Wednesday, September 12, 2007


This is one of my favorite pictures of my husband and our son. It was taken at Eastertime and the timeless quality of it made me catch my breath the first time I saw it. My son carries it with him to school every day.
My husband was beautiful. I would find myself wondering when that "in love" feeling faded in a marriage...that "oh my gosh, my stomach just flipped" feeling whenever he came home from work. It is a physical,mental and spiritual ache.
I hate that I cannot help our children. I can only see them through. I hate that I still wake up at 4:30 every morning to get him up for work. It is always 4:30, which would make him laugh because sometimes I used to oversleep. I have yet to do that.
All of things that I did for my husband: getting him up, making his lunch, rubbing his back, fixing his plate at family functions, I did because wanted to...not because I had to. I got teased a lot but it was worth it. I. Love. Him. When you love someone it's what you want to do.
A month or so before my husband died (I hate typing that still) I came across the blog of a woman who had lost her daughter. I cannot imagine that pain. In her writings, this woman shared her very special daughter with all of us and taught me a lesson. To appreciate and be grateful. I showed the blog to my husband and told him how much I loved him, appreciated him and the children and how I could not imagine this happening to such undeserving, wonderful people. It was also a discussion we had back after the airshow and pilot who crashed. We spent a lot of time on regrets, not having them and just being grateful. I did not know then how soon that would be put to use. It is so very hard. I still wake up wondering why I am in the living room and he is not there.
I would give my soul to have him wink at me, or kiss me midsentence, just one last time.


Tessie said...

I'm so glad your son has that picture.

Thinking of you.

Laurie said...

Hi, I found you on Hannah & Lilys a week ago and then a "tug" on my heart brought me over to read about you. I read your "comment about comments" post and felt right at home. I am new to this for about 3 months now and I read alot and comment little for the reasons you gave, and more. I am old enough to be your mom, so if I sound like one, I feel like one. I also cannot master the "one-liner" comments, it is not my nature. My heart aches for you losing Leonard so suddenly in the middle of living a life that sounds so full of love. I have been married 39 years and get up every morning all these years at the same time you do for the same reason. We love them and want to show it. The picture of your son and husband is such a precious memory and I can see why it comforts him to keep it with him. You are helping your kids by seeing them through. Your love and support and honesty is a priceless treasure for them to draw from. They are such beautiful kids too!! I pray for you to find your way each day as you walk the journey that is before you. I am so glad you posted today and shared a bit of your heart. In the quiet moments when the hurt is hard to bear, may love become your shelter and the beauty of precious memories be your comfort. You are held in gentle thought and prayer by me.
Much Love from California. Laurie

rachd said...

Hi there. The picture is priceless--what handsome men you have in your life. :o)

I keep checking in and praying for you as I know no other way to help you through this. You are doing the best you can for your children and that's all you can ask of yourself.

And, just so you know, I don't like writing the word "died" either.

Big HUGS!!

Shari said...

I find myself thinking about you often and want to check in to see how you are doing. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine the pain and loss. He is still in your hearts and his presence is felt everywhere you go, especially in your home and all the places in your memories. It is good to talk about memories. Some people think it's better not to say anything. He was real-a part of your lives. I hope I am making sense here. It's just good to talk about him.

That's wonderful that your son wants to keep the picture with him.

Still praying for you.


Ortizzle said...

I have been where you are, although not with children, and I feel so deeply for you. It is so heart-wrenching to go through all those routines, only now the other half of your routine is not there and it doesn't even seem real.

You will find your way, slowly but surely. Do not worry that you cannot do enough to help the children. Just going through the paces is plenty right now. Console yourself, if it is possible, with the fact that you did tell your husband many times and in many ways how much you loved and appreciated him.

Meantime... more ((((( )))))

Gina said...

That photo is so wonderful in so many ways. I can see why you treasure it.

My thoughts are with you, my dear.