Monday, October 1, 2007

Field Trips

Today, my son and I went on a Field Trip. The first part was a boat ride and the second part was to the Science Center. That part was booo-ooo-rrr--ing. Why, you ask? Because that was his field trip in 2nd grade because he was in a 2/3 grade split and that's where the third graders go. It's a fun place to visit...but not a fun place to attempt to keep four children in line over 4 floors of exhibits. Luckily, all 4 of my charges came home. I enjoyed spending the day with my little boy...I miss them so much when they are in school...but my heart broke as we traveled by boat along the Canadian waterfront. My husband and I spent our wedding night in Windsor, before traveling by train to Niagara Falls. I remember, like yesterday, walking along the waterfront with him-seeing all the sights, the monuments...the same ones I saw without him today. God this hurts worse every day. I don't really think I do have the strength for it.

In the group picture, James is in the middle, a good friend of his is on the left and a little boy I detest with all my heart (for teasing James about his Daddy a couple of weeks ago) is on the right. I was extremely unfortunate, and this boy landed in our group. I had a hard time not being mean to him for what he had done to my son. He is easy to get angry at because he never listens, climbs on crap and is a general pain. The very sad part is that I don't feel any better for typing that.

I took my nightly shower and cry tonight. It does feel as if the heartache gets worse. I stare at the bracelet (the one with his name and crystals) and it doesn't seem possible. The service is a blur in my memory...I'm writing thank you cards to people I don't remember seeing, and feeling sorry that I didn't seem to talk to them. I am still grasping at something, anything, that will turn the clock back and bring my baby back to me. My strength, my kids' daddy...our family...back.

This last picture is a picture I took of James and Leonard in July, at the airshow. Leonard had made some of the parts for the engine you see behind them. I wish I would have listened better when he explained it to me. It is one of the many things I wish for that I won't receive. The other thing that was so very hard today was to see the other Dads on the field trip. Leonard was supposed to be there this year-he had promised James. I am a poor substitute for this Daddy's Boy's Daddy.

We went shopping today for a couch to match Krandall (see previous posts), because our sofa sleeper is getting kind of worn. I found myself in the store, not wanting to buy something that I know he'll never use...never see. It feels like the past few weeks have been one step forward and 500 steps back.

I thank all of you for your kind words, your support... I find myself wanting to post a happy memory tonight, but I can't find one. You are all wonderful people.


Laurie said...

Hi Laura, Just stopping by to see how you are since you seemed to be on my mind alot today. What a hard day for you and I am so sorry. I'm sure James appreciated you being there for him. I wish you could have posted a happy memory tonight too. Not because I needed to read it, just wishing for you that you could feel happy tonight in your heart. Praying for the days ahead to grow a bit lighter in spirit for you, just so you can breath and find hope. Keep talking out loud to him as much as you need to. I do it all the time and it's not crazy, I know he hears you in his heart. You are a special lady and loved very much.
Sleep well and safe in the Lords arms tonight.
Laurie in Ca.

The girl left behind said...

You don't have to be any certain way. Just being right now is more than enough on your plate. Just keep breathing. That's all you have to do.

1 step forward and 500 back is a really good rate of progress when you're grieving the man you loved. I'm not joking. I promise you; no one else has ever done better.

Kathy said...

As I read I was so glad to read that your honey moon trip to Niagra Falls was remembered so clearly.
Your son sure is handsome! He takes after his Dad alot.
Your heartache is palpable. I am so sorry. hugs to you.

Gina said...

Yes, you surely have a handsome young man who looks a lot like his father.

And, you don't have to post a happy thought, no one expects you to be all happiness and light when you have been coping with such a loss.

Again, my best wishes being sent your way. And hope that peace will come to you, one day that is sooner rather than later.

dynamitt said...

I so sorry for your loss.

Shari said...

I don't want to sound like a broken record. Just know that I think of you and hope that you are doing okay. You are there for your son and that's important.

Jess T said...

I'm glad you got to spend some time with your boys on the field trip. I'm sorry it brought up emotions, but it did remind you of good memories. :) I hope, with time, the memories will be easier to remember without as much hurt. Does that make sense?

Thinking of you today! :)

Jen said...

What a handsome son you have! Looks like he had fun on his fieldtrip and I bet he was so proud that you were able to join him. What a great step that was for you to go along - thinking of you!

Michele said...

I am sure it still meant so much to your son to have you there. Hang in there. You can do it.

Shannon said...

We are here for good days and bad days.

I'm glad you were able to go on the field trip with your son.

Lots of hugs. And don't stress about the thank you notes. I don't think people are expecting them anyways.


Shelly said...

I completely agree with everyone else. We are all just praying for you and hoping that visiting your blog and leaving you comments can help a little bit. But no one expects to see you cheerful and chipper and acting like nothing happened. You say whatever you need to say and we'll all read it and tell you we support you.

Swistle said...

It makes sense to me that the heartache would get worse: as he's gone longer, you'd miss him more. Furniture he'll never see--so sad.

Artemisia said...

Your son is very handsome - and it is so good to see him grinning.

Oh, please hang in there! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

rachd said...

I'm here. I was here last night but going to sleep and knew I wouldn't say anything that made any sense at all.

James is gorgeous, as is Leonard. I'm here for you, no matter what. Just know that!

you are doing fine, just fine. Keep hanging in there, it's the best you can do and you are doing your best. Big HUGS!!

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,
Thinking about you this morning and praying for you. Asking God to protect and comfort your broken heart as you continue to do your best in moving forward. My heart aches for yours and I can only imagine how hard this is for you. But I can pray for you and I do. May the clouds part enough today for you to see the rays of light and hope that are there for you. And a 1 to 500 ratio in steps is fine with God. It is a new walk for you and baby steps are so necessary until a new balance comes, and it will in time. You are loved.

Laurie in Ca.

J at said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your posts about your wonderful husband break my heart...your pain is so raw and palpable. I hope it helps some to talk about it here.