Sunday, September 16, 2007

Just one night at a time...

Tonight is the first night, since that night, that it will be just the kids and I in the house. I am frightened by that. I find myself forgetting to breathe, getting chills and just wanting to collapse again. It is almost "okay" when there are people around. The less people, the more his absence grows.

I have been recalling the last moments that I saw him. He was standing at the kitchen sink, drinking a glass of water after having mowed the lawn. A normal Sunday. How I wish I could go back in time and not take that shower, force myself upon him, go with him on that ride to the store. I keep trying to figure out a way to go back and change things...which is normal, I suppose.

I just put my son to bed, after he and his sister and I had a gut wrenching cry... and all I could say is how sorry I was. They start Sandcastles next week and I hope that will help them.

Aunt Diane (not really a blood aunt, but a person who has been so close to the family that my husband grew up calling her aunt, and her family is closer to me than a lot of my real family-she's his mother's best friend) had a bracelet made out of swarovski (sp) crystals with his name spelled out for me. It is beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. Leonard loved a song by Waylon Jennings entitled "It's Not Supposed to Be that Way..." and I played it over and over again in the car yesterday. I think of decades stretching out empty without him, after the children are grown and I cannot bear it. But I have to. and it hurts.

To those of you who have been so thoughtful with your replies, I appreciate it. Your words, your kindness and caring are amazing. I have about 20 or so blogs I visit on a regular basis. I've been trying to get back into commenting. To those of you who let my sometimes disjointed posts stand, you are wonderful. Sometimes I run across a place where a comment of mine has been deleted and it is hurtful, (my husband existed... my husband was 10 x any other man I have ever come across in my life. Of course I am biased, but if you had only had the chance to meet him... ) but then I tell myself that these things are really difficult to understand until one goes through them themselves. Which I hope never happens to another family. Memorializing a loved one,and speaking about them, is a way of working through the heart hurting grief. I hope everyone who reads this feel safe and loved tonight.


Shari said...

I agree with your last paragraph. He was real. It is hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving, but it's worse to avoid talking about him.

I am sure many people say that...they wish they did something different that day...anything to change that day.
He sounds like a wonderful man and you were lucky to have him. I'll have to remember that when I feel like strangling my husband.

I always worry I am saying the wrong thing to you. Just letting you know I am thinking of you.

Laurie said...

I, for one, appreciate your complete honesty here. It lets me know how to pray more specifically for you and your children. I do not have a blog set up yet for comments, but my email address is there and you are welcome to write and share all about Leonard with me. I would never delete a message of the heart. How sad. He is a wonderful man much loved and terribly missed by the three of you. I hope you had a restful nights sleep as you spent it alone in your home. It is good that you cried together, the three of you. You were closest to his heart and still are, only it is different. And I am so sorry for this reality.
Keeping his memory alive is what will get you through, help you to bear all that is ahead, hurting as you smile in his memory. I am sorry for rambling here but I want so much for you to know that new normal is a hard place to adjust to and people need to be extra kind to you and your children. This is uncharted territory for all of you and I can tell you that the Lord walks each step with you, loving you and understanding your hurts, and He will carry you through. He promises to and I am holding Him to this promise for you, to help you feel safe and loved every day. Bless you sweetie and feel free to email if you need to ramble. I would feel honored to give you room in my heart. You have a piece of it anyway right now. There is no proper way to go through this, just the way you and your children are doing it each day is what counts for you. I pray your week brings blessings and sweet memories in the middle of the hurt and I will be praying for your "going through" every day. Love, Laurie in Ca.


MrsGrumpy said...

Shari-He was a wonderful man. I try not to turn him into some sort of a god, but he was perfect for me, for us, our family. And he was loved more than he would have believed. And so very handsome. I never saw what it was he saw in me. The words you have said have been absolutely perfect. To know that other people have read about him makes me feel better. The friendship you have offered through this blog, and your own, are treasured. Actually the people in the blogosphere have been far better than a lot of those that I've known for my whole life. Thanks again. ...and, I will be honest...there are days I wanted to strangle him.


Thank you so much. It hurts to watch my son poke at the wound, but I do think he is a little bit better at dealing (for lack of a better word) after each poke. My daughter is struggling because they had a huge fight a few nights before and all of the reassurances that he loved her and was proud of her don't help a 17 year old if she can't hear them from him. It is my hope that someday she will just know.

rachd said...

I completely understand everything you have written. I too replay that last day over and over and play the what-if game. I too had a horrible time when family left.

Leonard sounds like a most amazing and wonderful father and husband and I'm blessed to get to know him through your blog. Please know I would NEVER delete anything you have written on my blog--you are a kind and wonderful friend and I pray for you and your family every day.

Big BIG HUGS!! :o)

Gina said...

Yes, I am very shocked that someone would delete comments from you regarding your husband! That is just disrespectful, if you ask me.

And never be afraid to talk about him, my dear. He was your husband, your best friend, and the shock of not having him with you any more must be too much to bear.

Whatever it takes for you to work through this, no matter how long, it is ok with us.

Hugs to you...

Laurie said...

I hesitate to call you Mrs.Grumpy because you seem to be anything but grumpy. I will pray for your daughter to be able to let her realize that her argument with Dad had nothing to do with him loving her less. A parents love is unconditional, just like the Lords. He will show her this when her heart is ready to receive it. Your son sounds like he is doing what he needs to do to make it real for him. Bless both of your kids and you too. And I know one of the reasons he loved you so much, you got up with him each day and put him on the road. My husband says that even if I were to go back to bed after saying goodbye, he feels special that I get up with him and kiss him goodbye and bless his day.
And you are a beautiful girl MG, and he is very handsome. We are here to hear anything you wish to write about Leonard and your relationship together. If it makes you feel better to validate the love you had for eachother, good or not so good times, you can share it here and not have to worry about it being deleted. It matters so much.
You and your children have a very special place in my heart and I pray every day for the Lord to meet you when you call on Him. He is carrying you through this time, as hard as it is right now. I hope you have a good nights rest and sweet memories. Love, Laurie

Swistle said...

I read a lot of blogs, and I've noticed several people writing posts saying their comments have been deleted--and I'm starting to wonder if it's a blog software problem and not an actual deleting issue. It doesn't make sense that people would be deleting comments unless they're offensive or spamments or something.

Michele said...

I just *met* you before Leonard passed away so I am enjoying (that might not be the right word, but I think you know what I mean) everything you choose to share about him. Bring it on.

Also, I think everyone grieves so differently that it can be very tough to watch each other go through the process. There will probably be days when one of you feels guilty for being happy agqin, or for not crying, and that's all OK. Sometimes it will be you, sometimes it will be one of the kids who is having a tougher time. It's all so individual.

You probably arent at this stage yet, but I know that alot of people suffer worse from anticipatory grief as they dread an upcoming birthday or holiday or anniversary. They often find that the actual day was not nearly as bad as the days they spent dreading its arrival. Just some assvice from what I have read.
Big Hugs.

Jess said...

I just want you to know that I love reading about your husband and I totally understand what you mean when you say he was perfect- my husband drives me absolutely nuts sometimes but I love him so much and he is a perfect man for me, despite any flaws he has. I have flaws too, so I can't expect more out of him than I do out of myself.

I think what you and Rach are doing is so, so important. Writing about the direct affects of grief due to an unexpected tragedy can be very helpful to not only you both, but it gives insight to those of us who are on the periphery trying to help our loved one through such a horribly hard time.

I admire you so very much and you are in my thoughts daily.


Cherry said...

You have no idea how much it meant to me when I found that first comment you left on my blog since Leonard's passing. I was so touched that you would take the time to read and comment, but I guess getting back into life is just part of the process you must be so overwhelmed by.

I feel for you and have been wanting to comment on every one of your posts but sometimes I don't know what to say, or am afraid that I should be silent out of respect.

Please write away. You can see that we all enjoy your writing and sharing little bits of your best friend is a wonderful way to remember, and it also teaches us all a priceless lesson in love.