Today, my son and I went on a Field Trip. The first part was a boat ride and the second part was to the Science Center. That part was booo-ooo-rrr--ing. Why, you ask? Because that was his field trip in 2nd grade because he was in a 2/3 grade split and that's where the third graders go. It's a fun place to visit...but not a fun place to attempt to keep four children in line over 4 floors of exhibits. Luckily, all 4 of my charges came home. I enjoyed spending the day with my little boy...I miss them so much when they are in school...but my heart broke as we traveled by boat along the Canadian waterfront. My husband and I spent our wedding night in Windsor, before traveling by train to Niagara Falls. I remember, like yesterday, walking along the waterfront with him-seeing all the sights, the monuments...the same ones I saw without him today. God this hurts worse every day. I don't really think I do have the strength for it.
In the group picture, James is in the middle, a good friend of his is on the left and a little boy I detest with all my heart (for teasing James about his Daddy a couple of weeks ago) is on the right. I was extremely unfortunate, and this boy landed in our group. I had a hard time not being mean to him for what he had done to my son. He is easy to get angry at because he never listens, climbs on crap and is a general pain. The very sad part is that I don't feel any better for typing that.
I took my nightly shower and cry tonight. It does feel as if the heartache gets worse. I stare at the bracelet (the one with his name and crystals) and it doesn't seem possible. The service is a blur in my memory...I'm writing thank you cards to people I don't remember seeing, and feeling sorry that I didn't seem to talk to them. I am still grasping at something, anything, that will turn the clock back and bring my baby back to me. My strength, my kids' daddy...our family...back.
This last picture is a picture I took of James and Leonard in July, at the airshow. Leonard had made some of the parts for the engine you see behind them. I wish I would have listened better when he explained it to me. It is one of the many things I wish for that I won't receive. The other thing that was so very hard today was to see the other Dads on the field trip. Leonard was supposed to be there this year-he had promised James. I am a poor substitute for this Daddy's Boy's Daddy.
We went shopping today for a couch to match Krandall (see previous posts), because our sofa sleeper is getting kind of worn. I found myself in the store, not wanting to buy something that I know he'll never use...never see. It feels like the past few weeks have been one step forward and 500 steps back.
I thank all of you for your kind words, your support... I find myself wanting to post a happy memory tonight, but I can't find one. You are all wonderful people.