First off, thank you Melissa, for pointing that out to me. I guess it is the dichotomy of his relationship with his family, and some of the completely our of the ordinary things they have done (ex. setting up times to pull up in the driveway and honk the horn for James to come out...without telling me. That was what was on my mind for that post). I have welcomed them into our lives...his life, I guess. But it appears it shall only be on their terms. In my defense, a lot of this "moving on" has been suggested since Sept 1. Also, my husband's name is not to be brought up by his children. It saddens me I guess. But I cannot control the world.
James had a rather rough time of it last night. I don't know if it is jealousy or changes or just little boys being little boys...but most times he doesn't like his sister bringing her boyfriend over. It is a love hate relationship between James and his sister, for sure...just like siblings the world over, but this has a tendency to send him into a crying jag. Perhaps there being four, but one of the four isn't the one he expects.
"I want my Dad"... rocking in the swing. I took him there to calm him down last night. We sat and rocked and talked in the backyard. When his "best" friend gets mad at him he tells him,"I'm so glad I have a dad..." Things that make want to run and wring necks...but I can't. I can only tell him that it is a difficult thing for his friends to understand. That the permanancy is still something that he, and they, will grapple with. And then he confessed his still held guilt. That is what always gets to me. That this small (well not so anymore) would feel guilty for something beyond his control. I understand it, because I am there too. We glided for awhile and talked about changes, and that maybe moving would be for the best. We talked about him trying to stay by himself at night... I think he is almost there.
Bedtime came fast. I always try to physically exhaust myself to keep from thinking, which then leads to dreams. I think, because changes and moves had been on my mind all day, my husband popped up...across the breakfast bar, where he always sat after work, while I cooked. His face so sad... It was odd, because I could feel myself crying, even while sleeping.
We talked. About James...oh how sorry Leonard was.
About Nicole...still more sorrow.
What was I thinking of doing? His question.
I don't know.
Do what's best. You've always taken such good care of us all.
I don't know what to do.
And then this...
If given a chance at it again...where and with whom do you think you would end up?
If given a chance I didn't want, I wouldn't take it. I wish so much that you had realized that you were it for me. That there isn't another you. There is only me remaining of us. Yes, I will move, but never forward, to a person I wouldn't want as much as I want you...
Such sorrow on his face...and tears that were rarely seen from him in real life. And knowing, and realizing...
And then I woke up to start another day.
James did not yell at me this morning, as he so often does... that is a start.