Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Attempts

This is the stone that my brothers, and their families, gave me. It was part of a beautiful arrangement at the service. They bought it because I had noticed it at the florist when I had gone to order the family flowers for Leonard's service. I was so much in shock, so wanting to just be done with it... to not force myself to think about it. We did the funeral home and florist in one morning and I was having a horrible time. Someone mentioned about getting extra papers with his obituary and I said,"Leonard can do that." So much of it was stuff that Leonard would usually take on, take care of, or just do... Only he was not there. As we were placing the orders (I wanted all yellow roses for me and the children because yellow roses were his only favorite flower and what I had made for him to wear at our wedding) I was starting to "lose it", drifting away, zoning out, wishing I guess. I looked over my sister in law's shoulder and saw this garden stone and it was if (I know this sounds really silly) he was talking to me. It 1. made it so very real and I completely realized at that moment that he was lost to me and 2. became something that I had to have. I was going to go back to buy it, but my brother did instead. And there it was, at the funeral home. It is currently in the living room but, next summer, I plan on building a little garden in the back yard surrounding the stone with maybe a little bench. It is too late in the year to begin anything now, so it will have to wait.
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This next picture is of me (well the back of me which is the only part of me that I am confident in showing these days), my son, and my dear friend from England. We are walking in one of the pedestrian walkways between the Ren Cen and Millender Center. It really was a nice day (despite the spitting rain) and it went by too fast. I really hate saying goodbye to people these days.














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Why is my post titled "Attempts"? Because I am going to attempt to pick up my husband's ashes for the eighth time today. I have gotten as far as the parking lot and have had to come home. But I hate the thought of him being there alone. But I hate the thought of that being all that is left of him... I hate thinking at all these days.

I had a dream last night that he had died. I used to have these dreams about once or twice a year. I always believed it was my subconscious mind giving way to my worries. And I would wake up, roll over and give him the biggest hug. Only this morning I couldn't do that. This morning it was too real.

12 comments:

Shelly said...

What a beautiful stone. I love the garden idea. It sounds like a gorgeous memorial.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I too love your garden idea. Good luck today, picking up the ashes.

rachd said...

The stone is fantastic and I can definitely see why you needed it.

I just wanted to let you know that I have never felt you were comparing your grief to me, nor was my post directed at you. I think it was directed at anyone who has the NERVE to think they know best how *we* should be grieving. Does that make sense?

I had mentioned we discussed the differences between losing a spouse and losing a child in our CF meeting the other night. The thing is, we all agreed both are one of the most gut-wrenchingly awful things we have ever had to go through. You see, one of our "leaders" has lost a son and her husband and she's really able to put it all in perspective for us. Quite frankly, I would be just as happy to never have discovered how awful it is.

And, I'm SO happy you are getting out! That is wonderful. And yes, I completely get it when you say saying good-bye now is hard. It is.

HUGS!

Shari said...

That's a beautiful stone. I am glad that someone remembered to go back and get it for you. The garden idea is great.

Baby steps, right? Take your time. Everyone is different.

Haylee said...

The stone is lovely and the verse comforting.

It'll look great in your garden.

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

I can see why you felt Leonard speaking to you when you saw this stone. So simple yet so comforting. I am glad your brothers and their families got it for you. I think you making a garden with a bench and the stone in it is such a wonderful idea and maybe the kids could help too. This is something to plan and look forward to when the weather turns right again. Once again I want to tell you how good it sounds to hear you plan ahead to something special to your heart. I look forward to seeing pictures posted here next year:)
My prayers continue for your path to become a bit more gentle with each new day. I hope your face is feeling better today.
Love You, Laurie in Ca.

The Stevens Family said...

What a great stone. I hope you can continue to take the baby steps and heal in your own time.

Misguided Mommy said...

if you pick them up then you can sleep with him once again...just a thought

Marsha said...

I wonder if there is someone who can go with you to pick up the ashes. The stone is lovely. I love the idea of the garden. I love projects.

Jess T said...

That is a beautiful stone. I think it should definitely go in a bed of yellow roses! :)

Hugs,
Jess

Karen MEG said...

That stone is beautiful. I just found your blog, and I can't imagine what a difficult time this is for you. My heart weeps.
Hopefully having this stone will be a reminder of precious time you had together. Your husband seemed like a very special man, and you were lucky to have that kind of love, with him and your family.
Good luck with your attempt today. Just know there is someone else sending good thoughts your way.

Gina said...

What a wonderful stone, and I think the idea of the memorial garden is perfect.

I'm glad you got a bit of a respite from your pain, even if it was brief.