Monday, October 29, 2007

New computer. Same life

I didn't blog this weekend because me laptop lost a key and 5 or 6 of the other keys didn't feel like working six out of every ten times I hit them. I was getting frustrated and decided to go out and buy a new one. One with hopefully sturdier keys. Or maybe I will take better care of it. Leonard was always telling me that it was disgraceful, the way my Vaio looked...with the crumbs and the worn off letters etc. It was a "well used" laptop. I am going to refurbish it and give it to my father. He has done so much for me he deserves it.

Saturday and Sunday were filled with missing who I used to be. My aunt and uncle are up from Texas and they came over on Sunday for dinner and visiting. My aunt really wanted to see the DVD that his cousin had put together and watch the video of the service. They were not able to make it up for the service, given the short notice. It was that day again. And all of us-my aunt, my uncle, my father, his girlfriend, my daughter, my son and I cried for what has been lost. This incredible man...this giving husband, and perfect daddy. I had been missing watching the DVD because I do love it, but I am afraid to watch it alone. I can watch it with others around, and cry because they too are crying.

And I hate myself for slipping backward. For screaming and shouting and crying in the car every morning when I drop my son off. Or any second that I get to myself. For wondering who I will be when my children grow up and go off on the lives they rightfully deserve. I find myself wishing it was not my life he had saved that night in January of 2005, but his own. My father begged me to come back today. He begged me to be who I was before all of this. Only one can't do that when they are missing their driving force. This is not how I want to be. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to care. I don't want to wonder. I do want to be existing purely for the sake of my children. But the book that was my life is only half written and there is nothing here to fill the other pages with. That is my fear. I am trying. God, how I am trying. But, when you close your eyes, and your mind is filled with your husband's face, and your last sight of his hands...the hands you wept over, kissed and attempted to breathe life into-in desperation of bringing him back-you lose the ability to know how to finish that book.


Marsha said...

I know that your dad has been wonderful. But, I have to say I am a little mad at him for saying that to you. You have to grieve, it isn't a choice, it isn't selfish, if you push all that down you will break. You are doing the best you can. You are really brave and strong. It isn't your fault that your dad is hurting. Try not to think about many years in the future.

My husband is always rolling his eyes about the crumbs etc on my laptop too. Glad you got a new one. I really love getting a new computer how fun.

haylee said...

Marsha - while I totally agree that Laura's father has been of great support to her throughout, I respectfully disagree that begging to have her back was wrong.

I don't see it as not allowing her to grieve. Rather, I think he correctly senses Laura being so completely overwhelmed (as is he, no doubt) and, loving her as he does, is begging her to keep a toe-hold. I am sure he expects her to grieve and that he supports her in her sorrow but is at a total loss, as is she, to know the "next step".

As painful as it is to realize, I believe he knows that his dear daughter will never be the same but will be thankful for any piece of the past - however small it may appear at the present. A true father-daughter bond is a powerful force and awesome to behold.

Please forgive me if I am mistaken but these are my feelings on the matter and I can totally empathsize with him saying that -- out of deep love and sad desparation to give her something - anything - to hold on to.

Laura, my apologies for "talking" like you're seemingly not here. Perhaps you will share with us your feelings on this.

Praying for soothing of your heart & soul this day.

Sharpie said...

Oh Sweetie - how I can feel your pain and sorrow in each of your words. I know that those memories are etched in your mind right now, but I do think they will fade a bit. A bit, not all the way I'm sure.

Your dad is worried for you, about you - that is all. Take nothing more from his words.

I know that your book is unfinished. All of ours are. We write on them each day. You will find a way to keep that book going - to someday have the strength to hold your head high again, to lead your children through life as their number 1 fan and find peace in your days.

It will come. I pray for you each day to make it so soon. And I am sure many other people do as well.

You are doing great, sweetie. Just keep on doing it. One step at a time - at your pace.

Much Love!

The Stevens Family said...

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face because after reading that, I have a friend sitting in front of me that needs some sort of comfort and there is nothing anyone can do. I am so sorry for your pain.

Shari said...

You get up each day. You try your best to "be there for the kids". You just "do". This, to me, is an accomplishment. You lost someone you loved and you miss him. I understand that. I am sure your dad understands that. He loves you and would love to take the pain away, but he can't and that's hard for a father.

Baby steps.

I am sure God has plans for you. Every time I glance at the WWLD bracelet, I think about you and hope that you feel the support of all of us who read your blog and all of your family and friends, too.

Take care and God bless.

The girl left behind said...

There is nothing for you to hate yourself for. "Slipping backward" isn't actually happening. You just have some days where you can jump forward, and the rest of them are right where grief puts you. Please be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others. You absolutely deserve it. It is early, so early in your grief. No one should be expecting anything of you yet. Not your dad. Not yourself.


Jess said...

Laura, I sincerely hope that as time passes that the grief becomes more managable for you. No one should have to suffer as much as you are.

Did you choose a new laptop? I got a MacBook Pro last year and it is so true what they say- once you go Mac you never go back.

Hang in there, sweetie. If there is anything I can do please let me know.

Karen MEG said...

Laura, please don't hate yourself, and don't be existing purely for the sake of your children. Although you're doing such a fantastic job of more than just "existing", from the sounds of it. You've got to keep on going for yourself too, and the memory of your husband. I know it sound so cliche, and it feels it a little because I've never felt the depths of sorrow that you are feeling right now. Your husband was so unfairly taken away from you and your family at such a young age, but as someone else said, there is more to your book to be written. And there will be good stories, happy stories again, you'll see. You just need to take the time to get there again.
Good for you for getting yourself another laptop. I hope you find this space a place that helps you, even in its own little way.

Kathy said...

WWLD? I 'guess' that you are still talking to Leonard. I pray it helps.
Your entire life changed just a very short time ago, it justs SUCKS, and I am so sad to read that you get upset with yourself.

Swistle said...

That's like pleading with someone in traction to please PLEASE make their bones not be broken anymore. But probably what he means is something more like, "Give me a sign that you're still in there, and that you will survive this." Because of course YOU'RE the most important thing in the world to HIM, and it's got to be just about killing him to see you in so much pain.

Betts4 said...

Laura, one of my best friends asked me when she would see 'the old betsy'. I told her it won't happen. The old betsy is gone and all that is left is half of me. When the wound heals, there will be a scab and then a scar, but it won't be the same as it was.

He is asking because he loves you and wants you to feel better...but it didn't help.

I just hit five months of Jim gone. I am in a week long denial. I keep telling myself that he is just gone away on a trip. A trip he can't call from or write from and a trip I know that isn't real.
I don't have the support I had 3 months ago and seem forgotten by many. Oh well. My dogs are attentative.

It is nice you had family visit you and you could all cry together. It may not have been fun, but you had love along with your tears.
HUGS to you!!!

rachd said...

I envy you your ability to watch your DVD and the service. I had a photographer at Han's and still can't look at the photos. I also can't manage the slide show these days either.

It really does come down to self-preservation, doesn't it?

Congrats on the new laptop! How fun! :o)

Keep doing what you're doing, putting one foot in front of the other, and breathing. Really, it's enough for now. I continue to pray for a lessening of your pain. Don't let others pressure to be more or do more than you are ready for. Grief is a path that is tread individually and you will do things when you are ready, no sooner.