Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My Father, My Friend

My dad comes over just about every day, with the exception of the weekends. I am so grateful for his appearance at my door, and feel so guilty that I cannot present a better me to him. My father, as I have noted elsewhere in this blog has done everything, meant everything to us. He is also a do-er, which is probably where I got it from. Only, I don't want to do anything anymore. So he does it for us. He took care of the truck, because he knew I couldn't bear to look at it. He bore looking at it, and remembering his son-in-law, for me. He hurts. He says so. He dealt with it for me. He has dealt with the COBRA, the stupid calls from where my husband worked. You name it, he is there. And I appreciate it. He doesn't feel like he has done anything...because nothing has given me peace. Nothing has brought back the me he used to love spending time with. But me, as I used to be is gone. It was me, with the light of Leonard's love in my eyes.

I miss my husband and it shows too much, I guess. I used to worry about my dad (I know a lot of us Daddy's girls do) and then when he got kidney cancer the thought of losing him became very real. Only then, I realized that if, God forbid, the worst thing happened, I had my love, my light, my Leonard to lean on. He's not here anymore.

My father told me today that he cannot bear this. That he worries. And all I can say is, I'm so very sorry. I wish I were a different person. I wish this didn't hurt me...affect me...or cause the changes in me that it has. I wish I could be his girl again. But that girl is gone.


Shannon said...

I can't imagine what you are going through and I also can't imagine what your father is going through watching what you are going through. I will add you both to my thoughts.

Marsha said...

I am sorry sweetie. Sending hugs. It is ok for you to grieve, don't feel guilty.

I gave you an award over at my blog, hope it makes you smile.

Laurie said...


You will always be your Daddy's girl.
It is the pain of what he sees you going through and can't fix that is so hard for him to bear. But he will do it because of his love for you. A parent never stops being a parent, and the longer you know your children in this life, the more their pain hurts. I am so thankful you have him there for you and a new and deeper relationship is forming between you. One with a depth you can't even imagine right now. Hold on sweetie, and I am so sorry things are so damned hard for you right now. I continue to pray that you get some peace here soon.
Thank you for my bracelet and I wear it every day to remember to pray for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

The Stevens Family said...

Our parents hate when they can't fix things. That is probably what your dad is going through. I am so glad he is there to help you and be there for you. Everyone needs someone like that. Thinking of you!

Gina said...

I was going to say exactly what Laurie said, you will always be his girl no matter what.

He probably is feeling helpless, and dads especially hate feeling that way.

I am glad your dad is there to help you.

Thinking of you, and hugs.

rachd said...

My mom, Brien's mom and dad, and the grandmothers in my CF group have all said, (not knowing the others have said it) that losing a grandchild is hard for many reasons, but one of the most difficult being you want to make it better for your child, and you can't.

That makes sense. As a parent, you protect your children, try to ease their hurts, and make everything that you can better. Your Daddy is helpless right now because he knows there is nothing he can do to take your pain away. What a tough position for a parent to be in. This is one thing he can't make better and he so *desperately* wants to.

You will always be his little girl no matter what. I think he must be feeling inadequate, wishing there were more he could do, even though he has taken on so much.

You and your family are making it through, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute (and in some cases, second by second). You are surviving and you are being lifted up in prayers by so many.

Know you are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers ALL THE TIME!


Shari said...

Like everyone else said, you are still his little girl. It hurts him to see you grieving like this and he is dealing with his own grief. He really lucked out that you married such a wonderful guy. Take care. As always, the bracelet reminds me to send a prayer to you, to the people who are affected by CA's wildfire, etc.

Take care. God bless.