Thursday, November 1, 2007

And, we're off...

Here's to attempting to blog every day for a month during NanoBloPoMo. Good luck everyone who decided to take up this endeavor.

I am tired , and I slept fitfully last night. It was one of those nights where you toss and turn and doze, but are aware of your surroundings...while also having nightmares. I could tell James also did not sleep well, and so I am being a bad Mom and keeping him home from school today.

He had a good time trick or treating. his sister took him out and also stayed in her costume, along with her best friend. No, they did not trick or treat. Just the boys did. I could not believe there were actual adults, trick or treating along side their children. But then, you never know a person's situation so I never question it.

It was...an extremely rough evening for me...made better by the fact that my husband's cousin came over with her son to share the holiday. And grandma was here of course. Grandma, who I had blown up at mere minutes after my last entry here. I had asked her to please realize that I was having a difficult time, that it is kind of hard to even hold a conversation these days and that I cannot always run for her or listen to the complaints. Her response was,"Yeah? Well, my life is pretty difficult. I'm not wanted. No one cares." and I blew. And I am sorry. I regret it, but I had reached a boiling point with here. She is very much cared for, and taken care of, even though her health is terrific. She often spends time with us, lives with my mother, goes on vacations. So I went to clarify and she put up her hands and said,"Here me out..no one listens...and..." and I screamed,"My wonderful husband is dead, my kids are trying to deal as am I! I am sorry I cannot make it about you at this time, but I really, really can't..!" Only it was much worse. To which she said," I guess I'm not wanted...you can take me home now." and I refused and went outside for an hour or so. I sat on the swing that Leonard and I used to love to sit together in after he came home from work, and just cried. and screamed. and ranted. And my wonderful neighbor quietly went inside and let me. and calmed down. I went back in the house and, after an hour more, told my grandmother,"I love, I want you here, there are just certain things I don't want to talk about. I can't play mind games about anything anymore...it's just not important. But, you have to know I'm just not the me you want these days." and she sniffed and walked away. But was better. She didn't ask to go home.

Thank God for Deb. She came over with her son to go trick or treating and brought some Birthday Cake flavored coffee. My husband used to stop by her house after work once in awhile, grab a cup and say,"Are you drinking that flavored crap again?". Once, he brought over a big can of Maxwell House. Every once in awhile she would bring some over to my house. He would come home, go to grab a cup and say,"I see Deb was over with her flavored crap again...

We talked about how much this day hurt without him, how much I still need him. I shared some of the cards he had written to me, and some of the conversations we had had. And, as a result, I can barely open my eyes this morning, from the swelling...which goes with talking about a man who is missed more than I guess he realized.

This night, this holiday, was a precursor to the next holiday and the next...and I honestly can't see myself doing them. But I have to. For James. For Nicole. and even for Leonard. But I don't want to. This hurt, this ripping, this poking Q-tips into an open wound that will never heal appears to be here to stay.

Here are my children, dressed for the night. As you can see, James added to his costume and made a most awesome Johnny Depp. And I finally got the parrot to stay on Nik's shoulder...with a lot of safety pins and some hair bands.

Thank you so much, dear friends, visitors and fellow bloggers. For reading. For caring. For commenting.

15 comments:

Marsha said...

Those are some wicked awesome pirates. My grandma is like yours. She often tells us that she is just waiting to die. I love her so much I just don't know what to say to that. She is healthy, has friends, drives, is busy, but this is what she says whenever we see her. Drives me batty.

The Stevens Family said...

Good luck with Grandma. I too have one of those, but she gets so lonely and can no longer read because she has gone blind. She makes comments about never visiting, but when we do, she makes comments about my youngest being wild! She is crazy, don't get me wrong, but you'd think she'd just be grateful for the company. I'm sorry you had such a tough time. I will be praying the days get easier as well as lessen the blow for the upcoming holidays.

Scott said...

Those are some great looking pirates! Your son looks like a natural pirate, although I hope that he follows a different career path. ;-)

Tough situation with your grandma, maybe now she will change a bit, or just keep quiet. But at that age I'm guessing not, unfortunetly.

I don't drink often but I did have a beer, actually two, in Leonard's memory. It made me feel good to honor someone so special. I even took a picture to capture the occasion.

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

At the risk of making you cry any more I have to tell you, I don't see Johnny Depp here, I see Leonard. The facial hair did it for me. Nichole looks so good and bless her for taking her brother out on the town. I am so sorry about your Grandma. I will never understand why some people who have good health have to make up stuff to get attention instead of just being honest about how they really are feeling. This is not the time nor the place for her self-centeredness
and putting guilt out there on you. I will pray that she develops some insight outside of herself. You sure do not need the added "stuff" blowing around right now. I am sorry but I just do not think it is fair at all to you, especially now.
And God bless Deb for being there for you and bringing along the "flavored crap" coffee(I love that). Leonard is everywhere and always will be sweetie, because he lives in your heart. No getting around it, just getting through it and you will, in time(I hate saying that but it does hold truth). Keep doing what you must to nurture this wound and I will keep praying for you.

Love you big, Laurie in Ca.

Kathy said...

Good morning Laura,
I am hoping that you and James enjoy a peaceful, restful day together.
It sounds like you have some very caring friends and family around. (not counting grma's recent behavior!)
I am sorry for your pain and saddness.
Prayers,Kathy

The girl left behind said...

Great looking pirates, your kids. My mother said similar to your grandmother to my cousin who lost her mom years ago, my mother's sister. People who want to play "well, you're not the only one who has it tough" in grief, and life...that's just unconscionable. No one said they were, but the ones who make those statements usually only THINK they've got it so tough. Everyone else assumes it's true, and doen't go bitching about it to all and sundry.

Hang in there. And maybe fewer houseguests through the holidays?

Gina said...

Best of luck to you on NaBloPoMo!

They both look great, I love the makeup additions on James' costume.

Jen said...

Love the pirates - how cool that big sis took little brother out for the night :O)
Good for you for standing up to grandma - hopefully things will get better between the two of you

rachd said...

I'm sorry Grandma has been difficult. It must be hard to meet your needs, your children's needs and then try to meet hers as well. Just keep doing what you are doing. Celebrate Leonard with whomever will listen. Enjoy Deb and her "flavored crap" coffee.

The pirates are FANTASTIC! I'm glad they had fun last night.

(Parents trick-or-treating??)

Cherry said...

Although you have been posting and pouring out your heart already, I hope this month brings you some much needed healing.

I know writing helps me coup and I hope it has been helping you even just the slightest bit.

You've made it through the first holiday of the season and I wish I could tell you they will get easier. I hope your family and friends will be close when you need them and even close when you don't (but know how and when to honor your space).

Its good to see the kids smiling and having a good time!

Michele said...

I know I havent been commenting as much lately, mainly because everyone who beats me to it has such great things to say I dont have much to add. But know that I am checking in and pulling for you.

Really awesome pirates!

Shari said...

Cool costumes!! A lot of kids were pirates. Gotta be the Johnny Depp craze.

Just like Michele above, I don't know what else to add. Just know that I am thinking of you and hope you are have a better day than yesterday and the day before that...

God bless. :) (((HUGS)))

haylee said...

Super-duper pirates!! Isn't it amaging how many years some fake facial hair can add? I must also agree with Laurie in terms of resemblence. Both your "boys" are very handsome dudes.

I am glad your cousin can over and that Grandma toned it down. She probably needed to hear what you had to say -- and kudos to you for not holding it all in!

It was a nice & considerate gesture for Nicole & her friend to take the boys out. She looked great as well.

I pray this month holds much healing and welcomed surprises for you and your family.

Most of all, I pray you once again feel Leonard's aura in your midst.

Jess T said...

Sorry, Laura. I would be frustrated too. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hugs,
Jess

Swistle said...

It is a good thing that I was raised to be respectful to old people, or I would be mightily tempted to say that grandma is acting like a bitch.

You handled it really well.