I feel a need to write this. For my sake, my children's sake...and also for the sake of anonymous. Who could very well be a concerned family member, friend, or someone who thinks they know me...or surmises they know of the life I live.
The truth is...if it were not for my children I would easily, and very gladly, followed my husband. I told him a long time ago that where he was would be where I wanted to be...where I always would be. The truth is...it still is. The truth is that I confess to having nights where I beg God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to deal with one more day of this...because I am selfish, I guess. But I can't help that. I have already written the truth that it is a struggle to force my medications down every day. The truth is that somedays I really don't want to. The truth is that many days I do feel as if my children would be better off with out me. Because that is what a lot of us will do in a situation we are powerless to control. And we can't help but think these things...
The truth also is...there is a tree in the living room because I took my son out and bought one. The truth is I have been nursemaid to my daughter for a week now because she is ill. The truth is my heart stopped last night at the doctor's when she passed out (she is okay everyone, she has something buggish going on and hasn't been eating well and that is what caused it). The truth is I cannot bear the thought of something happening to one of my children, but I try not to think about it too much. Why you ask? Because I worried about Leonard that way...and that worry became reality...and maybe I am poison. Again, one cannot help but think they are being punished by losing the things dearest to them.
Also the truth includes... I was always a stay at home mom and I will continue to be so. I'm not a run out for lunch with the girls type, or a weekend partier. My husband wasn't and I am not. I dreaded Girl's Nights before, and went to make my husband happy. I hate crowds. I like being jammified at home. That is the truth. My going to that event would have created strain and stress upon my children. It would not have been about taking a breath. It would have been about drowning in situations where I do not feel safe.
The truth is that my breath is this blog. Beyond that it is my written journal. The things I write about there are the things I can't write about here for fear of hurting someone I have already hurt once. I am human. That is the truth.
This blog is where I cry because I cannot spend my days crying when there are chores to be done, work appointments to keep and children to care for. When I first created this blog I fancied it a place to make friends and share the humor of my family life, and some of the (now seemingly small) fears and tears of the same life. A life that doesn't belong to me anymore, and sometimes feels like it never existed at all. I know that a lot of times this blog is probably hellish and depressing to read but it is all I have. My best friend and confident left 3 and a half months ago. So many of you have commented...so many have cared, with cards sent, wearing the bracelets you asked me for (you have no idea how much that means to me), with being there. You have done a lot for me with your words. You have done a lot for me with your blogs that I can visit and read happy things on and laugh with you...or cry with you...hurt with you. You have helped.
And, for anonymous, I appreciate your concern. I only wish I knew your name so we could talk about it.