First, thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions on my troubles with the children. All of us are in a grief support program and my children also receive counselling. I so appreciate all the opinions shared.
My phone rang this morning while I was folding laundry. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it said "XXXXXX Industries" (name blocked for privacy purposes) and said out loud,"Leonard must have forgotten his cell phone again..." and then silence...as realization snuck back in again. I don't think there will ever be a day when the phone will ring and I won't think it's him. Especially my cell phone. He was the only one who ever called me on it.
The reason his worked called was concerning our health insurance. It is tough for me because I really hate this woman, she refers to me as Ms. on any correspondence and continues to do so even when I asked her to stop and refer to me as Mrs. I will always be his wife. She is the type of woman who's face cracks with the effort when she tries to be nice. When all of this happened (gosh...I think I am getting worse with the d-word) Leonard's work told me not to worry about health insurance-they would cover us indefinitely. 2 days after his service, I got the notice that we were dropped. And could continue with COBRA (i.e $2000/month). I, therefore, had no choice but to continue with COBRA. Only MS.How-can-I-cause-you-more-pain said they didn't get it "in time". The form said it had to be postmarked by Sept 30th. It was postmarked Sept. 27th, because I don't trust her to be helpful or even concerned and had it sent registered mail. The only 'somewhat smart" thing I have done. Now, it will be another battle, because she already sent in the paperwork saying "Thanks but no thanks" on our behalf. I need this insurance due to my medical condition. It is hurtful. It is hateful. It, this small thing, threatens to bring me to my knees...wondering again what did I do so wrong in my life. It is watching the ebbing away of my strength to even deal with these things.
My father came by today. It is so good to see people...then so very hard to say goodbye to them. I want to run away without leaving my house. I want to find some stretch of space that won't remind me of him... I am finding out that that is impossible.
My son came home from school today with his recorder. I forgot how school districts do this. I so look forward to his rendition of "Go Tell Aunt Rhody". I will have to get used to those odd little toots and tweets that recorders are known for...especially in the hand of a 9 year old. He has been the sweetest boy today...and I am so grateful for him. He was (in the words of my doctor) a miracle. There should have been no way for me to carry him to term. She told me that I had "willed him into life". I look at it a little differently now, these past weeks. He was a gift to me. Not a gift to replace the loss of his Daddy, for he is just a boy, my son...is and always will be. No "be a little man"s no "you're the head of the household now"s for him. I have already stopped that kind of talk. He is a gift in himself. And I must remember to be grateful for his existance.
Our daughter was chosed to play "Jo" in her high school's rendition of Little Woman. Her girlfriend (Marmee) was over this weeked and I practiced their lines with them...me playing every part besides "Jo" and "Marmee". My daughter dreams of a life on stage, or in front of camera, one day. I am proud of her regardless.
On a higher note, I received a card and a book in the mail from a woman I used to moderate with on a discussion board I belong to. It was nice to get something other than bills.
Here is my PSA for this evening: Even if you think you are too young, that it won't happen to you, that there is no need for it... get life insurance. My husband and I (I confess it was his insistence 10 years ago because I didn't want to "think about it") took out insurance policies. Three years ago, when I first got really sick, we upped them. That is why these other problems are small problems, not the huge problems that they seem to me, or actually are to other people who have had to deal with the reality of losing their future.
You have all been so wonderful to me. In your comments, and visits. My husband was 3/4's of who I am/was. He was the one who took care of me. He was the one who had the answer when troubles arose. He could figure out most of our financial/household (and especially vehicular) problems in the space of an hour. Without him I am lost. But he would be so glad to know that people check in (even if it is a blog) to care about us. You are special people.
And, on the subject of forgotten cell phones, this is an email exchange I had with my husband this July. I was going through his inbox, and he had saved it. It reads from the bottom up. It is so painful that it was a premonition of my greatest fear actually being realized:
[Add to Address Book]
Re: your mail
Monday, July 02, 2007 11:21:30 AM
Ooops... And I didn't even try to call you yet.
Now, what am I going to do with my day?
Your mom hasn't picked up James yet, Mr. Larkin hasn't dropped the check off
yet, so I'm spending my time making sure that our house doesn't end up getting
visited by Kim and Aggie.
I love you,
I miss you,
***My greatest fear is that some night you won't come home. :(
-------------- Original message ----------------------
whats your greatest fear? i forgot my phone
firstname.lastname@example.org [ Save Address ]
email@example.com (laura harper)
Mon, 2 Jul 2007 11:34:30 +0000
whats your greatest fear? i forgot my phone