Friday, May 30, 2008

Crazy Dreams and Crying Boys... A Conversation with my husband.

First off, thank you Melissa, for pointing that out to me. I guess it is the dichotomy of his relationship with his family, and some of the completely our of the ordinary things they have done (ex. setting up times to pull up in the driveway and honk the horn for James to come out...without telling me. That was what was on my mind for that post). I have welcomed them into our lives...his life, I guess. But it appears it shall only be on their terms. In my defense, a lot of this "moving on" has been suggested since Sept 1. Also, my husband's name is not to be brought up by his children. It saddens me I guess. But I cannot control the world.

James had a rather rough time of it last night. I don't know if it is jealousy or changes or just little boys being little boys...but most times he doesn't like his sister bringing her boyfriend over. It is a love hate relationship between James and his sister, for sure...just like siblings the world over, but this has a tendency to send him into a crying jag. Perhaps there being four, but one of the four isn't the one he expects.

"I want my Dad"... rocking in the swing. I took him there to calm him down last night. We sat and rocked and talked in the backyard. When his "best" friend gets mad at him he tells him,"I'm so glad I have a dad..." Things that make want to run and wring necks...but I can't. I can only tell him that it is a difficult thing for his friends to understand. That the permanancy is still something that he, and they, will grapple with. And then he confessed his still held guilt. That is what always gets to me. That this small (well not so anymore) would feel guilty for something beyond his control. I understand it, because I am there too. We glided for awhile and talked about changes, and that maybe moving would be for the best. We talked about him trying to stay by himself at night... I think he is almost there.

Bedtime came fast. I always try to physically exhaust myself to keep from thinking, which then leads to dreams. I think, because changes and moves had been on my mind all day, my husband popped up...across the breakfast bar, where he always sat after work, while I cooked. His face so sad... It was odd, because I could feel myself crying, even while sleeping.

We talked. About James...oh how sorry Leonard was.
About Nicole...still more sorrow.

What was I thinking of doing? His question.

I don't know.

Do what's best. You've always taken such good care of us all.

I don't know what to do.

And then this...

If given a chance at it again...where and with whom do you think you would end up?

If given a chance I didn't want, I wouldn't take it. I wish so much that you had realized that you were it for me. That there isn't another you. There is only me remaining of us. Yes, I will move, but never forward, to a person I wouldn't want as much as I want you...

Such sorrow on his face...and tears that were rarely seen from him in real life. And knowing, and realizing...

And then I woke up to start another day.

James did not yell at me this morning, as he so often does... that is a start.

16 comments:

Rach said...

I'm so sorry small children can be so cruel. SO sorry.

Maybe you all DO need a fresh start somewhere.

Big HUGS as you continue along this roller coaster.

Marshamlow said...

If you were to move on with your life and find another path which was a good and happy path...It would make what Leonard did ... forgivable, right, ok? I think there may be a little bit of anger or resentment or I want to prove you wrong still there. Spending the rest of your life unhappy will prove that he was wrong, but he was wrong, even if you make the best of a bad situation. You would have all been better off if he was still here, that will never change. But, your life is precious too - don't make the same mistake he made by giving up on the rest of your life.

I think your in laws are grieving weird, making people pretend that it never happened, especially children, that is weird.

TGLB said...

I think it was a visit, and a nudge, for you to think about what you might want, what you once wanted. And he has the faith in you that you're not necessarily feeling; but he has a new perspective now that is surely greater than ours.

Donna said...

Loving you all.....so, much sweetie....

Jeanette said...

Poor James Kids can be so cruel it's unimaginable. Did you think of talking to that friend's mother and telling her what her child says? If it was my child saying that I would be appalled!
Maybe your dream was a gentle nudge to try to begin to move on. For your sake and the kid's sake it's probably the best thing to do. Thinking of you.

Courtney said...

Why are kids so cruel sometimes? I can only imagine what you feel when this happens because he isn't even my child and I want to ring that kids neck!

Hugs to you! Hang in there sweetie.

artemisia said...

I am so glad you had that conversation with Leonard last night.I truly believe those are conversations. I have conversations with my mom in dreams, and always when I need her.

I am thinking of you. You are doing such a good job as a mom, Laura. I wish I was as good a sister as you are a mom.

Debbie in NC said...

I'm glad to see James getting some things out...even if it hurts. As one who knows about holding hurt and anger in as a child, this is a good thing. Moving on is hard, but is more healthy in the long run.

I'd like to wring that kid's neck too...but wonder if James may be saying he said it because that's the way he feels. Just a thought...

Melissa said...

OK, I stand corrected, not talking about Leonard IS weird, and totally not healthy. Picking up and moving on does not mean erasing Leonard. He is a huge part of who you all are.

But moving on and letting yourself feel happy is not a betrayal of him, its just what happens, such is life.

Suicide is such the ultimate betrayal, and so selfish. Thats right, he betrayed YOU and your kids, and his parents and everyone else that loved him. I understand depression, I live it everyday. There are days I dont want to go on, but I must. If I decide not to, there will be people left in my wake that will be shattered. Left feeling what could I have done differently, how could I have stopped it. Its just not fair.

Giving you HUGE hugs right now. You are doing it right, no matter what you decide. You are going on. And that is the way it should be.

Kathy said...

Laura, I am so glad you are back. I check on you daily but often have trouble leaving comments. (Back woods internet)
I am so happy you had Leonard in a dream! I am so excited he conversed with you. I know you will deeply consider what he had to say.
Love you! Hugs and Prayers!

desperate housewife said...

Sounds like it may be just as well that the in laws are drifting out of your lives. Children should be allowed, and encouraged, to remember those they have lost. Otherwise it's just that much more confusing for them. In my opinion.
I believe in dreams, too. I'm sorry they're hard for you, though.

Ronni said...

Kids sometimes blame Mom, or take it out on Mom, because Mom is supposed to be able to fix everything. It must be very difficult for James if he grandparents won't let him talk about Dad. After all, who can a kid expect to talk to, if not Dad's parents?

Hang in there. James is acting out a bit, and I think that's healthy.

BetteJo said...

James wanting his dad, crying for him, whatever the reason at that moment - must be heartbreaking. Sitting on a swing in the dark talking sounds wonderfully soothing. For both of you.

Shelly said...

I totally agree about wanting to wring that kid's neck. What a horrible thing to say! You are doing a great job with James - holding him and rocking in the swing is exactly what he needs, as well as the freedom to talk about his Dad. Your in-laws are all wrong about that one. Hugs to you all - thinking of you.

Classic Charm said...

Hi Laura,
Sorry I've been away. I just read back to the last time I was here, so I'm all caught up again. I think that Leonard was really there in your dream, letting you know that you will make the right decision for your family. Praying that God will guide you.
Hugs,
Rose

Misguided Mommy said...

hi i miss you, how are you? i'm thinking of you, always.