Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I am not a 9 year old

Tonight was our Parent Meeting for the upcoming trip to Mackinac Island. I find myself wondering what I have signed on for (little sleep, much headaches, and hopefully a few memories of time spent with my little boy to cherish). This will be a tough thing to do because Up North is "Leonard Country" and we once took Nik to the island as a 4 year old and I know that there will be bittersweet memories around each bend our bikes take.

I cannot stand the way the principal acts and speaks toward the parents of the school. One, they had many questions. For many of them, it will be the first time their little ones are away from home over night...let alone hundreds of miles away. And he doesn't appear to take this into consideration and each question asked was a visible irritant to him. I am quite grateful that this is his last year before he moves on to Superintendant... although I do find myself thinking there are other, more qualified people for the job. Ah well. I am sure you will hear lots about this trip afterward. I imagine there will be lots of fun fodder for the blog.

I want to take a minute to thank Linda. Linda, you have no idea how much the candle meant to me. What amazes me is how little gifts and notes and emails come at times when I feel like I am at my lowest (it's amazing how low one can get without truly hitting the bottom). Linda sent me a beautiful votive holder inscribed "This light is me saying a prayer for you"... It is lit and sitting right next to me-making the night seem a little bit less lonely. You are so wonderful to do that. The friends I have made and the outpouring of generosity and caring blow not only me away...but also my dad. He does not come here because he says it is hard enough to read my face... without reading the words that go with it. I do tell him of the cards and the remembrances and gifts that are sent and it has given him a whole different view on this open diary of mine. I know there are times when he thought I should close it down; that sharing this pain was going to end up hurting me more than it would help. I think he sees how cathartic it is for me. Words are all I have. Sharing my love with you all keeps him alive in some small way and I need for him to be alive. Because that can't happen, this is all I have.

Someone mentioned one small word today. "Titatnium"... and I was in tears. Leonard worked with titanium and was an artist in crafting it to the specs he had put forth. I don't think that the word will ever just be a metal for me anymore. It represents a life to me now. A life taken far too soon. The part of my soul that rips wider each day as realization smacks me-hard-each morning.

Good night all.


Courtney said...

I am so glad you didn't stop blogging. You have taught me so much about the relationship I have with my husband and for that I am so grateful. I am so glad I started my blog and ran across RachD's and yours. From the two of you I am learning to be a better mom and wife. I would never want to see someone go through this, but I want you to know it is helping others in ways you don't even know! Thank you for being so open and honest.

Rach said...

I know I had some family members who were a little stunned at how wonderful my blog has been for me and how supportive and caring so many have been.

Leonard will always be a part of us now, even if you were to stop (DON'T even *think* about it!!) because you made him real for us all. We love him because you did.

You are an amazing woman, Laura. Simply amazing. :o)

Marshamlow said...

I am pretty sure that all people who do not blog do not understand it and look down at it a little. I hope your trip is wonderful.

Betts4 said...

I am glad you are still blogging and keeping it up to date. The blogging does let you get some things out of the system. Thoughts that don't need/shouldn't be locked up.

Even simple ones like how much fun it will be to go on a trip with your son, to the one about the pain in seeing where you were with Leonard once.

desperate housewife said...

I'm very glad you've kept writing. It means a lot to us all.
I hope the trip goes well. I've always wanted to go to Mackinac Island, as we live fairly close.

Linda said...

I can understand your dad "not understanding" this journal. I hate to generalize, but sometimes I think that men don't understand the "compassion" of women.
I don't need to see someones face, or hear their voice to be a friend.
And if I can become a friend to someone in their darkest hour, then I am truly blessed.
A little caring can go a long, long way.

Shari said...

I've always believed that writing is therapeutic. I think it helps to heal, to sort out our minds, and even face things head on.

I am glad that you share what you feel so honestly. So many people are married and not happy. It's rare (or I am around too many negative people) to see any couple so happy together that they will be heartbroken when the other is gone. I only wish you didn't have to go through this.

Does that prinicpal have any kids? Did his kid stay overnight with a class at the age of 9 miles away from home? I hope he isn't superintendent around here.

BetteJo said...

It's amazing the connections we make online, isn't it? But you wouldn't make any at all if you weren't open to it and in my opinion - that can only be healthy.

Thinking of you ..