Sunday is, by far, the hardest. I almost wish I could sleep through it until Monday. But then I would miss one day with the kids in the house. I am a mess of contradictions. I sometimes wish he had bowled on Sundays, or golfed in the summer. But he never did. He kept Sundays for us. And Sundays without him are filled with tears in the bathroom and hours of waiting for it to be a decent enough hour in which to go to bed.
I was in our room today. I don't go in there very often, except to toss papers, that I don't want to deal with, on the bed, put away clothing, grab an earring or two etc... Today I was putting some clothes away and my eyes fell upon the bed. I haven't slept in that bed since Saturday, August 25th, 2007. And I know I could never sleep there again. Stupid and silly? Perhaps. It is just I cannot sleep there without his arms around me. I cannot stare up at the ceiling fan and think happy thoughts without hearing his breath (or usually, snores) besides me, or the weight of his arm across my chest. I can't do it. I know this is probably unhealthy, but it is the only way I can survive. Avoidance of some things. While I stood there, I realized I hadn't changed the sheets since that Saturday. They were fresh sheets that Saturday. So I ran my hand over the area that his sleeping body had last lain, next to me. And I cried again over how very much is lost, how much I hurt, and the realization that this will be how it is.
I begged for you over and over again, Leonard, to just come home, come back to me. I wish you could hear me...and then I dread that you do. I don't want you to worry anymore.
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13 comments:
Oh Laura. I hope this gets easier for you eventually. It seems impossible, but I hope it eases somewhat. My mom had a pillow made out of a shirt of my dads. She sleeps with it and his watch every night. It provides her some comfort. I hope there is something you have that does the same.
Can you switch rooms honey? Switch a room with a kiddo. Get rid of the bed.
I will be brave enough to not leave an anonymous comment soon.
My heart goes out to you during this terrible time. I was walking wounded during my first year. I continued sleeping in the bed we had together, but put everything else in storage. I have forgotten some parts of it already, but I still carry most of it and suspect I always will. It was just so surreal, it's amazing what how we survive.
*hugs*
Kate
Oh Honey - Huge Hugs From Me!!!
I hope you have a great week sweetie.
I understand the bed thing. I understand the room thing. I've been in Han's room only a handful of times--it's just too damn hard.
Sundays completely and totally suck for me too. I'm so sorry the hurt was so big yesterday.
HUGS!
On a brighter note, I don't know if you saw, but Jess T and Nathan are home. :o)
It's not "silly or stupid" at all! You know what feels right to you and you're following that. It took me a few weeks to get back into the room and bed where my husband died, but once I did I found a lot of comfort in being there. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong.
You just deal with things the way you need to. No one can say what is right and wrong. You are keeping yourself and your children going and that in and of itself is a miracle.
Hang in there honey. I am praying for you.
I hope writing about it helps. If nothing else, you remind me, no matter how annoyed I'm feeling at Jim at the moment, to treasure the fact of him, here in my life.
I was just catching up on your posts and I am so glad you are sounding wonderful in most of the posts! Exciting for Nicole to meet Magglio, huh? If the Packers win the super bowl I may be a little freaked out by your premonition. Have a good day!
I sleep in our full sized bed. I got rid of the California King waterbed. We were always going to set that up, having used it at our former home, which had huge rooms.
We had been sleeping on a full-sized regular mattress. I still wake up clinging to my 1/10th of it. The cats can have the rest.
Do whatever you need to. I hope you are sleeping on a bed, though. Couches and recliners are bad for your back. I did that for a while.
I never thought about how or where you were sleeping. There's so many steps to take. Take them as little as you need to. Some people need to wade into the deep water slowly-adjusting to the wetness of the water, others plunge right in. You know your limits. I think you are doing the best you can. The kids are great, too.
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