Sunday, January 25, 2009

Taking (good) care...another confession

It is kind of interesting, making everything just so in this (not so) little house of mine and James. It is funny how 2600-ish sq.ft (no basement though) of ranch can be made to feel cozy. I am buying a lot of warms...oranges, reds and greens, with some gold to accent my blah blah beige furniture choices. The bookcases that had belonged to Leonard's parents look absolutely stunning in the front hall and (believe it or not) have a very Spanish feel to them, due to the dark stain of the pine.

We are settling. Not without the bumps and slight bruising, but it's happening. On my terms. Finally.

Things such as my mother in law calling and saying,"Hi, this is Diane..." when I have always called her mom, bring a smile to my lips. It really just cannot matter anymore, can it?

And always Leonard. There in my mind. Still sometimes bringing me to tears at inopportune times. But not the heavy leaden Leonard that he was becoming in that little house. It still hurts, just not as an always kind of hurt. A little nick of hurt that sometimes becomes overwhelming there, in the bed we shared. Yes, isn't that something? Laura has returned to her bed. Different room, so I can pretend different bed.

And...

...taking better care. I share this with you now because I am acknowledging it here...to myself...for the first time. When I lost my love, I lost my desire to be really alive. One should think that one's children would be enough (especially when one's child is continuously worried about one's health) to keep one going. For me, it was not. Please don't harumph and garumph...for I have done that to myself enough. There was a time there...a year ago, where I may or may not have taken my heart meds, my blood pressure meds, all of those ridiculous meds--when or where I should have. There was a time my twisted, grieving mind thought that my children would understand death by heart failure. After all, how could it be helped? But, really, how could it be anything other than what my love, my life had done to them?

So it is with a willingness to stick this through that Laura tells you she has (faithfully) taken her medication on time each day, for the last...ohhh...4 to 5 months. And she will do nothing but. No matter how bad this living without him may seem, imagining the face of a little guy and his big sister who have seen and known far too much pain in their short lives, is more than enough to keep me filling that water glass.

...and!!!!

...I shave my legs again! Sorry for the TMI, boy bloggers!

Good night all.

23 comments:

Karen said...

It is so wonderful to hear that you are healing, a little bit at a time!

Rach said...

Oh, Honey! What big changes and such small steps that amount to such HUGE things! I'm so excited and happy for you, as you truly seem to be coming alive again, after all this time. :o)

See, this was *SUCH* a good move for you!! :o)

HUGS

Cherry said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy for you Laura! The Bed, The Meds, The SHAVING!

I know we have never met, and what I know of you I know through your writing, but with this post I am seeing a glimpse of the woman I saw before the sadness.

Living is a good thing Laura. And not just for them, but for you.

becomingkate said...

"I lost my desire to be really alive."

This part was so scary for me! It was almost all passive too. Not wearing a seatbelt, smoking like a chimney, etc. I was at the 18 month mark when I felt the biggest amount of healing.
I'm so glad that you're beginning to live again. Sending many *hugs* your way.

Misguided Mommy said...

shaving your legs. girl that is huge!!!!!!

woohee your really lettin your hair down....i can go months with out shaving when i'm in a funk and still i havent shaved above the knees in years.

i love the oranges and reds...a little bit of green is a great accent with those colors

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh Laura,

How good it is to hear the hope in your heart and the small but steady changes you are making for you. I am so darned proud of you and I want to say "Now that's my Laura". You truly are worth the effort put forth sweetie!! And sweet Leonard will always be a breath away, but on your terms and no one elses guilt. He must be proud of you, seriously. I love you girl and am cheering you on from here in California. And yes, distance does make the pettiness seem more clear and ridiculous. Yay Laura, I am happy for you settling in. It sounds good on you:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Ronni said...

Welcome to Texas!

BetteJo said...

I guess I would be surprised if you hadn't gone through some self destructive thoughts at least, but it sounds like you have moved past that. And shaving your legs again? HUGE step! :)

Debra said...

I am happy for you that everything seems to be falling into place for you. I envy your moving. How is the sale of your home here in MI going? It has been no go for us. Still I hope.

Anyway thank you for postin on my blog,and the compliment! I am part of the One World, One Heart giveaway event. Anyone can enter (some require you to have a blog). Please stop by and enter! All you have to do is leave a comment in the post (the one naming the giveaway item), then click on the OWOH giveaway icon and it will take you to a list (almost 600) artists and people offering items for just the time to post a comment!

Have fun!

Rebecca said...

You're way ahead of me, chickadee - I only shave when it really bugs me these days. It's cold and nobody sees them! ;-)

Shelly said...

So glad to hear all of this. Best wishes to you always.

artemisia said...

Laura, I am so proud of you! Sending you warm thoughts and prayers!

TGLB said...

I am so proud and happy for you; you've come so far. Hugs.

Nance said...

I'm smiling.

Donna said...

You're a good girl! And shaved you legs toooo???LOL
Hugs to you sweetie!!hughugs

Gigi said...

It's amazing how a little thing like shaving your legs is such a HUGE thing to celebrate. Your personal growth is amazing. I am so happy for you..or maybe a better word is hopeful! I am glad you are finding some peace. Bless you

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

I'm so very glad to hear that you are doing some better, finally. It sounds like moving really was a good thing for you.

I talked to someone on the phone today about my mom dying, and for the first time, I didn't cry. Almost, but not quite. I don't know how to feel about that.

Courtney said...

I am so glad that you moved, because you *sound* like a totally new, alive person...you are doing wonderful things.

Scott said...

I am warmed reading your post. I have no doubt that it has been harder than even you have described to get to where you are now, but I am very glad to know you have gotten there. The pain never goes away, but you come to an understanding with it.

lol at shaving your legs again, you still have a good sense of humor.

Kesha said...

My heart is happy for you Laura.


big hugs and much love.

Karen MEG said...

Laura, I am so very happy that you are indeed taking care of yourself, you are a special lady, a wonderful mother, and this is such an important step for you. I am so very proud of you (crazy, I know, never even having met you!).

I take great comfort in reading this post. Although we're going through some rough times ourselves, this gives me a bit of a peek into what Mom must be starting to go through. And I hope that she'll get to this place too.

Take good care, and watch for those razor nicks :).

xoxo

Betts4 said...

I am glad to hear you are doing okay. I was told about the 'accept' and 'adjust' that happens sometime during the second year after losing a spouse.
I understand why moving has helped and I wish I could. To be surrounded by a loved ones things, where he stood or sat and you could still see him in your mind, that makes it tough.
Hugs for the steps you are taking!

Sarah said...

I'm so proud of you -- and I totally can imagine that taking your blood pressure meds wouldn't be at the top of your priority list in the deepest dark.

So thankful that you see a little bit of pink-ish gold on the horizon!