Saturday, December 29, 2007

Losing It

Sometimes I swear that I am. Losing It.

"Bite me..." I dislike that sentence (?) very much. Is it even a sentence? I dislike it even more when it is used by my 17 year old daughter during an argument with her brother over a stupid PSP that I am beginning to wish that Santa never brought. Yes, she is recovering, and I am grateful. No that does not give one a free pass to behave as a 3 year old.

I was always the screamer, the yeller, the "wait till your father gets home"-er. Not often, but only when my two I-think-I-am-an-only-child-ren took me to the brink. Now, when they take me to the brink I am afraid I will drive right off. I sometimes want to drive right off. We, he and I, were a unit. Without him I am the figurehead---unrespected.

They are children...just children. But one is on the brink of adulthood, and dealing with so much more than I could ever dare to post here...that is hers to talk about. I can only tell how that affects me. And it wouldn't make much sense without the other pieces of the puzzle. One we poured our everything into. Lectures about regrets. Admonishments about character. Was it worth it?

Losing It.

I should have taken that drive. No, not that one. I truly would never drive off a brink. The one where I have my dad hang out here for the night and drive down to Ohio to visit some friends and forget how much this is awful for awhile.

Downer. That is me. It's why my keys are in my purse and my jammies are on.
Leonard, if you were just hiding, I would really want you to come back to me and hold me right now. My skin misses you.

It is now 2:25 AM, I'm not tired...

And Sundry has a meme type thing up that looks like it will tax my feeble brain. I have never done a meme or answered a question type thing, with the exception of my goofy Myspace page that I did at the urging of my daughter so here goes:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
I buried my best friend, my love, my life.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't usually make resolutions, because I am horrible with keeping up with the responsibilities I have and I would end up hating myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
she was not close to me at the time, but my father's girlfriend's daughter had a baby boy in January

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The person who matters most to me did...only I still don't really believe it

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada, over Memorial Day Weekend with my husband and kids. His aunt has a place up there

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Nothing, really. The one thing I want I cannot have and I guess 2008 will be spent in coming to terms with that.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 26th is the day life as I knew it ended and December 18th is the day I almost lost my daughter.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through the last 4 months. I did not think I would survive and many times thought about not surviving.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being able to save my husband

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
For once, no

11. What was the best thing you bought? The Yukon XL. That sounds totally consumerish but it was a dream of my husband's and I am glad we got one.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
So many, many people. The friends who have listened to me without trying to "fix" the friends I have made on the internet, with their messages of caring and the packages and letters they have sent.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My mother in law, who somehow blames me... Whose sometimes two-face behavior hurts more than I try to let on.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills

5. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
It is odd that I can't think of one single thing...

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? How to Save a Life

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? Much much sadder 
b) thinner or fatter? 
Much,much thinner c) richer or poorer? Much,much richer in terms of finances and poorer in all the things that matter

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Loving my husband and my life

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
 Petty disagreements with my husband

20. How did you spend Christmas?
I picked up my daughter Christmas Eve from the hospital (yay) and spent Christmas morning with my mom and grandma and Christmas night with my dad and his girl friend.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I will shamelessly (*blush*) say America's Next Top Model... I can't help it, but I'm totally done with it after they picked Saleisha...

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a very strong word.

24. What was the best book you read? Rhett Butler's People, or it could have been Steven Colbert's I am America (and you can too). Very very funny.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Killers

26. What did you want and get? There is nothing...really

27. What did you want and not get?
A long and beautiful future with the one person who really knew and loved me.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I am stunned to say Transformers

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Aargh... I turned 37 and I spent it with my husband and kids.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I could have woken up on Christmas morning in my husband's arms

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? If it's clean, put it on.

32. What kept you sane? My father, his girlfriend, my children, this blog and the friends I have made here and other spots, Debbie, Suzanne a ton of people have helped me.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Johnny Depp

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The right of a person to pick whomever they choose to spend their life with, and for those unions to be recognized.

35. Who did you miss?
Leonard...always Leonard

36. Who was the best new person you met?
That's a really, really tough one because, this year, there are so many. But I'm going to go with Rachael.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Never take your life for granted... no matter how mundane or unfulfilling it may seem.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life

Friday, December 28, 2007

Two posts in one amazing honor

Thank you Maya's Granny, for this award. I am speechless, and also wordless. I started this blog as a way to document the follies of my life as a stay at/work from home mom, wife and habitual procrastinator. In my mind, after August, I felt like it became a pity party of 1, at times. To know that this blog affects others is a gift.

I am hoping you don't mind, Maya's Granny, that I am quoting from your quote:

"As part of this honor, I’m to name three things that I believe most important to powerful writing and then pass on the award to five blogs I believe deserve recognition."

I have been awful in passing on the awarding honor, but I am going to do so this time.

The three things I find to be most important to powerful writing are:

Level of Engagement--I find myself revisiting the blogs of people who almost become like neighbors in this huge blogosphere. Those who are willing to share every aspect of their lives-good and bad. I wake up wondering what is going on today in the lives of the bloggers I have bookmarked. It is a real talent to make those who read one's blog feel as if they are on the same level.

Simplicity--Sometimes I find myself (or had found in the past) that I was trying too hard to be interesting or humorous. Some of my favorite blogs are written so simply and honestly that that, in itself, is what makes them so very interesting to read.

Perspective--One of the bloggers that I am going to give this award to gave me a bigger gift than I think she will ever realize. I began reading her blog a month or so before I lost my husband. Reading of her loss, the hurt and the yearning gave me perspective on what I had. Sharing her blog with my husband made us both recognize how very lucky we were to have each other and we truly appreciated every day after...with each other, and with our children. I can never repay that gift of perspective. they are:

Rachael, of Life With Hannah and Lily, is the woman I write of above. Many evenings I found myself amazed at her strength, her honesty and also her hope for the future. Her entries on her family, her beloved daughter Lily, and the loss of "Fancy Hannah" are what made me truly appreciate all that was right and wonderful in my life. Thank you Rachael, you are amazing.

Shari, of Literally Blindsided, is a student, wife and mother living with a rare genetic disorder called Usher Syndrome Type II...only she doesn't complain. She educates. She lives her life and shares her triumphs and also the downside of dealing with this disorder. I have learned so much from her.

Betts, of A Night in the Forest, is another young (too young) widow that I have just met. Her blog is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man and wonderful marriage. She comforts me with words that I can relate to, feelings I have had, and fears that I deal with. She is an inspiration to me.

Ronni, of Rants by Ronni. I have only recently begun reading her blog. She lost her husband to suicide shortly before I lost Leonard. Reading back over her blog-the days and weeks immediately following-I am often left reeling with her ability to process it all. She is truly incredible in both her strength, and her willingness to share.

Angie, of DisFUNctionalcity911. I absolutely love reading her accounts of life on the job, of her life with her daughter and boyfriend, and her ability to juggle it all. Some of the calls she shares with the reader have me in tears-of both laughter and empathy.

Again, thank you Maya's Granny... you made my day.

Lounge wear

Lounge wear is the perfect gift. Especially for the truly slothful (like me)... Today, I got up in my jammies-only they don't look like jammies- and ran to the store. I'm still in them at 3:30 and I feel *almost* dressed.

The children are cuddled up, watching "Harry Potter" and I am "cleaning". Or not. I had all the plans in the world to get something done and yet I'm watching another day fade outside the window. I'm tired, yet restless... The house feels as if it is waiting for something. It also looks like Santa Claus threw up, with all the packaging (thankfully the wrapping paper was disposed of immediately), plastic bubble coverings, batteries etc... But the kids are calm, and that is what I need right now. Calm.

Some asked about the beads in the bracelet. The flowers are the actual bead. I don't know if they use heat or something else, but they are rolled until they are a solid bead...not reminiscent of the flower at all (i.e. no lines, just smooth bead). They smell just like the roses I had ordered for that day. The tiger lily beads have black specks in them. It is a chaplet of the rosary. If I prayed the rosary I could use it...but I am still in a very horrible spot with regard to faith, etc. I cannot make sense of both a kind and merciful God and what has happened to us. I am still selfishly hating the fates and/or God for this. Seriously, I don't know where I am. Why I can't feel him anywhere and a ton of other things.

Yesterday I bought my mom a laptop. I get crazy that way. I have been attempting to buy the love of a woman who didn't really want me and threw me into a crazy competition long ago. But, I bought her one. It started simply enough. I gave her a $100 gift card (along with other little "bits and pieces") for Christmas. She decided to apply it toward a laptop (which I think was a hint for me to give her my old one, but I had already given it). We went to the store. They didn't have the Toshiba I had mentioned was on sale and she found an HP that she liked. I then, recklessly said, don't put it on your charge and pay interest... I'll pay for it and you can pay me. So that's what we did. Which would have been fine if I hadn't uttered,"Don't worry about it," in a fit of madness on the way home from the response to her payment plan options. I well and truly will never learn. But, more importantly, it's only money. And it is blood money at that.

The most fun I have had this holiday? Other than Nik coming home? and that wonderful package? and the other package Nik got from my DU/LLF friends? and the tons of good wishes? The most fun is "Pass the Pigs", a game James received for Christmas. I loved this game as a child and we spent an hour or so playing last night. It is just so incongruous to be tossing pigs around like dice. The case cracks me up, as do the pigs. I suggest you give it a whirl. This is the part where I would tell you that James beat me 8 games straight, but I'm competitive...and embarrassed over my "pig headednes" in not quitting while I'm ahead in the rolling of the piglets.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Four Months

That sometimes feel like four seconds, or four lifetimes. It is four months since he last held me. Four months since I looked at the hair I needed to cut curling against the nape of his neck as he stood at the sink. Four forevers.

And, for some reason, my eyes hit the clock at that exact moment, four months ago, that my life with him ended. And that crushing blow of disbelief hit me again. I still need him just as much as I needed him then.

On a very, very happy note, Nicole is home. They let her come home to me on Christmas Eve. Her brother and I had gone up to see her, on the way to take him to my brother in law's for their Christmas celebration and they surprised us with the news. Unfortunately, her incision re-opened as we were getting her ready so they had to staple her back up...She is doing really well. Today is the first day she sounded like herself in ever so long. (and her mama was able to sleep for once) Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. I believe that they helped.

Yesterday was quiet. Nicole was not really up to opening gifts, but she gamely went along...hugged by Krandall (see previous posts about chair). She is doing really , really well.


We opened the package from my dear and wonderful blogging friends, who have welcomed us into their lives and shown us so much caring. It contained so many wonderful things... and James was so excited to go through them all. There were slippers for all of us (gosh are they comfy), three embroidered fleece blankets (Nicole has not taken hers from her shoulders since I put it there, James and I cuddle on the couch in ours), popcorn, popcorn flavoring and even plastic popcorn boxes(!), candies, a netflix subscription, a coffee cup and starbucks gift card, and wonderful cards from all of them. Thank you, all of you so much. That was a wonderful thing to do for us. James loved the bag it came in. We can't wait until Nicole is feeling up to a movie night! I am still stunned by it all. The stamped cards were gorgeous, and Ella looks so adorable on the card you sent, Jess. Side note: Jess T, I got the card with Sydney on Santa's lap and I love the look on her face. I hope each and every one of you had a wonderful made ours so very special. To be thought of like that...I just can't put into words. James is really wanting to send a thank you to each of you (as is his mama). If you didn't give your address, and feel comfortable doing so, please email me your address so that we can thank you.

I know a couple of people asked for bracelets a while back. Now that Nicole is on the mend, I will be going back through my email to get those out. I am sorry it took so long.

Yesterday, Nicole's best friend came by to see Nicole, exchange gifts and say goodbye because she is going to Florida for a while. She was like another daughter to Leonard and I, spending most school afternoons with us from the time she was 10, till 14. She gave an eloquent speech at the service and is a wonderful girl that I am glad is always there for Nicole, even with their ups and downs. After the service, she asked if she could have some of the flowers and she took quite a few, which I thought was odd...but then he meant a lot to her-she had told me she was going to have Leonard walk her down the aisle when she got married (that makes me so incredibly sad to think about.). Yesterday she gave Nicole and I bracelets made out of the flowers from his service. I was stunned. They are beautiful. What a wonderful child she is.
That is the picture you see above, on my the sleeve of the newly given jammies from my daughter. She had my dad do her shopping for her, sweet thing. And, I did not know that I had a freckle there, on my hand. Huh.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I really hope to begin my blog visits again...really soon. I need them.


Sunday, December 23, 2007


In pouring the hurt, and the ick, and the trauma out of my soul and onto my computer, I never thought I would "meet" (by virtue of blog visits) the wonderful people that are Jess, Jess T., Lissie, Rachael and Woli (I alphabetized you). I began my internet experiences as a cynic to forming friendships across miles, and cables and telephone wires. I was wrong. And today I am astounded, and amazed-filled up with gratitude. J,J.T.,L,R, and Woli, you turned a really horrendous day of anger, rage, uncertainty and tremendous fear into a day to be happy because of the kindness of your acts. James dances around the box and cannot wait to open it. It is the thing he is most intrigued by.

I read your blogs and get caught up in your lives for a little while and that brings peace to me. And yet, you went beyond that. I cannot, nor shall I ever be able to thank you enough. For once, tears over the thoughtfulness you all possess pour down my face instead of tears of sadness. Thank you for doing that for me.

For everyone who visits her and continues to encourage us I am so grateful. I draw strength from the comments here. I love visiting your blogs and reading about you. The cynic has turned into the believer. Many days, this blog...and reading others...are all I've got that makes sense. I appreciate you all so very, very much.

A note on Nicole, (stop me if I am repeating myself) she is NG tube free, they have removed 2 of the 4 drains and placed her on full liquids (she is less than thrilled). I combed all of the rat's nests out of her hair. The 14 years as a licensed cosmetologist and a bottle of hospital provided baby lotion did the trick. She sat in a chair for 3 hours today and is able to walk two doors down the hallway. I am encouraged. There is a part of me that dreads Christmas morning but hearing my son say,"This is going to be a GREAT Christmas!" as he arranged presents around the tree, was uplifting. I have to learn to appreciate and be grateful for that which I have instead of dwelling on that which has been taken from me.