Thursday, September 6, 2007

What next?

Today I had to go to the police station to claim his things. My father tried to do it for me and they would not let him. Reading the words on the forms I had to sign, reading through his list of things (3 keyrings, pocket knife, wallet, cell phone, comb, belt buckle) destroyed me. The stuff of his life, no longer his, but mine to claim. So many awful memories, a week and a half fresh...of that very same station...the very same people...and even more pain. Again it hits me that these are the types of things that he took care of and shielded me from. So I signed the forms releasing them from liability for possibly "contaminating" me (how could my baby contaminate me?) and brought them home. I can't go through them. My father has them.

My mother in law is mad because my son has not been back to school since Tuesday. He is not ready. His separation anxiety is great. His teacher knows and acknowledges that we are making the right decision. I am defending him against stupid words ("Now you have to take care of Mama", "Be a little man") that could wreck his psyche. Knowing I cannot make this hurt better for him, but only help see him through.

He played with his cousin today, which is a good thing. I am trying to encourage him that this is what Daddy would want, just as I encourage our daughter that daddy would want her to do the best she can this last year of school... all the while I am just waiting.


Pentha said...

Hi... I followed your link from the widow board. I just want to assure you that as horrible and awful things are -- and they ARE -- you won't always feel the way you do now.

I know you don't believe me, and that's okay. Just take a deep breath and move gently into the next moment.

-- Pentha, wishing you a measure of peace today

Michele said...

I can't imagine. That is all I can say.

Gina said...

I wish that soon you can find some rest and peace. Although I am afraid that it won't be soon at all. Again, thinking about you and hugs.

rachd said...

Hi Honey. I'm just checking in on you, wishing there were *something* I could do to ease your burden a little.

I'm so sorry you had to go collect your husband's personal effects as well as having to deal with well-intentioned by utterly inappropriate statements to your son.

Many many hugs and prayers to you this evening.

Ortizzle said...

My thoughts are with you. I hope there are many friends and family nearby who can help you get through this time.

Shari said...

I am sending you my thoughts and prayers for your family during this hard time. Be a family. Do what you feel is right. Even if it means staying home from school for your son.

I think about you often and hope in some small way it keeps you strong. You have such a big heart.


Misguided Mommy said...

wow. I just signed on and I'm so sorry. i'm thinking of you.

rachd said...

Hi Honey. I think about you every day and pray for you and your family.

You are right, some days are just holding patterns--the same routines done over and over again until they are just done through muscle memory and you are left wondering where the day has gone and what you did. I SO wish I could promise you better days ahead, but the one thing I have discovered about this grief thing is that it is so unique to eveyone. You will get through it the way that is best for you and your family--have faith in that. Many many {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you.

Lori Turnbow said...

First I am so sorry for your loss. I also agree, everyone grieves differently. My sister's birthday was yesterday (she passed 3 years ago). It's awful, just awful.. Each person has a different relationship, different memories and a different special place that is in their heart. Just do what you can, don't let anyone's expectations ( including your own) make you feel even unimaginiably worse than you already do. For today, just breathe. When you can do more, you will.