Wednesday, July 30, 2008

About that party...

About time, eh. It was a day that will live in infamy...almost.

Because I am like this, I put housecleaning, shopping, cake ordering off until it could be put off no longer. Heck, I did order the tables and chairs and tents so at least there was that. Also, the food. The tons and tons of (hey, what are you doing for dinner tonight?) food. Luckily, I had a friend to help and we banged out most of the shopping in one night. Double luckily, I knew I was going to be a procrastinating loser about it so I had it catered. All we had to do (All...*giggle*) was set up the tables. Nik wanted orange and blue (wonder why...go Maggli-ooo). The tablecloths were orange. When I ordered her cake I put Orange and White down as her school colors. I am sure they were wondering what--? with that.

The day dawned bright and sunny, only it didn't. It dawned hot and windy and rain cloud threateny, which made me glad we had the tent which was tied to the corner of every house in a 5 block radius because our yard is small like that. I looked around saying to myself,"120 people..." Oy. But... we had stuff to do. We put the tablecloths on the tables, taped down the pics of Nik through the years and swiftly covered the tables with clear plastic. Only it didn't work out that way. We yelled and shook our fist at the wind that blew every freaking picture of every table just as we got the last one down. Finally... they were on. But we were getting close to people time. I quickly filled m&m bowls (it is so cool how, for "only" $5 you can buy a tiny bag of blue and/or orange m and m's...but it was Nik's party so...) and put them on the tables. Salt and peppers, votive candles, then I turned and told Nik there would be no wedding reception (I kid...). I walked in the house to finish putting together some salads, feeling quite pleased that we were as "on schedule" as we get at this house...and then a gust of wind blew up...and "crash,!..." came from the backyard. Every M and M bowl (about $50 worth of candy...) shattered, pictures whirling, broken candle holders. Little guy storming in the house with an "I am so done." I looked out the front window and yay, the first guests. I mean, I know I said 3PM but I didn't really think they would show up then...but everyone did, just about, and it wasn't a round robin with some going and some coming. It was everyone coming, and staying (I knew I should have bought the Summer Shandy and Mojitos). It started horribly but the day was really nice. I wanted his family, especially, to see that the children were doing okay, that I was standing and getting dressed and capable, still, of throwing parties. I wanted people to come to a house where, the last time there, pain was palpable and replace (at least a bit of it) with happiness. And that is what happened. And all of Leonard's aunts got into a water fight (childhood resentments anyone?) and the kids bounced on the trampoline and ran like kids are supposed to, and everyone raved about the food, and nobody cried. Okay, I did, but only in the bathroom...for what should have been. Nightime came and a bonfire was lit and the twinkle lights turned on.

Of course there are many side stories, including the one where my mother trash talked my father to everyone within earshot, that would make you giggle. Maybe I'll tell them on an "I don't know what to write today" day, but I just wanted to get this out there. That yes, Laura managed to have a party. She also realized that this house is not hers anymore...and the kids are okay with selling it.

And, for those of you who worry, another heartbreak and yet also triumph-I gave my dad Leonard's cellphone number today. His (my dad's) contract is up, and he was able to transfer his number to Leonard's SIM... it may sound silly and small, but it was big for me, who wants to change nothing. Leonard's number is gone, his contacts are gone, his phone...gone. Of course, his number is still where it will always be in my cellphone: AAALeonardICE. That is something I will never change, no matter how crazy some think I am.

As for the rest of it, what happened in the back yard, stays in the back yard, people.

Something Plagues me...

I still mean to fill you in on the party, but you (well most of you) know me by now and how I am still meaning to finish my wedding story, our honeymoon story and a million other things so bear with me here.

Tonight, make that this morning, I am thinking again about internet connections. Not the wires, but the humanity behind them. I bring this up because of an interesting situation on another site today. As a mom, and a human, I was sickened to read of the baby killed by the puppy in OK. I am horrified that this happened and also so very sad for this family.

Apparently the 17 year old mother has been hospitalized. As would I be. I cannot imagine the pain. Especially when one realizes this could have easily been prevented in so many ways. But it's too late. One can only hurt or (as I learned today) hate this family. Why is it we can sit behind a computer and spout off things such as,"Probably high on meth." ? It appears the mother and grandmother were sleeping while the father and grandfather had left the house. Massive miscommunication there. But, I really don't think it was willfull negligience. Immense stupidity, of the kind I was guilty of as a 19 year old, ending in a tragedy that will never be forgotten. Punishment enough, again, in my opinion. Why is it, when one expresses sympathy and asks others their intent they are accused of "taking something too personally"? When did we get to decide how we think others should think? Or did we? Is it just easy because we aren't sitting across the table from each other? Sometimes I think, at least I hope, it is. It also illustrates why it is so easy for anonymous commenters here on my blog, and on the blogs of others, to freely offer hurtful help. It opens my eyes. In ways, it makes certain things that are said easier to handle. I don't know this young couple, nor does anonymous know me. Usernames on message boards don't know whether a grandma in the background smoking a cigarette is responding properly or not. They don't know her. They only think they do. Or think they know the proper way to behave in that situation. Odd thoughts come to one in traumatic situations sometimes. I remember lying there, at the police station, wondering if I had turned the coffee pot off. In hindsight, in my opinion, it was my mind protecting itself from going using the truly mundane. I talked about this with my brother in law (my husband's brother) and he confessed to the very same thing. Again, a a mental buffer against a tremendous blow.

So, in short, I guess this is me taking my blog back from the hands of those "who know better than me". And in the words of a woman from my Sandcastles group,"Don't 'should' on me..." I know it may not make sense to you, but it makes mountains of sense to me. If anonymous, and/or username on a message board, feels free to tell me how to react, how badly I am doing, what my problem is, well then I guess I can feel free to not listen. Or, on those truly filter free days, defend myself. My choice, my life.

I'll see you in the afternoon, to tell you about that party. People tell me it was fun, and nice even.

Monday, July 28, 2008

What I meant to do

I meant to put a great header up there and tell you all about Nik's graduation party. What I did instead was go back through time and read all my entries here. Right now, my being went back there too. And I am wrong and it was wrong and I am just missing him and feeling horrible for doing that tonight (or is it this morning already), and I hate crying like this and feeling so worthless and lonely, so I'll come back later.