there were only two Fridays in July that the courthouse was open for weddings and we went with the one closest to Leonard's birthday. Why? Because we really didn't care. I know, you are thinking that this is going to be the most romantic story you've ever read...right?

Leonard already had a suit. I needed a white dress. I wanted to be kind of classic Jackie O-ish, which is why I went with a linen, tea length one piece (but it looked like two, but that would have been too hard to do). *Advice for casual brides to be-Linen? Not so much a good idea if one does not want to look all wrinkly by day's end. I loved my dress. I loved the pearls, and the simplicity of it. I went to JoAnn Fabrics and bought the pillbox type hat, an applique for the top, a ribbon of pearls to border the edge (very hard to sew on with fake nails on the night before your wedding), and some netting, to give it the bride veil-y affect. I already had white shoes. Lucky me. Total cost=$39.00.

While at JoAnn's I also bought a yellow rose and all the thingy's you need to make a boutonniere. I made Leonard's boutonniere and he bought wrist corsage's for Nicole and I.

Everything, plan-wise, was going along terrifically. Until his mom asked if we could have the dinner somewhere else because she couldn't stand the chophouse. Fine. We just wanted to get married. And, could she make some invitations? Because it wouldn't be a wedding without invitations... Fine. We just wanted to get married. And, could she order a cake from this wonderfully snobby little bakery that she knew...because it really wouldn't be a wedding without a cake (I put the snobby in, of course...because they were TOTALLY snobby). Sigh...Fine. Because we just wanted to get married. And then...she went over the line. Already things were not going as we had planned. My brothers really wanted to be there. my grandparents really wanted to be there...We needed Leonard's brother and his wife there as witnesses. So the guest list grew...by just a bit. I drew the line at my cousins who wanted to come, because we were losing focus, I don't like crowds and neither one of us really wanted to be "on display". It was already getting an uncomfortable feeling to it all.


The invitations my mother in law made were really pretty. The funny thing is she made about 50. Hoping we would change our minds about guests, I am sure. I still have all of them. The week before our wedding my mother in law, thinking she was being sneaky, called and asked my husband if he could come over and "help me out with something..." He immediately knew she was full of crap and was probably the hostess of a surprise wedding shower...which we specifically threatene...er... asked all of my family and his not to do. Knowing this, Leonard put on his crappiest work shirt and I, from the looks of the picture, apparently didn't brush my hair. We drove up and sure enough...there were all of his family's cars. Our impulse was to keep on driving, but his aunt spotted us and we were stuck. While it was very nice to do, we could feel it being slowly taken out of our hands. We really, really hated the spotlight that was being shone upon us. That and the fact that one of his cousins had horribly bad taste and presented us with some really erm... scary pajamas/lingerie/porn movie costumes as a gift. Luckily, the afternoon went by quickly. I did get a very nice set of Corelle plates which we/I still use to this day but we were glad to have it over, and I don't think Leonard said two words, or one for that matter, to his mother the entire time. The other wonderful thing about my husband. Look in the picture at how he is feeding me a piece of cake without smooshing it into my face. I really dislike the smooshing of the cake in the face and he didn't do that. Now, the cracking of the Easter Egg on the head is another story. He tried that once...and only once.


I think that is enough of the story for tonight. One, it seems boring. Two, I am having a difficult time typing it as a history/was/he is not here anymore story. It is hurting. I have have spent a good deal of today feeling lost and I thought maybe this would help me focus. But it is having another effect on me and I think, perhaps, I should go to bed and finish this tomorrow. Football Sundays (because we really loved watching together and giving each other hell about our respective teams -He/Lions and Me/Packers-) are really awful. I can barely get up, deal with the children etc. when there are games on. I am angry that the Lions can do this good without him here to be happy about it. I find myself in a sad/irritable mood and that does not bode well for writing. What I really want to do is throw this computer out the window, scream at the children and walk as far out into the lake as I can. But I won't. I will just go to bed. Like always.

The second part of the story, the actual wedding, will be so very tough to remember and write about. It was supposed to be forever.