Sitting in Chairs

I have sat in a lot of chairs this past week, keeping vigil, willing life back into Nicole's body. A body that at times looks exactly like my baby did when she was three. I have sat in the plastic covered chairs that convert to beds but never feel quite right, the springy backed plastic conference chairs, the ledge of the window in her room and once on a closed porta potty. All the while, trying to make her healthy again.

She had a lot of visitors tonight and I think they made her tired. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright and dull all at the same time. There isn't the happy girl there. The one that draws people to her. The one that was always better at conversation than I. After everyone left, I sat for awhile, hoping my presence would give her some rest...I am not always sure of that because she has always been Poppy's girl. I could not help the tears that came. Tears for her and the thought that she might never have children of her own...and she loves them so much. Her sad little voice had assured me,"Don't worry. There's lots of little kids that need mom's. I can always adopt." Tears over how this had happened so quickly, over what could have been differently. Fresh tears for a fresh situation, mingling with ever ready, already feeling ancient tears for the man I haven't seen in ever so long and still ache to see. He would have made this right. He would have known exactly what to do. He could have calmed all of our fears.

I drove home tonight with James because he is missing me and scared for his sister and sad and all those things that a little boy should never be. I drove home in our too big for us now car thinking about how, just 4 and a half months ago there were four of us. Four of us more content and happy than I ever was grateful for. Tonight there were two of us. And I wish I could stop thinking for awhile.

Your thoughts, your vibes and your prayers have meant so much. The cards and Christmas cards make me smile and I really appreciate them. I put up a picture of Magglio that a friend from DU found in her room and it made her smile. I've printed up well wishes for her to read. You are all really wonderful. I can never hope to repay this kindness.

And on to her status. Her temperature rose slightly to 100 tonight. The nurse turned down the thermostat in her room which could have contributed to that. It was at a very muggy 77. Her hemoglobin is below 8. If it stays that way tomorrow they will give her a transfusion. On the positive side, they clamped her NG tube late last night, and she made it through the day without nausea which means they can remove it tomorrow. Her oxygen saturation remains high. There are bright spots everywhere here. The fever is the thing that worries me most because the chance of recurrent infection is pretty high... her surgeon is excellent though. She worries a lot about things "hurting", like the removal of the NG, the removal of the staples, the drains coming out. My reply is always,"I will be right here baby..." I wish I could trade places with her.