Thursday, October 9, 2008

Over it...

For now, at least. Monday was just a horrible, no good, very rotten kind of day. Those happen. Not as frequently, for I have gotten really good at pretending to be someone else. Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. Which is how I want it...need for it to be, at least in my real world. Does that make any sense at all? I didn't think so.

I have told most of my family (save my mom,"Why are you going to go and do something stupid like that?") that I am considering (hahaha-who am I kidding-the Purchase agreement is signed and ready to go) a move out of state. Many have asked me why, and most have agreed with me on my reasoning. Because I am so sporadic in posting of late I am going to go ahead and list the reasons here...

Michigan is so very very much Leonard's place. I hated Michigan when I first moved here in 7th grade. Leonard was the one who took me "Up North", took me on thousands of drives, went to the cider mills...all of those things I can no longer do without breaking down. Some can do these things and sift through treasured memories. For me, it is still unending pain and need and want.
When I am in places that we have not been together, the pain is still there but there are no memories to prod it along until it becomes full fledged and day ending for me. In this way, it is about survival.

My son has asked to move. It has not been the healthiest for him to remain here due to his own memories. He is a boy who very much needed his daddy. Without him, and yet with all of his (James) memories, it is unbearable, too, for him at times. He has told me he feels happier.

Another reason (gosh, I feel like I am writing a 5th grade essay for History class here) is that I do believe it will be good for Nik. She would finish out college here and perhaps join us there. This might cause some to go "What???" and my heart breaks at the thought of being away from her but I feel, at times, that I am not the best thing in her life right now.

Lastly, and I do believe I have written this here before, everyone is waiting for "Laura" to come back. The Laura they knew. The Laura who was in control and cleaning and cooking and ready to get together... That Laura is gone, without Leonard. She isn't coming back. In moving to a new place, that pressure that friends, family and neighbors place on me would gone. I yearn for that.

Perhaps I am wrong... but something-anything-needs to happen.

On to brighter things. I ordered my countertops on Tuesday. Sadly, I cannot go with the rolled edge because it would create a huge, possibly unsightly seam along the breakfast bar. So I went with Wilsonart HD "Night Passage" with a standard edge. I like the Wilsonart because it has a matte/gloss look and is a bit different. It goes well with the new paint job. Why yes, thank you for asking, I did finally get all of that wall paper down and the new paint up.

This is the countertop

The paint is on this page. The one named "Family Tree", which I rather liked

The only thing I haven't done is figure out how to preserve the measuring wall. It is the door frame where my husband measured James from the time he was a year old. About a year and a half ago, my husband measured himself, Nik and me. During those horrible days, the people who came over measured themselves. So there are many Sharpie marks, dates and names on that frame. I was going to find a way to saw it off and put up a new piece of wood. Instead, I may take a photo and then go to Kinkos to blow it up to actual size. We'll see.


Shelly said...

I think the move is an excellent idea for you and James. You need to be in a place where there are no pressures and you can be yourself and heal in the ways that you need to. It would be tremendously hard to keep living in a place where you had lived with a spouse once they are gone. I can't believe that your friends and family are putting so much pressure on you to be who you were before. (Except that from what you've said about your mother, she's a lot like mine, and I wouldn't put that kind of behavior past her.) I find that very sad.

fern said...

Have a handyman take off the piece of wood from the door frame. A picture won't be the same.

Jess T said...

Why do we work so hard to explain ourselves to people? Ya know? It should be about what you think is best for you, right? I envy your bravery! :)

BTW-Facebook is very restricted and you have to grant permission for someone to view your profile. Very different from myspace. :)

Courtney said...

I agree with Jess T. We work so hard in defending and explaining our decisions to people and for what? At the end of the day the only hapiness that matters is our own!

Good luck to you and James.

Kesha said...

Laura, I have NO idea what I'd do in your position. I do know however that YOU are the best at knowing what you and your children need. You don't need to explain to anyone why you do what you do.

I wish you all the best in all that you do. I hope your house sells quickly and that your new home is all you want it to be.


Laurie said...

I have been watching the "New Laura" emerging for a while now and I like what I see. You are making choices that are best for YOU and your kids, not the rest of the family and friends. Making a fresh start seems to be what your heart needs, and you are moving in that direction. I agree with Fern, definitely have that piece of treasured door frame removed for you and a new piece put up. No substitute for the "real thing" here. I would do it for you if I lived close, I am married to a carpenter and am handy with tools if I say so my self.:) Wherever you go, you know that Leonard will always be with you in your heart. Maybe leaving the place of the tragedy will allow you to really breathe again. This is my hope for you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all the comments before me -- you are doing what you feel is best for you and your family. No one else can tell you what is right for you.

I find it pretty selfish of them to expect you to be on some kind of timetable to grieve and heal...much less expect you to be unchanged by the experience.

I wish you the best of luck in this new phase of your life. Everything will work out -- it always does, one way or another.

Marshamlow said...

I think that I often try to explain myself on my blog because it feels good to get it out there. Often when people disagree with me and I listen to their side for a long period of time, it feels nice to have my side put out there. Even if it is only for me.

I don't have any experience with grieving and I don't have any knowledge of how the human brain and emotions work...I just wanted to say that it makes sense to me that you put on your fake Laura self. Fake it till you make it comes to mind. If you are not really happy in the moment but you don't want to focus on your pain, you just want to exist in the world without having your grief take center stage - that to me is not dishonest. Perhaps one day a little bit of the faking will ebb away.

Now I am going to go look at your links.

Karen said...

Your reasons for moving all sound reasonable to me. But it's really only James and your decision. So as long as it makes you happy, everyone else needs to butt out. Right?!
Plus, Texas is lovely, most of my family is there.
And I agree with previous posters, get the door frame taken down and replaced for you.
Good luck with your move!

Stella said...

Dear Laura,

I can only give (((hugs))) about most of your post, but I do have an answer to your measuring wall. I actually did something like what you are considering.

Andy's hobby was leatherworking. He always had a large roll of leather tracing paper in the house. We used to measure all three of our kids and other family members against the wall in my son's bedroom. When we decided to move the doorway we had to tear down the wall. I traced every mark onto the leather tracing paper. (it is sort of like wax paper but more clear.) Then I was able to take a marker and trace the lines on a different wall by making little cuts in the paper as I went along.

Is there still a Tandy Leather
store in the greater Detroit area? That's where you can buy some if you decide to try it.

Even if you decide to never put the marks back on a wall, it might make you feel better knowing you can if you choose to.

(((hugs again))) and blessings to you whatever you choose to do.


TGLB said...

It sounds like a very good plan, and I can see how it would be better for all of you to have a fresh start, where you can be you without the old expectations chafing and hemming you in.

I moved a lot as a kid, and I always appreciated the fresh start. I applaud you making this move, literally and figuratively.

Nance said...

Those would be my reasons for moving, too. I hope everything works out well for you.

Linda said...

I'm glad to see that you are doing what is best for your family. You "get to" make these choices. They are yours. Sounds like an excellent chance for a new chapter in your life.
I love the countertop. It looks very much like what I put in my kitchen a couple of years ago!
That piece of door frame should be able to be removed. We re-did all our door frames a few years back, and you just pry them off. I hope it's that simple..
I have the boys growth chart on the wall in the garage. I won't be able to take that with me, if we ever move, and it breaks my heart to think about that. Now that they are very grown, I look at it often and marvel at how far we have come.
Hugs to you Laura. Big,big bear hugs!

Jessica said...

Hey friend. I think you are doing the right thing. You've never liked Michigan, and it's full of too many memories. I'm really impressed that you're doing what you need to do for you and for James.
My love to you always.

J at said...

"Most days I function and nobody would really know that anything is different. "

I've been thinking about this a lot. The world spinning around me, the events that affect everyone else, they just don't affect me right now. I hear: "We're heading into a recession, perhaps a depression, things are going to get HARD". I think, "Who cares. My mother is dead." I hear, "Paul Newman died. I think, "Who cares. My mother is dead." I hear, "This election is the most important in history." I think, "Who cares. My mother is dead." I'm looking forward to caring again, some day.

And there's a tiny part of me that knows just how much worse it would be if it were my husband or my daughter who were dead. I loved my mom endlessly, but parents are supposed to die first, and she was very ill. There is comfort in still having Ted and Maya here with me.

I worry that by saying this, I will make your pain more. I do not wish to do that. I say it to tell you that while I am in so much pain, I still understand what you are going through.

Moving seems right to me. I've often thought that if Ted or Maya died, I would leave this area. The memories would be just too much, too painful. And the pressure to get better...I feel that here and now. I understand. Bless you hon, my thoughts are with you.

Sharpie said...

Laura - thinking of you today and sending you good vibes to be strong to get through today, and every day. HUGS

today is the present said...

Not that you asked me (especially since you do not know me, LOL) but I think the move is an EXCELLENT idea and I would do the exact same thing, without a doubt.

And another unsolicited opinion, I would take take a good portion of the frame with me and like another poster, would have someone fix it. I doubt a picture will suffice for you later on.

Big hugs and I am so looking forward to reading about your adventures!


desperate housewife said...

I think these are all excellent reasons for a move. Sometimes you need a sea change, you know, not just a little distraction but a full immersion in a new world. You will never be the "old" Laura again, and if the people around you can't accept that and help you to find the new Laura, then I think being around different people is an excellent decision. Good for you, and I hope all goes smoothly.

Courtney said...

I have something for you on my site, please stop by.

Anonymous said...

Are you still around or does 'over it' mean you are closing the blog? I'll check back in a month to see if you're around, if not then I wish you the best in whatever you do.

Chloe Baga, MD, PhD