Friday, September 21, 2007

Where'd you go?

My son asked me to download Fort Minor's "Where'd You Go" off of Napster to his MP3 player tonight (thank goodness they have a "cleaned up" version of this song). I was listening to it (to be sure of the cleaned upedness of it) and found myself sobbing and rocking my son. It seems I can find anything in a song to cry about these days. God, I miss him.
James (my son) and I went out tonight. We went to "Red Robin" (not my favorite-not a burger girl) because he loves it there. We then went to the mall for a birthday present for his cousin. 12 year old girls are horridly awful shop for. "What would you like for your birthday, Sweetie?" "Anything you buy me would be nice, Aunt Laura." Leonard always wanted to wow her each year. She soon figured out (by age 4, I think) that Uncle Leonard would buy her her hearts desire, as long as she told Aunt Laura first. One year it was an American Girl Doll. The next, an AG Bitty Baby. Of course he always would want to buy her something he loved as a child. Think BB gun and/or erector set here. He'd be so excited. I would hate to pop his bubble,"Honey, she's a girly girl . He always felt really close to her... seeing a lot of himself as a child in her. She is quiet, shy and sweet. My husband is much the same. He spent a lot of time just hanging out and talking with her. It hurt worse watching her sweet face in the days afterward.
After the mall, we went and played putt putt (mini golf). We had gone about 5 weeks ago. I try, and always have tried, to spend time with each of the kids on their own...with just me. Leonard would go out with one, I'd go out with the other. It was really weird to be back at the same place because 5 weeks ago my cell phone rang at just about every other hole with Daddy wondering if we were having a good time. I really wish I had invited him along because our daughter had made other plans that night. Another one for the could have, should have, would have file. It has been a really difficult two days for me. The loneliness is just now beginning to crash in. I spend time with my son, realizing that, in a few short years, he will go the way of his sister. I so don't want to mess up my children. I long so much for one more reassuring,"You're the best Mommy in the world" from my husband,with that incredible wink of his. If he were to come back, I would even forgive him for being a Lions fan.
****HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH***** I wore a sparkly bracelet and earrings for you today.


Shannon said...

You are a wonderful mommy and wife. Every word of your posts and other ones prove this.

Laurie said...

I second Shannons words above, no question about it. Continuing to spend one on one time is a really great way of checking in with their emotions and being there for them. I am so sorry the last two days have been so lonely for you and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel okay but I can't because I don't know how. I will be praying for you during this hard time of missing him that the Lord will fill the hole in your soul with His Love and comfort, and that he lifts you up in your lonliness. Thank you for writing more about Leonard. Quiet, shy and sweet are some really wonderful qualities in a Good Man. I hope tomorrow is more gentle for you.

Laurie in Ca.

rachd said...

You are a fantastically wonderful mother! I've found doing things for the first time since Han's been gone are the hardest. They are always easier for me after that first time.

You are doing SO well! My prayers continue to be with you! HUGS!!

P.S. Thank you for remembering Hannah even during your own sorrow and grief. It means so much to me. :o)

Ortizzle said...

Yes, you are doing so well. I am amazed that you are out here posting and getting on with things. Although that is probably therapeutic in itself. Keep up the brave face, but don't feel bad for the times you need to have a cry. You need that, too.

Here's another hug (((( ))))) and my apologies for not commenting over the last week or so.

Jess T said...

Thinking of you! Trust in yourself. You will know exactly what to do when the time is right. Always hear him in your ear because he will be there with you always.