Friday, October 26, 2007

My Husband as a mushroom...

Because I mentioned it yesterday I thought I would look for the photo and post it. When he first showed me the picture, I couldn't figure out what it was, but yes, it was a mushroom.
I cannot lie. Today is a horribly rotten day. I can't focus on what it is that has happened and I am having difficulty seeing forward...into a future without him.
We had Sandcastles last night. And it went well for the kids. They separate themselves into groups by age. My son had a great time. I was in a group with parents. And you had to introduce yourself and say who you had lost and when. I couldn't do it. I can't face saying it, so I broke down into tears. And the think I hate most is crying in front of people. I could cry in front of my husband, but I hate doing it in front of other people. And the reality of it was too much to take. So I sat like the zombie I have become, wishing that this were a very bad dream. It is, and it isn't. It is my reality, and I don't want it. I want him. That's it. That's all. I am really glad the kids are working through.
Someone asked me how it happened. I am still having trouble thinking about it, that day (even though my everyday begins with thinking about it) that sharing the horror of the day my life ended is still a little too hard to post here. Perhaps, I hope, I can someday. It was just something that shouldn't have happened. Not ever.

12 comments:

Marsha said...

You are doing all the right things, even though all those things are hard, you do them. Why isn't it getting better then? Be proud of yourself for being a great mom. Have faith that someday all these excruciatingly painful steps you are taking will help.

Laurie said...

Laura,

I am so sorry this is so hard for you to do without any sense of going forward. I wish I had answers for you but I am lost for words. I do have to say that Leonard looks so cute in the picture, not necessarily the mushroom but him. When you are ready to talk about it, you will know. It is a stab in the heart I am sure. You are getting through even though it feels so rotten. I just hope you will see some light soon in this darkness you feel. It is out there through the steps you are taking.
I am glad your kids are finding a way to get through, maybe follow their lead for a while.

Praying for you friend, Laurie in Ca.

Michele said...

My mom once had someone give her this advice "If you want to be holy, do what holy people do." It sounds silly, but it made a big difference to my mother, who at the time, wanted very much to be more spiritual and more grounded in her faith. She started doing what the other people she admired spiritually were doing, even when it felt sometimes like she was just going through the motions, and bit by bit it started to sink in and now she is one of the most faithful and spiritual people I know.

I have used this advice to great success in my life, in everything from being more successful at work to being a more creative and relaxed mother. It feels fake in some situations (sometimes alot, like when I was trying to be a better daughter in law, oy!) but eventually it sticks and feels normal. Sometimes going through the motions works, even when it feels like a waste of time. So keep doing what you are trying to do to get through. Because you are getting through every day.

PS - LOVE the mushroom costume. Love it.

The Stevens Family said...

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.

Shari said...

I don't know what to tell you. Your pain is real; it's still raw. It hasn't been that long. I know it's corny, but time heals all wounds. I am glad that your kids are doing okay.

The biggest thing you are doing right now, besides all you have been doing, is journaling. In some ways blogging is journaling. You are writing your feelings out and it does help and when you get feedback and support, you know you are not alone and that others care.

Take care. God bless.

Gina said...

I am glad that the kids, at least, are able to enjoy Halloween a little bit. My little guy is a pirate as well, albeit a scary one.

Sweetie, don't ever feel that the way you are grieving is wrong.

The girl left behind said...

Being stubborn by nature, I decided not only would I cry when I needed to, I also decided that it was good for other people to witness real pain and suffering. If my character was going to be built by violent force, well, they could handle some, too, in the form of tears. Folks are so uncomfortable around grief, pain, sickness, anything we deem "negative," that when it comes to us, as it must to all of us, we don't know what to do with it, and we are hog-tied by our own and society's expectation that we be happy all the time. It does us a disservice, all of us.

Cry. There is a peace that comes from letting it all out. It doesn't last long at first, but anything is better than none.

Hugs to you.

Betts4 said...

I just got thru my first grief counseling group session- it met for 6 six weeks. It took awhile before I was able to open up. To sit and listen to others and their pain. Take you time with it and don't worry about being the 'quiet' or stone faced one. You will move at your own pace.

And the mushroom costume is adorable...but not if I had to be one. HUGS!!

rachd said...

Hi Sweetie,

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} first, because you so desperately need them. We are continuing to pray for you and your family.

Kids are so resilient and I'm glad yours are moving forward fairly well with their support group.

Cry when you need to. I find it helps the pain lessen for a while. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you. So sorry.

Kesha said...

Laura, you and the children are in my thoughts daily. I don't comment on every entry .. but please know that my heart goes out to you. Msg me anytime .. anytime at all.

:hugggggggggggggggs:

kesha

Haylee said...

Hi Laura:

You seem to like blogging and you sure are good with words so if you feel the need to write about "that" day, why not private journal it & then set it afire since Leonard liked flames -- a little ceremony of sorts.

I hope it helps.

Praying for a peaceful heart.
haylee

Misguided Mommy said...

a mushroom???? might win most rndom costume ever!!!!!!!