Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Putting too fine a point on it...

Christmas cards have started rolling in. Most years I looked forward to this because I loved the sending and the receiving-reading about the updates among our family and friends, and letting them know ours. And now, it's this year. The first two cards were addressed to Mr and Mrs. Our Last Name (it's not like it's too hard to figure out, me being all transparent about those things but this makes me feel better). They were written by two people who (obviously) didn't know. One, a coworker from a place he used to work. The second, our old next door neighbors. These things make it seem not real. I mean it can't be real. This can't have happened. I don't want it to have happened. I still think, somehow, I can change this. I am full of it. The proper thing to do would be to write them and let them know... I don't want to. My twisted mind thinks that, if they don't know, then maybe it's like he is a little bit alive still... because I think crazy thoughts like that all the time. And I really, really, really NEED for him to be alive. How would one go about letting them know after so much time has passed...? Scratch that. How could one go about letting them know after three and a half months have passed and she, herself, doesn't yet get it?

I'm not sending out cards this year because there isn't really anything to say. Today was a really bad day. I most of the time feel like I am living in a parallel universe. I sometimes think that I think too much about it. Today, as I was putting the beads on the tree, I wanted to pull it down (the tree) and throw the ornaments. Today, as my father was talking to me I wanted to scream,"shut up! shut up! SHUT UP!!!" I want to make this stop.

The television special "For One More Day" is coming out (this weekend, I think). I read the book when it came out. My thoughts have changed since I lost Leonard. One More Day wouldn't make a difference. In my case at least. It would just be one more day of loving him...and still feeling the tremendous loss...because that Saturday would have been a perfect One More Day. If only I was okay with it being only one more day. I know this paragraph doesn't make much sense, but it me. If I were to have one more day, I would still feel cheated at its end. I would still be angry, and sad, and ripped apart, and needy. I would ask for more. Because I am selfish. Because it never would have been enough. Forever, with this wonderful man, would not have been enough. Because I lived in fear of this day even when I thought it would happen much later in my life.

Pictures. I have tons of pictures. And the boards for the service that are exactly where they were put when we got home. I can't look at them. Today I gave voice and life to the words, "I am afraid I will never be able to look at my beautiful husband's face again." It gets worse. It is almost a phobia. I am afraid to look at my husband's face for fear that this pain will spiral out of control.

If you usually get a Christmas card from me I am very sorry.


rachd said...

I too am selfish, and one more day would make me want another and another and another, until I no longer existed and someone else had to deal with the pain of my loss, not vice versa. Does that make sense??

I'm sorry those first two Christmas cards were so rough.

As for the pictures, I can't look at photos of Han. I've got some that are up in the house, but I can't go delving into my archives to see her--it hurts WAY too much. It makes it too real for me. There have been no new photos of the Monk since July 19th and there will *be* no new photos and looking back on the ones that are there only cement that in my brain and it SUCKS!

So, don't force it, just go with it. That's what I've learned to do--just go with it. There's not much else we can do, is there?

Big fat HUGS!

Alicia said...

Because it never would have been enough. Forever, with this wonderful man, would not have been enough.

Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. It's a terrible terrible loss. And every breath together was a blessing and a gift. Having it ripped away -- there aren't words for it.

But you are right: Forever would not have been enough.

-- Alicia, wishing you a measure of peace today

BTW, about the cards: The first year, I sent no cards. I did send a page to the people who didn't know who I thought SHOULD know. The top half was his obituary, and the bottom half was a brief explanation of what had happened and fervent request for prayers. Maybe you can do that? If not, that's okay. Really, it is.

The girl left behind said...

See, I'm different. I HAVE to look at his pictures. I even put them on my iPod so that when I travel and am not surrounded by the ones I have up at home, I will not be without him. Early on, I spent many, many nights looking at the pictures and crying myself sick. I tend to think that those tears needed to come out, and if not then, then some day. I don't think we can outrun it forever, though we can for a long time. His pictures are my screensaver at home; I watch the slideshow constantly, all night long. Sometimes I get lost in his handsome face; sometimes I get lost in my tears. Sometimes...and more and more...they make me smile.

Hugs to you.

Betts4 said...

Oh. Like 'the girl left behinds comment, I have them all over. I look at them. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. Sometimes it hurts soo much. Sometimes it is a comfort. I just can't not look at them.
I got a digital keychain and programmed about 40 pics into it. The picture boards from his service stayed where they were for months, but I finally started sorting things out and pulled them off of there.
I hadn't heard about 'one more day' but I keep seeing commercials for 'p.s. I love you' movie and I can't watch them. Or the holiday happy family commercials. I get sick.

I think hugs for all of us!!!

haylee said...

I so agree - how could one more day ever be enough? Especially if one were aware that it was a mere "one more day".

Holiday hugs to us all!

The Stevens Family said...

The only way one more day would be enough is if that day lasted forever. Hugs to you on your bad day and I hope you start feeling a little better soon. Praying for you.

Laurie said...

I completely agree with every single comment above. I am so sorry these bad days hit like a brick to the head and heart. I have not been where you are, yet the fear of it has always lurked around in the back of my thoughts. And I know that this could be my reality any moment. I don't know what I would do, yet I know in my heart when I read you and others that I would be lost and doing exactly what all of you are doing and probably worse. So I just continue to pray for you and ask the Lord to help you through this darkness and shine some of His light for you find hope. I have no answers, just prayers. Love you Laura.

Laurie in Ca.

Kathy said...

Thinking of you.

SJW said...

I am so glad to know it not just crazy ole me that thinks "For One More Day" is the most assinine concept ever.
After 8 months I am not as raw with grief as I was...but to have my Daz back for JUST one day, now armed with the knowledge of just how much it will hurt when he goes again? No. I think I'll pass, unless like others have said, that one day would be for all eternity.

I wish all widows strength on this awful journey that we are forced to make.

Shari said...

One more day would never be enough.

I can understand that. We think we are invincible and that things happen to other people. We tend to take for granted that the people we love will always be there. Even if you knew that there was one more day, you'd wish that day would never end.

Prayers and thoughts continously are sent your way.

Swistle said...

Oh, that's awful, the cards from people who don't know! I wouldn't even tell them, in part because they'd feel HORRIBLE. I'd wait and see if I felt like sending cards next year (gah, no, don't send them this year, there is no reason to be sorry for that), and if I DID, I'd send them early to those people and mention it THEN. They won't be sure at that point what they did with the cards the previous year, and it'll be less awful all around.