Saturday, July 19, 2008

My sweet daughter

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show.
you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they sayI've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained
in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

Nik made a CD of songs to cheer me up this week. It has been hard with it being a week bracketed by his birthday and our anniversary. A week that I confess I'm not really "here" for. I am lost in thoughts and what if's-and then she gave me a CD she had burned. It has ColdPlay and the Macarena, Henry the Eighth (god what an ear worm) and a whole bunch of songs... and then I came on this, which has been one of my favorites ever since I first heard Roger Whitaker's version when I was a small child on a Sunday "clean the house" afternoon. I look at the words and realize how very appropriate they are and I wonder if Fate somehow gave me this song right now.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

It's Okay. Really it is... (for me at least)

I apologize. I apologize that so many of you were unfairly characterized by a commenter on that last entry. It's not fair. And I hesitate to do anything about it. I know I have said here before that I look at the blog part as mine and the comments part as yours...but that was uncalled for. It was uncalled for for you to be spoken about in such a manner. So I am going to address that which I, at first, thought I would ignore.

Yes, I am throwing myself a massive, and at times extremely self indulgent, pity party here. Because all that was right with my life is far less than that now. Annonymous (and I really wish you would have written your name because we could have talked about it. People have come forward before), what is written here is just the head of (for lack of a better comparison) a rather horrible chapter in life. It is (and you will have to trust me) a brushing over of events that are better suited for an afternoon soap opera than real life. And those events concern our children. And when my children cry (as one of them has been doing all week), I cry. He was my whole life. No, I cannot say there was a "life" for me before him. He has/had been a daily fixture in my life from January of my 12th year on earth to last August 26th. It is what is is...for me. And I don't need you to agree with that, just understand it. I have taken a rather cynical view on love and marriage to veer off for a second. Why wrap oneself so completely around another when this is what happens in the end? Why get married, only to have to say goodbye to that person at some point in time? Why? Stupid thoughts, yes. But I let myself indulge.

Secondly, a point was made as to his choice to do this to us. No, sadly my friend I cannot and will not see it that way. We had a saying that I knew him better than he knew himself and he knew me better than I knew myself. It is said that a suicide dies only once and those who love them die a thousand deaths pondering it. There is knowledge for me of why this happened. I would share that but it affects others that I care about immensely and it is not my story to tell. His actions were to protect. His actions were to care for his family...not realizing that we needed him more here than gone. That an event that seemed so huge and overwhelming was already taken care of...over. It was, my friend, an accident. A snap decision that, as I tell his son, if he could he would do over.

As to comments made about those who come here to gawk at a train wreck. Yes, this blog has become a train wreck. Which does make me sad because a lot of people admit they first come here because the title shows so much humorous potential...which I hope it did for some back then. But it's my trainwreck. Yes, I know there are gawkers. I also know there are those who choose to stay-to offer encouragement and even, sometimes, a kick in the pants or another way of looking at things. Some have told me that they have learned from this blog. Learned to appreciate even the simplest things about married life. Learned to think about what is important. I was lucky in that I also got to learn that from a dear friend. She knows who she is but I won't mention her name because I don't want to subject her blog to this. There are those who have sent emails, cards, and gifts meant to encourage. I can never hope to let them know how they have helped us. I could never express how a Christmas package sent by some of the most wonderful women I have ever met and yet never laid eyes on brought cheer to the face of a little boy who was missing not only his daddy, but also his sister's presence when she was sick. How excited he is to open a package from Iceland saying," I can't believe this box was 'actually' in Iceland." All of the things, a prayer candle, a well written card, an invitation into the lives and families of others. It helps the hurt and loneliness but it will never make it all go away.

I will always, a part of me, wish I was with him. At times, it will be a greater wish than anything else. But I can't go with him. I want to, and here, I won't lie about that. I love our children too much to do least I hope so. And I do the things that I can to keep this life as livable as I can. And that includes writing on this blog. You can say to me whatever you wish, Anonymous, all I ask is that you leave innocent bystanders (my Husband, the readers, and also my children) out of it.

I appreciate it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Lesson Learned... and a tough week.

Let's see...well... The root canal turned into a nasty extraction. And I sit here wishing he were here to baby me. He was so good at babying me, and so many found that so hard to believe. I miss him more it seems.

His birthday was Monday and I found myself reading the blog entry of last year and hating myself a little bit. I had put off buying his gift. Yes, it didn't matter to him, but it matters to me now. I can't go back and change that. It is...always...going to be about regrets.

Our anniversary would have been Saturday. I can't believe-can't make myself believe-that there will be no more of those happy years to mark off. Only one, one anniversary that even the thought of brings me to tears.

The other day, the receptionist at my dentist's office (we all went to high school together so I know them well) asked "What can we do to get you to stop this?" What can we do? I don't know. I just need him. God I need him-

-to buffer every tough moment with the kids
-hold me when I fall asleep
-listen to me and talk to me (God I don't want to forget the sound of his voice)
-make love to me
-be me...he was me...and I am lost still.

Nik's graduation party is next weekend and I have done the following to prepare:

-Absolutely nothing

And 100+ people are expected when I only expected to get a 50% return on the invites. 20 RSVP'd after the date of 7/10. There it is...and I don't want it.

I am going to do some therapy tonight and visit some blogs.