After so many years of using it, having people (you nice people, you) tell me that I'm not grumpy at all, having people think my husband was a miserable SOB (he definitely wasn't), I will post the story here. I have posted it here and there on the internet, as a comment on some one's blog, or in response to a message board,"How did you come up with your screen name query?". I usually answered far too late and so on it went. People thinking I was an older woman...so much so that many people (in my internet circle) were stunned at Leonard's and my ages. 37. 37 is what he always gets to be... But I'm getting off track. It goes like this.
We have a couple of dear friends who happen to be married. I met her through our daughter's friendship, and Leonard later became best friends with her husband. This is a the perfect grouping. All involved genuinely like and cared for each other. The bonus being our children getting along. Over the last 8 years we have spent a good majority of our free time together. Euchre parties (okay, not parties... 4 of us, cards, beer and laughter...God, I don't want that to be over), coffe drinking, poker tournaments for the guys, Costco shopping for the girls, birthday parties etc... One night we all went out to dinner. We were sitting all lined up and smooshed together in one of those booths that has the divider that can be removed. The kids were slap happy crazed and I had a headache. One of their daughters asked me a "What if..." type question that I can't remember anymore. I replied,"Well...that would make Mrs Grumpy very Harper..." and a username was born. They have also been known to call me MrsHarpy, but that would have created internet flamewars by its mere existance I fear.
Writing this, and remembering those days-Days that are no longer my present but only exist as a (seemingly) far distant past-is killer. All I want is that back. All I want is my children's Daddy back, Luke's (Luke is the friend) moron twin back...my whole life back.
Yesterday we went to a get together at one of Leonard's cousin's houses. It was an impromptu Christmas, bon voyage (another cousin is moving), let the kids play parties. My position is now an odd one. I just don't belong. I didn't want to go, but it is so good for James to see his family. It is so bad to stand on the porch I used to stand on with Leonard, watch the men he used to hang out with continue to hang out...only without him. Answer questions about how I'm feeling. I usually reply with,"I'm still here..." but it gets tired and I am tired and I am also freaking them out a bit I am sure. But one thing is true, while I long to be with him, I cannot and will not do that to my children. This is my punishment...for what, I do not know.