Sunday, February 3, 2008

Sheesh...that was painful.

I am happy for Giants fans. But I am in a selfish, sad for myself state. I realize that this is the first time in 15 years I have not shared this (this which many of you will think silly) day with my husband. The first I have not put weenies in the Packers crock pot with barbecue sauce, or made a dip, or sliced cheese and salami. Last year came awful close, with Leonard going to a Super Bowl poker (the boy loved poker) party...but he was home by the half. And I was bummed last year. Never realizing how much more bummed I could be.

I am having difficulty imagining a future-even a tomorrow-without him. It is what it is and I'm still not looking forward to things being "different" if not better. Simply, as I've said 543345 times... I don't want to do this. Even though I have to.

Each day I say, at least 3 times, Please come back to me Leonard. Only that is impossible. Because Fate doesn't allow those kinds of things to happen. Unless you are Denzel Washington in a movie about being able to mess with time. How I wish I could mess with time.

I didn't watch much of the game tonight because, each time I turned it on, I dissolved into tears. This season started with Leonard, and watching the preseason games. It ended without him. And yet I am stuck here. We didn't get to die on the same day like I had always hoped. That life is gone now.

14 comments:

Kathy said...

I can't even imagine how difficult each day, each moment, is for you.
Thinking of you tonight.

haylee said...

I really, really hate that things can't be changed for you, Laura.

I wish I had a Denzil-machine for you.

In this life, it seems like we can swap, alter or turf things that are basically inconsequential to us but the truly important things are out of our grasp.

It sux!

hugs to you,
haylee

TGLB said...

You know, not to be a downer, but I really felt like I did die the day my sweetie died. The soul was ripped right out of me. Like Inanna, I did my time in the underworld, and now I'm coming back to life. It will happen, Laura. It happens slowly, so slowly, but it happens. It took me about a year to start feeling relatively human again, most of the time, instead of a shell. It took another 6 months, until now, where I felt like I was actually living again.

I know it's terrible, but I see signs of healing in you even if you don't feel like they're there. Your sense of humor, however dark. Your compassion for a new widow. You're making it, slowly. Hugs.

Angie said...

I decided to boycott the superbowl and go to the movies tonight. It was much more enjoyable, next time I'll send u an email and you can come too!

rachd said...

Isn't it odd the things that trigger these godawful memories and feelings? Who knew for me it would be my new nephew? Who knew for you it would be the Super Bowl.

As I've wished so often, I wish wish wish I could somehow make this all better for you. I wish it with all my heart.

Much love and many HUGS to you.

Betts4 said...

Laura, I turned to the game as a Patriots fan. But only in the last half hour. Jim was never a big Superbowl guy. We would watch movies.
I was watching tv tonight and there was a movie for some military guy who was just back from iraq and about to be done his time and the last day he was called back to iraq.
There was a scene where his wife says "I don't know if I can go another year without his hands on my face."
I started shaking my head and crying and yelling at her.

And I know you are feeling like me, so saying it 3 times is a very generous understatement.

Hugs and love,

Betts4 said...

ps. I meant I only turned to watch the game in the last half hour. I have been a Patriots fan for many years.

HaleyAngel45 said...

Laura,

I want to thank you for sending me to Nita's blog. Even though I was so saddened by John's death, I was uplifted by her blog in more ways than I can express.

God bless you and you are in my prayers. I pray you find strength in others as I have.

Debbie in NC

Courtney said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry!

Gina said...

I'm sorry that yet another day has reminded you of your loss in such a painful way.

Hugs to you and thinking of you...

Donna said...

Sending love and hugs all around sweetie!!!

Emblita said...

One BIG internet hug from over here!
I can't imagine the pain that you have to endure every day. But you are strong and that shines through every post!

Jeanette said...

I guess I'm glad New York won although I am no fan of any New York team (boo Yankees!!) but I always like to go for the underdog for some reason.
You are as always in my thoughts. This is just one more obstical you made it over. Your doing it. hang in there.

melissa said...

I always feel like people that are against NY teams are jealous lol.

Go against the Yanks and you are itching for a fight :P