Saturday, January 26, 2008

A Very Bad Thing...

I am guilty this evening. Guilty because these are the words I shouted in a moment of despair, at my warring children,"When I am trying to find good reasons to want to keep living, you guys doing this are not helping!" and I made my son cry, and my daughter flip out. And it was just one of those moments (of many) that I hit that wall really hard again. That was yesterday. And this is today. I still don't feel any better about my life. I still wish that time would speed up, sometimes, to my dying day so I don't have to do this anymore.

I just can't. Today I can't do it because it hurts too much. I took exactly 4 naps today, just to make the time go by faster. The wound burns. My head hurts. And I just don't want to.

But I will, because I have to.

I wish like anything that I could take those words back.

I wish like anything that I was typing something quickly, happily, before I shut off the computer and joined my husband and our dear friends in a game of cards.

27 comments:

KamaAina said...

Well, heck, I yelled repeatedly at my (sole) subordinate Thursday afternoon, while we were (yet again) trying to bring the computers back up, because he was (as usual) just getting in the way.

So I guess I'm guilty, too. Any chance we could strike a joint pla deal with the Cosmic DA?

snerkology said...

Just breathe. Breathe, and take it one day at a time. My favorite saying is, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." I am no stranger at all to loss, though everyone's experience is, of course, different. But if I can help in any way at all, you just have to ask. I will send you my phone number, you can call me at any time, day or night. I know it's impossible to answer a person when they ask what they can do to help. I DO understand. Just breathe, and keep going. You will be okay, some day. Maybe not today, or next week, or next month. But keep hanging on, and some day you WILL be okay.

Ronni said...

Don't be impatient with yourself, Laura.

I've been asking myself the question, "when will I stop crying? When will one day go by in which I do not cry at least once?"

I am so sick of crying.

It will happen. We just have to be patient with ourselves.

The girl left behind said...

I honestly think the filter between brain and mouth is the first thing to go in grief. And I'm not sure it comes back with the same force it once had. Forgive yourself, reassure the kids you just had a bad moment, and keep breathing. That's are all you need to do.

Good on you for taking the naps. Yes, they might've been to escape, but there is no question that grief is exhausting, and you probably need them. Naps are a knot. :)

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Angie said...

The above comment was right on, I think. The filter between what you are thinking and what you are say seems to be broken when you are grieving. Wait until you've calmed down, and they've calmed down, and then talk to them about it. I am sure that they are terrified of losing you, after losing their father. They are going to need some reassurance, but they also need to understand that you need some time to breathe, and they need to give you a break

haylee said...

Talk to your kids (no doubt you have already) then FORGIVE yourself, Laura. While you may regret saying it, you understand why you said it. I surely do. You're struggling to deal with a truly soul-crushing situation and everyone has their breaking points. All of us.

You are far from a bad mother -- you are a woman totally encompassed in pain. And you are human. And you are doing your best.

FORGIVE yourself and go on, sweety.

praying for better days ahead,
love & hugs,
haylee

Betts4 said...

Laura, it has been a really rough night at my house too.
I am sending love and hugs because I don't know what else to say.
Just hold on tight and take little steps.
One thing I found in the grief group is that kids heal a lot faster than the moms do.

Alicia said...

Yup. You're a textbook example for Bad Parenting 101. So... take this incident and use it for Good Parenting 202. Seriously. Now is a chance to model for your children the behavior you want them to learn.

You tell them you said something inexcusable and you ask them to forgive you. You do not make excuses or try to explain it away -- we hate it when our kids do that, right?

You acknowledge your pain, you acknowledge their pain, and you note that being in pain can make us do wrong things, but it does not give us the right to do wrong things.

You tell them that you love them, always and forever. You tell them that even though you don't know how, you KNOW that you will all pull through this terrible time. You tell them again that you love them. And again.

And you remind yourself of the eternal nature of love, as something that transcends time. (Building on your response to my thread here...) You remind yourself that love exists outside of time, so that even though it seems like the pain is settling in to stay, the love really IS there to stay. And one day -- probably not soon enough to suit you -- the love will wash away the pain.

It will. Really. I can't tell you when, but I can tell you that it will.

-- Alicia, wishing I could do more than simply wish you a measure of peace today

rachd said...

Five months. Ah, how is it possible? Time flies and yet it drags. It's our friend for getting us through yet *another* day, but our enemy for taking us further and further away from our loved ones.

I used to HATE it when I yelled something at Han that I didn't mean to. There was NO taking it back because the child had a memory like an elephant. My thinking is you just need to sit with the kids and have an honest talk with them.

Good luck, and many many HUGS. Tie another knot if you need to, Sweetie! Hang in there!!

Debbie in NC said...

I have to totally agree with Alicia's response. So much so, I have copied it and sent it to myself to print out and put on fridge. Loss in any form is so terribly painful.

And peace won't come quick enough to suit any of us. But Alicia's right...it will. Hanging on to that is the only thing I have to keep going.

Prayers are still with you, Laura.

Donna said...

We can say So many things that we think we can't "take back"...you can...and they will desperately want to hear it. You're angry..pissed...and just needing to vent. We're all here, listening. Sometimes, on the edges of our chairs...wanting SO damn much to help you in this journey. And if sometimes you "fall"? We'll all be here to catch you...love you Sweetie...

Nance said...

Oh, hell.

Still thinking of you, and I imagine whatever I would do were I in your place.

All the wrongest things.

Shari said...

I've said things I regret to my kids. I am angry and I just blurt it out. I immediately regret what I said. You're human. You're hurting.

I never forgot about a month ago, the girls were fighting the same fight over and over. It was a stressful time and I yelled that stress is not good for my eyes. Keep it up and I'll be blind a lot faster.

I'm sorry I said that. Sometimes we may end up putting a curse on ourselves. I apologized to them and just took away TV privileges for a few days.

As the others say, time is healing. It's just a matter of when. Hang in there, Laura. Remember you are human.

Jess said...

Forgive yourself. Every single parent has said something rash in the heat of a very stressful and frustrated moment to their kids that they wish they could snatch back. You have done nothing wrong, you are a human being with feelings too and it is damn hard to always filter how you are feeling before it slips out.

Hugs to you, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time lately.

maid of sand said...

Dear Laura: Please forgive yourself. Things said in the heat of the moment like that are just, well, part of human nature. I wish I had half of your dignity. Reading your blog has given me the courage that maybe - maybe - someday I can tell my own horror story.

But please forgive yourself and rest in the comfort of your many friends here. Sending you hugs.

Misguided Mommy said...

so after my dad killed himself, i remember being particularly jerking to my mom and one day she just shouted back i wish it was me that died not him, maybe then you would miss me...i never held it against her, because i was always able to realize what she was going through, and that my shitty attitude wasn't helping...your kids will realize that too, no matter what they will understand it was said in the heat of the moment and you never never really meant that. just like me, even now, i've never been angry at her for saying that.

Courtney said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time lately. Be honest with your children, they are old enough for you to sit and talk to them. Everyone says things they regret, imagine that, you're human too. I am sending huge cyber hugs your way...{{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...

I mean this question, in all sincereity....have you been angry at Leonard yet? Angry for what he took from you and your kids, and angry for how he's changed the wonderful life you had..etc..etc.. Your posts so often are about how much you miss him and love him, and I've never heard a trace of anger from you...After going through a loss of my own, I can't get past the anger. How did you do it? Someday I hope you share with us who are struggling to get past anger...
Your posts inspire and touch me...Every.one.
Never feel guilty for being human. Every one says stuff they wish they could take back. your kids are old enough to know you're hurting, and they're definitely old enough to forgive and forget.
Many hugs to you from out here in the blogosphere....

Donna said...

Miss Laura...You've been tagged!! Yes, by me!!LOL Love you Sweetie! Come by for the rules...

Kathy said...

Thinking of you. Lately I haven't been able to access comments,know that I think of you and your family daily.
Hugs. Kathy

Gina said...

The above commenters are spot on. You definitely need to forgive yourself, and perhaps talk to them about it, instead of not explaining that in a moment of sadness and weakness you failed to keep your "guard up."

You are human, Laura, and you are loved and appreciated by many.

Hugs...

Cristina Mathers said...

you are human and as your children grow they will understand how you were doing the best you could to be a wonderful mom and a grieving widow all at the same time. sometimes words sting, but your children love you very much. your strength will one day be inspiring to them.

Emblita said...

The guilt is the worst. I think we all have moments of letting our mouth get in front of our brain- its human and more likely to happen under strain. I think, no, I know your kids will understand.
Talk to them, they are probably right there with you.

desperate housewife said...

Your kids are human, as Misguided Mommy pointed out, and they know where you're coming from. They're right there too. Just talk to them, apologize, and move on. (Easier said than done, of course.)
I would come play cards with you, Laura!
Hang in there. You guys will get through this. Not right away, but in a few years or so you will have found your way to the other side. I know it.

haylee said...

Thinking of you, Laura.

hugs,
haylee

Rebecca said...

Been thinking of you and stopped by to check. Where you at, girl? Please update! ((hugs))

Kesha said...

Laura, I hope today finds you well and feeling somewhat better. I can't pretend to imagine what your days are like but I do hope for the best for you.

I've been checking your blog and missing you.

I hope you're doing alright.

kesha.