Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lucky

I was watching Good Morning America this morning and the Spice Girls were on. Side note: Did anyone else think that Posh almost looks like she doesn't want to be there? They were talking with one of them (excuse me that I don't know the name because I am lax in my Spice Girls Nameology...but I know Posh) and she said that they were lucky. Lucky in their families, lives and their show. That their life, basically, is very charmed. I felt the familiar pangs of jealousy/sorrow again. I really was lucky. Super lucky. The kind of sick to your stomach lucky that rarely happenes. I remember looking at my wedding ring and thinking the mushy, gushy stuff like,"I belong to somebody..." I remember looking at his picture and thinking,"How did I get so lucky?" There is that word, lucky. Trying to tell oneself to be happy with that. With those 15 years of "luck" is hard to do. I am so very guilty of wanting more. Of realizing that I took that luck for granted and now it is gone. Replaced by jealousy, sometimes, over the luck of others. Replaced by the endless plodding of days. Days that I can't even get one thing done in. Days of memories that I try so hard to push to the back of the shelves of my mind because they aren't doing me any good right now. Walking downstairs and almost shading my eyes against the brightness that are the photographs on a board against the wall.

We were lucky.

13 comments:

Betts4 said...

Oh Laura, I am thinking about you. You described this very well. Lucky, yes we were both lucky. And now both sad and plodding. I am still mad sometimes when I look at a picture and think "why did it happen". I also wonder how I could ever be loved like Jim loved me. How did I get that lucky.

So, do what I do, wallow in the memories for a few minutes and enjoy the luck and love you and Leonard found.

Sending hugs and warm thoughts.

Shannon said...

Posh sooooo didn't want to be there.

You both were very lucky and still are to have experienced the beautiful time you had together.

Lots of hugs.

rachd said...

I can't offer any words of advice because ultimately, losing a child is different from losing a spouse. Yes, I was very lucky to have her for the almost six years I did and I wish daily I still had that luck.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm here and I sympathize, even if I can't understand.

HUGS!

Michele said...

Posh looks like the least grateful person in the world.

desperate housewife said...

Ah, Posh- you ARE lucky, that the HOTTIE David Beckham saw something in your pinch-faced, too-skinny self to love.
Ahem. Not that I am bitter.

Melissa said...

You arent bitter, she IS very strange looking. She looks like an alien to me.

Shari said...

I wouldn't know who's who. I didn't even know they were still together as a band. I am soooo out of the loop. No wonder my daughter tells me to "get with it". LOL.

Hang in there, Laura. You do more than you think and are stronger than you think you are. Hang in there, Laura. I'm thinking about you and sending prayers your way.

Take care.

Kathy said...

I am so out of 'the loop'. I have heard of the Spice Girls but have no idea of what they sing or what they look like. Doesn't sound like I am missing anything.

The feelings you describe sound totally normal and expected to me; given your huge loss of so very much.

Yet, Laura, it meant so very much to me when you offered such warm, caring messages to me when I went through my very scary time and 'luck' smiled for us.

You are a very special person Laura, and my heart aches for you and the children.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

It is 5:09 & I awoke thinking about you.

I know this prayer is rather cliche` but I have found it helps me at times and when times are really tough, it is my mantra.

I hope it help - even a small bit.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I find that when I read the three pieces separately & really ponder on them, it helps.

much love & hugs
haylee

Debbie in NC said...

I was coming to comment on one thing then read haylee's post. Yesterday an internet friend quoted the same prayer to me and it was needlepointed by my Mom who has passed. It hung over my bed my entire 20 year marriage that has ended in divorce. When read in pieces it DOES make it diffent. The second line "Courage to change the things I can" is what I'm focusing on now.

My Dad died when I was 4 1/2 and I have no memory and I am jealous/sad of missing out on the relationship you have with your Dad. My Mom and I were best friends (not always of course lol)and I still look up and talk to her. Every time I see a butterfly I say "hey Mom". I have one brother and his girlfriend left in addition to my wonderful beautiful terrific adorable 21 year old son who is about to join the Air Force and go far far away. My heart is breaking and I related to your post today about walking around and accomplishing nothing.

Please be glad your kids are young and hold them with all your might. Cherish each moment. I wish I could change mine back into a baby. I am going to be left alone wishing I had had more kids!

You are still lucky and blessed Laura even though you do not feel that way now. You are not alone in your sorrow. My prayers are with you!

Debbie in NC

Courtney said...

You ARE lucky. You had 15 wonderful years with him. Just keep remembering that. That doesn't mean you aren't supposed to fell pain about it, just know that you ARE lucky!

Laura said...

I just found your blog via Net on the Net. I read through a lot of your archives and I think you are a strong and beautiful soul. You're right, you ARE lucky. But you're also human. Everyone is in a spot where someone else can look upon THEM and say, "Gee, they're so lucky." So just remember that you have the life that someone else would envy - pain, heartache, mundanity, and all. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and have now been Blogrolled! Take good care.

Jessie said...

I totally know what you mean about looking at others and wondering "do they have any idea how fortunate they are right now?" After going through a devestating loss in my own life, I remember those exact same thoughts...as well as the feeling of not being able to tolerate people who nit-picked about their spouses or who complained about the trite things like the toilet seat up etc.... AHHH It seriously was enough to make me about lose it. But one day I realized this is the only life I have and I need to live it to the fullest, heartbreak and all...and I started then writing down 5-10 things a day (different each day) things I was grateful for. I told myself I couldn't just say "friends" I had to list each one out, etc... somedays I was thankful that I got out of bed...somedays it was that I had a friendly cashier at Target when I needed a friendly face on a down day...and eventually it grew to "I had a blast tonight when I went out with friends", etc....things I NEVER thought I'd feel again.
Anyway, just thought I'd share, I know you know how fortunate you are to have such great kids, but sometimes writing out even the small things helps.
I read your blog daily and am here out in cyber space cheering you on every step of the way.
Jessie