Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Something Plagues me...

I still mean to fill you in on the party, but you (well most of you) know me by now and how I am still meaning to finish my wedding story, our honeymoon story and a million other things so bear with me here.

Tonight, make that this morning, I am thinking again about internet connections. Not the wires, but the humanity behind them. I bring this up because of an interesting situation on another site today. As a mom, and a human, I was sickened to read of the baby killed by the puppy in OK. I am horrified that this happened and also so very sad for this family.

Apparently the 17 year old mother has been hospitalized. As would I be. I cannot imagine the pain. Especially when one realizes this could have easily been prevented in so many ways. But it's too late. One can only hurt or (as I learned today) hate this family. Why is it we can sit behind a computer and spout off things such as,"Probably high on meth." ? It appears the mother and grandmother were sleeping while the father and grandfather had left the house. Massive miscommunication there. But, I really don't think it was willfull negligience. Immense stupidity, of the kind I was guilty of as a 19 year old, ending in a tragedy that will never be forgotten. Punishment enough, again, in my opinion. Why is it, when one expresses sympathy and asks others their intent they are accused of "taking something too personally"? When did we get to decide how we think others should think? Or did we? Is it just easy because we aren't sitting across the table from each other? Sometimes I think, at least I hope, it is. It also illustrates why it is so easy for anonymous commenters here on my blog, and on the blogs of others, to freely offer hurtful help. It opens my eyes. In ways, it makes certain things that are said easier to handle. I don't know this young couple, nor does anonymous know me. Usernames on message boards don't know whether a grandma in the background smoking a cigarette is responding properly or not. They don't know her. They only think they do. Or think they know the proper way to behave in that situation. Odd thoughts come to one in traumatic situations sometimes. I remember lying there, at the police station, wondering if I had turned the coffee pot off. In hindsight, in my opinion, it was my mind protecting itself from going using the truly mundane. I talked about this with my brother in law (my husband's brother) and he confessed to the very same thing. Again, a a mental buffer against a tremendous blow.

So, in short, I guess this is me taking my blog back from the hands of those "who know better than me". And in the words of a woman from my Sandcastles group,"Don't 'should' on me..." I know it may not make sense to you, but it makes mountains of sense to me. If anonymous, and/or username on a message board, feels free to tell me how to react, how badly I am doing, what my problem is, well then I guess I can feel free to not listen. Or, on those truly filter free days, defend myself. My choice, my life.

I'll see you in the afternoon, to tell you about that party. People tell me it was fun, and nice even.


Kesha said...

makes a lot of sense to me too Laura!

I like that, "Don't should on me"

Still reading and in awe of your strength and fortitude.

lots o'love.


haylee said...

Absolutely spot on, Laura.

I do think you are right in that some people operate under a different set of "rules of engagement" on the internet. Even if aware of the fact that there is another *real* human being on the other "end", some don't feel bound by common decency and give themselves wide berth to pronounce judgement. Of course these people exist in "real life" too but the anonymity of the internet gives others license to take up a scythe and hack away without thought to the possible effects on others. "The pen is mightier than the sword" is totally discounted.

I have little tolerance for judgemental people in the main and even less for those who think that because something is posted on the internet for all to see they somehow have the right -- even a responsibility -- to form their own conclusions and run with them.

No one knows what is truly at play in another's life and they have no right to offer up their own suppositions, platitudes and "easy remedies" to the travails of others. It is not only rude but it is downright wrong.

The story of the baby and the dog set me back on my heels as well. It is an unimaginable tragedy. If one feels the need to comment at all, surely it should be with a sense of empathy for the horror of it all rather than to speculate and finger point. Yes, it's difficult to imagine how that could have happened but happen it did -- it gives no one the right to ascribe the worst possible actions to those involved. What is a fair guess is that the family is now experiencing a nightmare of proportions that the rest of us cannot fathom.

I struggle with the fact that the sentiment of "there but for the grace of God go I" has been usurped by a self-given right to judge and have all the *easy* answers without knowing the person or any of the details.

Sorry this post is so rambling but you touched a sore spot with me. I sometimes think to myself that they would sing a different tune if it were their life yet I wouldn't wish that "lesson" on anyone. Some people truly don't get it. "Ignorance is bliss" is a truism.

Glad Nik's party went well -- look forward to the details.

Hugs 'n stuff,

Courtney said...

Never thought about the don't should on me, but what a wise person to say that! I cannot judge to tell you you are right or wrong because I haven't been there. I can come here, read and do my best to support you and try to find the "perfect" thing to say, knowing it will never happen.

Hugs to you!

Marshamlow said...

I guess it must be easier to see how full of crap the annonymous people are when the comments are directed at someone else.

I was thinking of you yesterday wishing that I had written a better comment during the whole annonymous fiasco. What I meant to say is that I read your blog because I have come to care about you and your family. I also feel like I see you on a good path, a path that gives me hope.

Look how far you have come. How hard you have worked. I feel like yours is a story of strength and hope. I am in awe of how you manage to keep on being a great mom and not curl up in a ball all day and disconnect. It makes me feel like I can handle the fact that my little one is starting kindergarten and I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. Pretty dumb thing to worry about in comparison.

We all hit bumps in the road, some of the huge and some of the tiny. It is always good to have a role model, a voice in the head saying you can do this, look at Laura. If she can put one foot in front of another and keep it together for the family so can you.

I am so sorry those comments bothered you so much. I try so hard to not give advice but I always seem to slip. You are much smarter than I am and I am amazed at how well you are doing.

Jen said...

well said Laura - I tend to agree with you on the internet comments. I am horrified at what people say, whether they are on news articles or personal blogs like yours and Rachael's. I know I don't comment often here, but I check in every day.

Donna said...

I just want you to smile, knowing how Very much you are Loved by All of us. I want you to Be you, do what You want to do, say what You want to say...and Know..we're Here!
Good or bad....Love You Sweetie!!!hughugs

haylee said...

Tis me again.

I hadn't watched the newsclip associated with that story until after I posted here.

I cannot believe that people are judging this grandmother so negatively because she smokes and has a tattoo -- last time I looked, neither was illegal nor do they a bad person make. The smoking and the tattoo are the ONLY things that clip reveal about that women - nothing more - so how can anyone possibly have any opinion of her? The only thought that crossed my mind, other than the horrific pain she must feel, is that she was smoking out of doors. To me, that probably meant she didn't expose her grandson to second hand smoke.

This family needs to be cut some slack -- it seems no one knows all the details but even they are inconsequential to the fact that a baby boy is dead and a family grieves.

They are in my prayers.


Laura said...

haylee, what was crazy is that so many that I this with were of the mind that because that is not how they would react then the story was somehow not true. If they only knew of some of the crazy, sanity preserving things I did last summer, I'd be locked up on suspicion of murder.

haylee said...

Maybe we could share a padded cell, Laura. Isn't it odd how some seemingly insane behaviors buffer our sanity?

One of my more innocuous "crimes" would be felonious stalking/obsession of Super Mario Brothers from midnight 'til dawn during a time when I felt it was the only darn thing I could control in my life -- boy oh boy! - did I master that sucker! That's a minor one - I plead the 5th as to the others.

I really don't think anyone knows how they would react to any given event nor do I believe that we could ever anticipate the coping mechanisms we turn to. I know that I couldn't - I had such a variety of rituals and "modes" that they would break a camel's back.

Notwithstanding the weather (a taste of the blasty boughs of the North Atlantic -- free of charge), Nik's party sounds like it was a pleasant success.

Take care, my friend,

BetteJo said...

judge not less you be ... glass houses, stones ... etc.
I mean really. How many of us have not made mistakes or prevented one at just the last second? How many of us have gone through what you have?
I can't judge them or you. All I want to do is be supportive. I don't get the people who need to hurt others.

Jessica said...

I really appreciated your perspective on that story.

It seems like we've evolved into this society that must find someone to blame and/or judge. It's sad. I fight it myself.

When you looked back at your earlier blog entries the other day, were you able to see how amazingly far you've come? Your strength astounds me.