Friday, November 2, 2007

Day Two

I used that for lack of a better title. I'm bleary minded this morning and yet there is so much I want to write about...and no way to put it.

I hate mornings. I hate waking James up from his sleepy warm nest and making him get dressed, feeding him and making him walk off into the cold to school. Actually, I drive him, but I still have to watch him walk that lonely walk from the car to the school. Of course, I am projecting a lot of my own feelings toward school and its social situations onto him and he probably doesn't feel the same way about it, but I can't help myself. I just want to wrap him up and put him away so that the world doesn't get to him or anything bad befall him. Although, really, the worst already has.

I had nightmares all last night. From images of my him being the subject of a message board where horrible things were being written about him, about us. I know this stems from a search through Myspace and some of the comments that were left on my daughter's friends' sites. I am torturing myself.

Because, with each realization that he is not coming back comes the realization of how much I needed Leonard for my life to be right. I am frightened. Of not seeing him again. Of the wholeness of the emptiness here in this house without him. Of having to deal with everything on my own. It is lonely. I can't be so unlucky as to have my worst fear realized. And I wake up and it has been. It still is.

I started this this morning and then had to go off to work. I do work, sporadically, still. But it is becoming too much to handle for right now. The house I went to was a brick ranch, much like ours. They are a newly engaged couple in the process of remodeling. They are sanding the floors and repainting. They painted their living room the exact same shade as ours and looking at it, and the floors, brought back a flood of memories. Leonard and I, believe it or not, had so much fun doing the living room. We had so many plans for this house. And I have let our sweet little house go. I raked leaves yesterday and it was so hard to be out in the yard...his backyard, his garage...the places he worked, and puttered. I can't seem to look at anything anymore without thinking of him.

I had joined a message board for young widows (grrr...I hate that word) a few weeks after. Reading the messages would bring me down because they would all say things like,"Two months is the worst", or "4 months is hell" and I think How can it possibly get any worse?. So I stopped reading. Last week, at our Sandcastles group, a woman was saying,"The second year was way worse than the first..." and it frightens me.

What I am afraid of is how weak I really am. How easily I can shout at people (grandma, dad, well meaning friends). How quickly gut wrenching sobs can come and pleading with him to come back to me.

I look at the leaves that are falling, and I don't want them to fall. They grew when he was still here. His boots are where he left them, inside the door of the bedroom, and I yelled at the dog for knocking one over. His cat walks through the house, sobbing for him. Literally caterwauling all day long. And it is just me. The kids are doing really good. James has his stumbles, but much less than I thought. Nicole scares me because I wonder when it will hit her... and life goes on.

I am sorry for being so low so often. I feel guilty for not making progress. For not being able to reassure everyone that everything is "okay". I don't know what okay is. Or will be. Working from the fear angle, I am afraid that this is what it will always be.


Marsha said...

What work do you do? No apologies necessary, just be yourself.

Shannon said...

You are making progress whether you see it or not.


Swistle said...

I wonder if that "the second year is worse" etc. stuff comes from the same place as the "Just wait until YOU have a baby" and "Just wait until he's TWO!" and "I thought I had it easy until my SECOND was born" stuff. Some people have a need to tell other people crap like that. Like, "You think it's bad now, but you don't know how bad I have it."

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

"Okay" won't always be this way but right now, this is how it is for you.
You sure owe no one an apology for not being "up" instead of "low" right now. I wish there was something I could say or do to encourage you at this time. I believe you are doing the best you can with what you have.
You are getting it out here in words and not bottling it up, hopefully. I think you are making good progress by just being honest and being yourself. Hugs to you today and you are loved.

Laurie in Ca.

The Stevens Family said...


You need to apologize to nobody. Like Rach said on her blog the other day, it's your blog if somebody doesn't like the mood you're in, don't read it. You are not asking anyone to read, but you are also not preventing anyone to read it. It's their choice.

I do pray things will get easier and you will have more up days, not because I don't like reading when you're low, but for you. You are being so honest when you write and I can't imagine how hard that must be.

Hugs to you and your kids!

rachd said...

You have no need to apologize. This is your blog, your place to write how you are feeling. The rest of us are just voyeurs, peeking inside your world.

You are doing as well as you are meant to be doing. You are doing well. Grief has no timetable on which you are supposed to be doing one thing one day and another thing another day. There are stages of grief, but no one can tell you you should be "here" or "there". You are where you are, and you are managing the best way you know how. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and just breathe.

Kathy said...

I wish we could help in some way, in any way. I would expect no different feelings than what you are sharing. Except your guilt, that comes from our mixed up society, our quick fix mentality. You have every right to 'clothe yourself in mourning and grief' as long as you need. You are daily in my prayers.

Gina said...

You have no reason for apologizing. Your life has been turned completely upside down. Progress will come in due time, and hopefully the good days will begin to outnumber the bad ones.

Alicia said...

Ditto what everyone else has said about not needing to feel guilty.

About the widow board --

I first found it about 2 weeks after Nick died, and I couldn't bear it. The raw pain of those who were newly, suddenly widowed like me was just too awful. The forward thinking of those who were starting to put their lives together was unimaginable. The silliness and references to dating were unthinkable.

So I never went back. Until Nick had been dead about 5 months. I went back to the site with different eyes, and I've been there ever since. It's been over 3 years since Nick died, and I don't post nearly so much as I once did. But I do respond when I think I have something of value to say, when I think my outstretched hand will mean something to someone.

I will say that for me the second year WAS harder -- but it's also DIFFERENT. The pain isn't more intense, but but but ... it's different. It's harder in a different way.

The pain WILL continue to crash over you like waves on a stormy sea. But the time between waves will get longer, the time it takes you to regain your footing will be shorter.

The loss will always be with you; but it won't always define you.

You HAVE been forever changed; but you will NOT be forever broken.

-- Alicia, wishing you a measure of peace today

Jana said...

Hi.....I've been lurking for a while (found you through Swistle) and just wanted to say that I don't think I've ever "met" a stronger woman in my entire life. Your courage and bravery amaze me more and more with each post. Your willingness to share your raw emotion with your readers (and lurkers :) ) just makes me admire you all the more.

I can't even imagine the pain you're going through, but please don't apologize for your emotions. Only you know what you feel, despite what those "well-meaning" people may say.

Stay strong, hun. You've been in my prayers for a couple of months now and will continue to be in them (if you believe in that sort of thing).

haylee said...

Aw Laura, please don't ever feel the need to apologize or feel guilty about your reactions to that which has blown your world to bits.

We can't work through what we can barely comprehend and ... I suspect that acceptance .. the far biggest pill .. is never really completely swallowed.

Like Alicia said, life becomes "different" and it is so understandable why you would want to avoid that now.

Keep the faith that, bit by bit, subtle changes will occur - if only through osmosis -- and you'll discover a place where hurt is less and hope is more.

I pray for you, Nicole & James nightly. May the Good Lord sooth your broken soul.

The girl left behind said...

Dear Laura,

You're not weak. You're human. No one does this "well." Who could? And what would it say about you if you could? I don't know, but you shouldn't worry about it.

I had ups and downs the whole first year, and I couldn't honestly point to a time worse than that first week. The first day. After that, what could be "worse"?

I am at 15 1/2 months now, and, at least for me, the 2nd year is NOT worse. There are bad moments, bad days, and this has kind of been a bad week. But it's relative. When I was at 3 months like you, my worst day now would've seemed like a blessed miracle of spontaneous healing I couldn't imagine because I felt so completely demolished.

And despite the healing I've done, 2 weeks ago, I screamed at my puppies for chewing up the bookmark he gave me. And I'd probably do it again.

You are doing as well as can be expected. Please, take it easy on yourself. This is not a race, even if you try to make it one. Grief will have its due.