I apologize. I apologize that so many of you were unfairly characterized by a commenter on that last entry. It's not fair. And I hesitate to do anything about it. I know I have said here before that I look at the blog part as mine and the comments part as yours...but that was uncalled for. It was uncalled for for you to be spoken about in such a manner. So I am going to address that which I, at first, thought I would ignore.
Yes, I am throwing myself a massive, and at times extremely self indulgent, pity party here. Because all that was right with my life is far less than that now. Annonymous (and I really wish you would have written your name because we could have talked about it. People have come forward before), what is written here is just the head of (for lack of a better comparison) a rather horrible chapter in life. It is (and you will have to trust me) a brushing over of events that are better suited for an afternoon soap opera than real life. And those events concern our children. And when my children cry (as one of them has been doing all week), I cry. He was my whole life. No, I cannot say there was a "life" for me before him. He has/had been a daily fixture in my life from January of my 12th year on earth to last August 26th. It is what is is...for me. And I don't need you to agree with that, just understand it. I have taken a rather cynical view on love and marriage to veer off for a second. Why wrap oneself so completely around another when this is what happens in the end? Why get married, only to have to say goodbye to that person at some point in time? Why? Stupid thoughts, yes. But I let myself indulge.
Secondly, a point was made as to his choice to do this to us. No, sadly my friend I cannot and will not see it that way. We had a saying that I knew him better than he knew himself and he knew me better than I knew myself. It is said that a suicide dies only once and those who love them die a thousand deaths pondering it. There is knowledge for me of why this happened. I would share that but it affects others that I care about immensely and it is not my story to tell. His actions were to protect. His actions were to care for his family...not realizing that we needed him more here than gone. That an event that seemed so huge and overwhelming was already taken care of...over. It was, my friend, an accident. A snap decision that, as I tell his son, if he could he would do over.
As to comments made about those who come here to gawk at a train wreck. Yes, this blog has become a train wreck. Which does make me sad because a lot of people admit they first come here because the title shows so much humorous potential...which I hope it did for some back then. But it's my trainwreck. Yes, I know there are gawkers. I also know there are those who choose to stay-to offer encouragement and even, sometimes, a kick in the pants or another way of looking at things. Some have told me that they have learned from this blog. Learned to appreciate even the simplest things about married life. Learned to think about what is important. I was lucky in that I also got to learn that from a dear friend. She knows who she is but I won't mention her name because I don't want to subject her blog to this. There are those who have sent emails, cards, and gifts meant to encourage. I can never hope to let them know how they have helped us. I could never express how a Christmas package sent by some of the most wonderful women I have ever met and yet never laid eyes on brought cheer to the face of a little boy who was missing not only his daddy, but also his sister's presence when she was sick. How excited he is to open a package from Iceland saying," I can't believe this box was 'actually' in Iceland." All of the things, a prayer candle, a well written card, an invitation into the lives and families of others. It helps the hurt and loneliness but it will never make it all go away.
I will always, a part of me, wish I was with him. At times, it will be a greater wish than anything else. But I can't go with him. I want to, and here, I won't lie about that. I love our children too much to do that...at least I hope so. And I do the things that I can to keep this life as livable as I can. And that includes writing on this blog. You can say to me whatever you wish, Anonymous, all I ask is that you leave innocent bystanders (my Husband, the readers, and also my children) out of it.
I appreciate it.