I am guilty this evening. Guilty because these are the words I shouted in a moment of despair, at my warring children,"When I am trying to find good reasons to want to keep living, you guys doing this are not helping!" and I made my son cry, and my daughter flip out. And it was just one of those moments (of many) that I hit that wall really hard again. That was yesterday. And this is today. I still don't feel any better about my life. I still wish that time would speed up, sometimes, to my dying day so I don't have to do this anymore.
I just can't. Today I can't do it because it hurts too much. I took exactly 4 naps today, just to make the time go by faster. The wound burns. My head hurts. And I just don't want to.
But I will, because I have to.
I wish like anything that I could take those words back.
I wish like anything that I was typing something quickly, happily, before I shut off the computer and joined my husband and our dear friends in a game of cards.