Here's to attempting to blog every day for a month during NanoBloPoMo. Good luck everyone who decided to take up this endeavor.
I am tired , and I slept fitfully last night. It was one of those nights where you toss and turn and doze, but are aware of your surroundings...while also having nightmares. I could tell James also did not sleep well, and so I am being a bad Mom and keeping him home from school today.
He had a good time trick or treating. his sister took him out and also stayed in her costume, along with her best friend. No, they did not trick or treat. Just the boys did. I could not believe there were actual adults, trick or treating along side their children. But then, you never know a person's situation so I never question it.
It was...an extremely rough evening for me...made better by the fact that my husband's cousin came over with her son to share the holiday. And grandma was here of course. Grandma, who I had blown up at mere minutes after my last entry here. I had asked her to please realize that I was having a difficult time, that it is kind of hard to even hold a conversation these days and that I cannot always run for her or listen to the complaints. Her response was,"Yeah? Well, my life is pretty difficult. I'm not wanted. No one cares." and I blew. And I am sorry. I regret it, but I had reached a boiling point with here. She is very much cared for, and taken care of, even though her health is terrific. She often spends time with us, lives with my mother, goes on vacations. So I went to clarify and she put up her hands and said,"Here me out..no one listens...and..." and I screamed,"My wonderful husband is dead, my kids are trying to deal as am I! I am sorry I cannot make it about you at this time, but I really, really can't..!" Only it was much worse. To which she said," I guess I'm not wanted...you can take me home now." and I refused and went outside for an hour or so. I sat on the swing that Leonard and I used to love to sit together in after he came home from work, and just cried. and screamed. and ranted. And my wonderful neighbor quietly went inside and let me. and calmed down. I went back in the house and, after an hour more, told my grandmother,"I love, I want you here, there are just certain things I don't want to talk about. I can't play mind games about anything anymore...it's just not important. But, you have to know I'm just not the me you want these days." and she sniffed and walked away. But was better. She didn't ask to go home.
Thank God for Deb. She came over with her son to go trick or treating and brought some Birthday Cake flavored coffee. My husband used to stop by her house after work once in awhile, grab a cup and say,"Are you drinking that flavored crap again?". Once, he brought over a big can of Maxwell House. Every once in awhile she would bring some over to my house. He would come home, go to grab a cup and say,"I see Deb was over with her flavored crap again...
We talked about how much this day hurt without him, how much I still need him. I shared some of the cards he had written to me, and some of the conversations we had had. And, as a result, I can barely open my eyes this morning, from the swelling...which goes with talking about a man who is missed more than I guess he realized.
This night, this holiday, was a precursor to the next holiday and the next...and I honestly can't see myself doing them. But I have to. For James. For Nicole. and even for Leonard. But I don't want to. This hurt, this ripping, this poking Q-tips into an open wound that will never heal appears to be here to stay.
Here are my children, dressed for the night. As you can see, James added to his costume and made a most awesome Johnny Depp. And I finally got the parrot to stay on Nik's shoulder...with a lot of safety pins and some hair bands.
Thank you so much, dear friends, visitors and fellow bloggers. For reading. For caring. For commenting.