Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Truth...

I feel a need to write this. For my sake, my children's sake...and also for the sake of anonymous. Who could very well be a concerned family member, friend, or someone who thinks they know me...or surmises they know of the life I live.

The truth is...if it were not for my children I would easily, and very gladly, followed my husband. I told him a long time ago that where he was would be where I wanted to be...where I always would be. The truth is...it still is. The truth is that I confess to having nights where I beg God to take me in the night, so that I wouldn't have to deal with one more day of this...because I am selfish, I guess. But I can't help that. I have already written the truth that it is a struggle to force my medications down every day. The truth is that somedays I really don't want to. The truth is that many days I do feel as if my children would be better off with out me. Because that is what a lot of us will do in a situation we are powerless to control. And we can't help but think these things...

The truth also is...there is a tree in the living room because I took my son out and bought one. The truth is I have been nursemaid to my daughter for a week now because she is ill. The truth is my heart stopped last night at the doctor's when she passed out (she is okay everyone, she has something buggish going on and hasn't been eating well and that is what caused it). The truth is I cannot bear the thought of something happening to one of my children, but I try not to think about it too much. Why you ask? Because I worried about Leonard that way...and that worry became reality...and maybe I am poison. Again, one cannot help but think they are being punished by losing the things dearest to them.

Also the truth includes... I was always a stay at home mom and I will continue to be so. I'm not a run out for lunch with the girls type, or a weekend partier. My husband wasn't and I am not. I dreaded Girl's Nights before, and went to make my husband happy. I hate crowds. I like being jammified at home. That is the truth. My going to that event would have created strain and stress upon my children. It would not have been about taking a breath. It would have been about drowning in situations where I do not feel safe.

The truth is that my breath is this blog. Beyond that it is my written journal. The things I write about there are the things I can't write about here for fear of hurting someone I have already hurt once. I am human. That is the truth.

This blog is where I cry because I cannot spend my days crying when there are chores to be done, work appointments to keep and children to care for. When I first created this blog I fancied it a place to make friends and share the humor of my family life, and some of the (now seemingly small) fears and tears of the same life. A life that doesn't belong to me anymore, and sometimes feels like it never existed at all. I know that a lot of times this blog is probably hellish and depressing to read but it is all I have. My best friend and confident left 3 and a half months ago. So many of you have commented...so many have cared, with cards sent, wearing the bracelets you asked me for (you have no idea how much that means to me), with being there. You have done a lot for me with your words. You have done a lot for me with your blogs that I can visit and read happy things on and laugh with you...or cry with you...hurt with you. You have helped.

And, for anonymous, I appreciate your concern. I only wish I knew your name so we could talk about it.


Betts4 said...

Sending hugs and love and wishes. Wishes that life was different for many of us. Love for you and your courage to continue. Hugs to let you know I am thinking of you.

red tin heart said...

Dear Mrs. Grumpy, It is BS when people think they know you. My husband broke his neck 4 months ago in an accident at work and we almost lost him a few times due to complications.
He is permanetly paralized from the chest down. I have used my blog as a journal too, and have made some friends on it as well. But then, there are the know it alls. I call them distant relatives of Jobs Friends.
You know the ones who came to cheer Job up but brought him down.
I have one lady who insists on calling me Nina when she knows my name is NITA. I have had people make so many assumptions about my pain.
So I hope the butt holes don't make you feel bad anymore with their "well intentioned words" xoxo Nita
If you ever need a friend e-mail me

Shannon said...

I just want you to know that I think about you often. I'm so sorry for your scare with your daughter. You deserve some peace. If you ever need a friend, I'm always here.


Sarah said...

You continue to show your strength and even without knowing you at all I have seen all along that you have put your kids first in the midst of your unspeakable pain. Don't feel like you have to answer to anyone. You are surviving, and you are keeping your kids surviving. That is all you can do. Anything else is gravy.

When I went through a difficult time -- that in no way compares to your situation, but was tough for me -- I sang, even though it was the middle of July, that song from "Santa Claus is Coming to Town": "Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking across the floor." Sometimes that's all you can do. Breathe in. Breathe out. One foot, then the other.

More prayers.

The girl left behind said...

Nothing you said here surprises, Laura. Not a bit of it. I have prayed for death in the night. And I have kept trucking because of those I love and who love me. It is totally understandable, those feelings, at least to me.


Laurie said...

I too send lots of love and hugs to you tonight. Laura, you are not and never could be poison to those you love. I do understand your fear of this though. Never have I come here and found your writing hellish but I have found it heartbreaking so many times and I hurt with you. I hate that this happened in your life, it truly sucks. You are a wonderful mom through your pain. I admire your love of your kids to keep you going when you don't feel like it, even when they might be in their "pain in the ass phase". We love them anyway because we once were where they are now. This is life and everything that comes with the package. I think of you every day and Leonards bracelet is always a reminder to pray for you. Three and a half months is a very short time to be expected to be moving on, yet you do it for your kids. I am thankful that you have them. I know they are blessed to have you.
And, I think there is no room in your blog here for anoymous commenters. Why would someone want to hide their identity? Makes no sense to me. Love you girl and I am proud of you.

Laurie in Ca.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

Your post was most gracious.

You have made reference to your being a home-body throughout this blog -- I've noticed this because I am too. I would prefer to be at home than out doing most things -- even before my illness.

Fortunately, hubby shares this trait -- I can literally count on the fingers of one hand how many times we've danced in public. Even our wedding was just the two of us & a witness. I don't think it's right or wrong -- it just is.

Now, more than ever, you must do what is best for you and what is best for you is ultimately best for your children.

Poor Nik -- I hope she is feeling better soon.

Maya's Granny said...

Mrs. Grumpy,
write all that you need to here, and all that you can't write here, write in your journal. We will support you in any way that we can. Know that there are people out here who do care about you and who are on your side and who would make everything better for you if we could.

Emblita said...

Dearest Laura, I think we can all understand the lure of oblivion- specially in your circumstances.

I don't think you've ever been hellish- your circumstances may be, but not your writing. I hurt for you when I read, and wish that I could make things better.

Thinking of you

Anonymous said...

While I completely understand your desire to check out, I also think you are stronger and more brave than you realize. Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

Jess T said...

Hugs to you!

Tessie said...

I wouldn't expect the blog of someone in your shoes to be anything BUT the kinds of things you write here. I don't find it depressing, but a testament to your husband and the life you had together.

Shari said...

I am glad that you are honest. Pouring your heart out in writing is so therapeutic and sorts out your mind. Sometimes in educating others, you educate yourself.(At least it does for me.) God has His reasons for what you are going through and He has plans for you.

I am not a social butterfly myself. I don't like crowds. It's too noisy and it's a "hearing-sighted" world. I always feel left out. I am more of a homebody, too.

Take care. I still wear the bracelet. :) It helps to remind me that we all have something to deal with, though it's not the same thing. God bless you and your family. (((HUGS)))

The Stevens Family said...

What a wonderfully candid post! I appreciate your honesty especially in such a difficult time. Hugs to you.

Michele said...

I totally get this. I do. Its a struggle do do what is best for everyone else and to, pardon the expression, "die unto yourself" for the good of everyone else.
I get it, and I think you are amazing.

Kristy said...

I also think your amazing. I've been a 'lurker' for some time.....because most of the time, words fail me.
Know that you are precious and prayers are being sent your way.

Gina said...

I think you are very strong, and that you are doing the best you can under horrific circumstances.

You love your children, anyone who reads this has no doubts. As everyone said above, we are all here to support you, and I still say that you shouldn't have to go to Girl's Night if you don't want to! I wouldn't either!


Donna said...

There's so many before me with such kind and truly loving advice sweetheart!!! I to, am lost for just the right thing to say...so I'll just shut up and listen. (I can do that to!! Oh yes I can!! Whaaat???) LOL
Love and sugars Sweetie!

rachd said...

I have nothing wise to say. Just keep doing what you are doing. Many hugs to you and your family. Use your blog as you need to and know we all support you. We're all here for you.


Kathy said...

Dear Laura,
Dropping in to say hello. I think of you daily and pray for your peace.
I also am a very private person and understand that. I happen to be married to a very social fella and that has been quite the adjustment....
Hugs to you and your wonderful children.

Shelly said...

I agree with Kristy. I lurk because words fail me. I don't have words to comfort you because they fail so miserably at that job. But know that I stop by nearly every day and read and think about you and wish you only the best and peace and comfort. I don't know what to say, and wouldn't even if I knew you in real life, but I care just as though I thought I were your next door neighbor.

Julie said...

Laura, you are cared for and loved by people you've never met, and you are never far from my thoughts.

Anyone who knows anything about you knows your children come first. Also, those who've never suffered a devastating loss have no idea what it is like to pick up the pieces and start over again, and the pain that accompanies every single breath.

Please know that we all wrap our arms around you.


Dan said...

When you need to cry, cry. We can cry together.

Sweetie, come here ...

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}

That's all I had to say.

Karen MEG said...

Laura, I don't find your blog hellish, it is so heartbreaking at times but then how can it be anything but, with all that you've been going through. I want to reach through the computer and give you a huge squeeze for every sad word, every tear. You are so strong and don't even know it. And you are beyond fantastic as a mother.
I know that this blog, it is your refuge. And so it should be, you need your special place.
Hope your daughter feels better soon.

Jess said...

Laura, someone recently posted anonymously on my mom's blog questioning why she never wrote about Hannah. It was a veiled attack suggesting that she didn't care enough to write. Cowards love to visit blogs as anonymous posters- they get to say whatever obnoxious things they want without having to accept the responsibility for saying them.

If nothing else, this blog and your posts are a testament to the love you have for your husband and children. You are carrying on despite the challenge in just doing that very thing. I admire you very, very much. Hugs to you.

Jessica said...

I think you're amazing.
All other words fail me.
You're amazing.

with much love,

Angie said...

You are doing a great job. If anonymous is really someone who cares about you and your kids, they would talk to you honestly and openly about this. By answering as graciously and eloquently as you did, you certainly left the door open for this person to talk to you. Much love to you!

Laurie said...

Hi Laura,

Just stopping by on my morning rounds to say "Hi, I love you, and I am praying for you." I hope Nik is feeling better and that your spirit is a little big lighter after all the love left here for you. I know I have said it before but it bears repeating, you are such a wonderful and caring lady, one I am glad to call my friend.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Swistle said...

You put this so clearly, I can really see how you could feel these ways and do these things all at the same time. I am hoping that in your situation I would be able to hang on for the kids, knowing that for someone in an afterlife it would probably be a blink of an eye until I joined him.

KamaAina said...

If your breath is this blog (what a marvelously poetic sentiment!), what does that make our comments? A form of CPR, perhaps?

Breathe... breathe... c'mon, breathe!

Tall Drink of Water said...


I know it sure does not feel like it, but you are a benefit to your children. You are getting up every morning and even if you are only going through the motions, you ARE doing something. You have not given up, you have not given in to your urge to join Leonard. I understand on an intellectual level how difficult it is to overcome that urge. Your children may not appreciate it now, but they will appreciate how much strength and courage it took for you to keep it together.

I read anonymous' post to your prior entry and quite frankly, I think anonymous is a coward. How dare that person cast aspersions on your efforts to survive a senseless tragedy.

You have my support and love. I continue to light candles for your family. May the tiniest flicker of hope find you and grow.

Kathy said...

Good afternoon Laura,
A quick lunch break here and I dropped in to see how you and the children are.
Hugs, Kathy

Ronni said...

Hi, Laura

Somebody sent me here because my husband put a bullet in his head on August 20.

I am still shattered, but, without small children (my youngest is 17), I don't have the focus you have.

I've been writing about it. I'm starting to write about other things, besides, but my blog is a good release.

Trust your instincts, and don't let any get you down.

Some of us are where you are. If you can stand it, come on over to Ronni's Rants and go back to Aug 20.

Hang in there, lady. We will get through this.

Steve Huff wrote a good entry at Random Lunatic News. His brother killed himself 7 years almost to the hour before my husband did. Go to August in his archives. He has some good insight.