I cannot lie. Today is a horribly rotten day. I can't focus on what it is that has happened and I am having difficulty seeing forward...into a future without him.
We had Sandcastles last night. And it went well for the kids. They separate themselves into groups by age. My son had a great time. I was in a group with parents. And you had to introduce yourself and say who you had lost and when. I couldn't do it. I can't face saying it, so I broke down into tears. And the think I hate most is crying in front of people. I could cry in front of my husband, but I hate doing it in front of other people. And the reality of it was too much to take. So I sat like the zombie I have become, wishing that this were a very bad dream. It is, and it isn't. It is my reality, and I don't want it. I want him. That's it. That's all. I am really glad the kids are working through.
Someone asked me how it happened. I am still having trouble thinking about it, that day (even though my everyday begins with thinking about it) that sharing the horror of the day my life ended is still a little too hard to post here. Perhaps, I hope, I can someday. It was just something that shouldn't have happened. Not ever.