Thursday, July 17, 2008

It's Okay. Really it is... (for me at least)

I apologize. I apologize that so many of you were unfairly characterized by a commenter on that last entry. It's not fair. And I hesitate to do anything about it. I know I have said here before that I look at the blog part as mine and the comments part as yours...but that was uncalled for. It was uncalled for for you to be spoken about in such a manner. So I am going to address that which I, at first, thought I would ignore.

Yes, I am throwing myself a massive, and at times extremely self indulgent, pity party here. Because all that was right with my life is far less than that now. Annonymous (and I really wish you would have written your name because we could have talked about it. People have come forward before), what is written here is just the head of (for lack of a better comparison) a rather horrible chapter in life. It is (and you will have to trust me) a brushing over of events that are better suited for an afternoon soap opera than real life. And those events concern our children. And when my children cry (as one of them has been doing all week), I cry. He was my whole life. No, I cannot say there was a "life" for me before him. He has/had been a daily fixture in my life from January of my 12th year on earth to last August 26th. It is what is is...for me. And I don't need you to agree with that, just understand it. I have taken a rather cynical view on love and marriage to veer off for a second. Why wrap oneself so completely around another when this is what happens in the end? Why get married, only to have to say goodbye to that person at some point in time? Why? Stupid thoughts, yes. But I let myself indulge.

Secondly, a point was made as to his choice to do this to us. No, sadly my friend I cannot and will not see it that way. We had a saying that I knew him better than he knew himself and he knew me better than I knew myself. It is said that a suicide dies only once and those who love them die a thousand deaths pondering it. There is knowledge for me of why this happened. I would share that but it affects others that I care about immensely and it is not my story to tell. His actions were to protect. His actions were to care for his family...not realizing that we needed him more here than gone. That an event that seemed so huge and overwhelming was already taken care of...over. It was, my friend, an accident. A snap decision that, as I tell his son, if he could he would do over.

As to comments made about those who come here to gawk at a train wreck. Yes, this blog has become a train wreck. Which does make me sad because a lot of people admit they first come here because the title shows so much humorous potential...which I hope it did for some back then. But it's my trainwreck. Yes, I know there are gawkers. I also know there are those who choose to stay-to offer encouragement and even, sometimes, a kick in the pants or another way of looking at things. Some have told me that they have learned from this blog. Learned to appreciate even the simplest things about married life. Learned to think about what is important. I was lucky in that I also got to learn that from a dear friend. She knows who she is but I won't mention her name because I don't want to subject her blog to this. There are those who have sent emails, cards, and gifts meant to encourage. I can never hope to let them know how they have helped us. I could never express how a Christmas package sent by some of the most wonderful women I have ever met and yet never laid eyes on brought cheer to the face of a little boy who was missing not only his daddy, but also his sister's presence when she was sick. How excited he is to open a package from Iceland saying," I can't believe this box was 'actually' in Iceland." All of the things, a prayer candle, a well written card, an invitation into the lives and families of others. It helps the hurt and loneliness but it will never make it all go away.

I will always, a part of me, wish I was with him. At times, it will be a greater wish than anything else. But I can't go with him. I want to, and here, I won't lie about that. I love our children too much to do least I hope so. And I do the things that I can to keep this life as livable as I can. And that includes writing on this blog. You can say to me whatever you wish, Anonymous, all I ask is that you leave innocent bystanders (my Husband, the readers, and also my children) out of it.

I appreciate it.


Courtney said...

I don't have a clue what to say I am so sorry that you were subjected to that. How unfair and I can't believe they said that they would post under there real name and join in on the attack to anonymous. Wow just wow.

Yes, I read to see how you make your way through this. Sometimes I wish you would do/say something that you don't, but it's not my life and I hope to God I never have to go through what you are going through. I hope your day goes better and you can be "above" this person and not stop blogging/venting/being you.

Hugs to you.

Jana said...

You are a much bigger person than I am. I just went back and read the anonymous comment and wow, what a jerk. I really don't think I would have been as nice as you were about his/her comments.

You have every right in the world to grieve for as long as you need to grieve. Some people get over a terrible loss in a month or two and some people never do. Too bad not everyone can accept that fact.

This is YOUR blog so write whatever YOU feel. Your readers love you and care about you (even if we don't comment as often as we should) not because you are a train wreck, but because you are real and you are so brave to share your raw emotions with us. If "Anonymous" doesn't like it, then "Anonymous" doesn't have to read it.

Sarah said...

I'm proud of you for standing up for you. Keep it up. Keep fighting. One day at a time -- you're making it!

~Red Tin Heart~ said...

You know Laura it is your blog and people should respect you. But there are people who don't understand what you are going through.
They can't comprehend the enourmous change your life has taken.
The huge loss..It is one of those things unless you have lived through it you will never understannd it.
I send my thoughts and prayers friend, Love Nita

Donna said...

Well...My two cents are...I come because I just love 'ya....and because....I just love' There!lolol....Well I do...hughugs

Linda said...

I love you Laura!!

Melissa said...

I havent been commenting much, because well.. You havent been posting much. But you are always in my thoughts.

Karen said...

Laura, you stated your point very well. Hopefully now you can just forget about it. Because you do not need to worry about pleasing some anonymous reader.

When I first found your blog we realized we were both Geminis born the same year.It's like we have some sort of connection. So I don't know about everyone else, but I come here to read about how you are learning to put your life together.

Just keep hanging in there!

Jessica said...

I read and comment on your blog because I care deeply about you.

Anonymous has no idea.

I am so sorry someone like that thought that something like that needed to be said, and that it was ok to say it.

Hey - call me if you need help with the graduation party planning. I am pretty free this weekend.


Sarah said...

Hi Laura,

I found your blog a few months back (maybe somehow via Swistle?) and I wanted to de-lurk long enough to say that I'm sorry about the pain you're going through, and the ways that comments like the one from anonymous make it harder.

I'm getting married in two months and when I think about how much I love my future husband and how I can't imagine life without him, I think back to you, and imagine how hard it must be with two children and many more years that you had together than I've had with my fiance. We'll all have to say goodbye at some point, and it breaks my heart to think of that pain. I'm sorry yours came too soon.

I've read a little through the archives but I don't know the specifics of your husbands death, but know this: death, even suicide, doesn't erase love, neither your love for him nor his love for you.

I know you know that because you're living it everyday. I hope you find some happiness someday; keep working toward it, and keep writing. It's good for the soul.


haylee said...

Hi Laura:

To be honest, I can't really remember how I happened upon your blog around the time of Leonard's passing.

What I do remember, and quite vividly, is that you were a person living my worst nightmare. Like Leonard, my hubby is my soul-mate; my everything, my all. Some might say that is not healthy but to them I say "it is what I want & need it to be".

Even without the chronic illness that keeps me in bed most days and necessitates him carrying the lion's share of duties and responsibilities, I couldn't even begin to fathom taking a step into a life without him. But ... like you, I would be forced to take the reins of a life I couldn't imagine nor was prepared for all for the sake of our children.

You know a bit more about my "story" than is written here just as I know a bit more about yours. That said, I think you are doing the best you can under circumstances most people can't even imagine.

My health keeps me from posting as often as I once did but never once did I feel your blog was a "trainwreck" nor did I come to oogle. To me, your posts are a dipiction of a journey so painful that nothing - absolutely nothing - is what it once was. Realizing that it will never again be, has to be beyond agonizing.

You have many times inspired me with your honesty, I have wept with you at times - like during Nik's illness -- and my only intention has been to offer some support, however meager it might be, and pray that it made your day even an ounce lighter to bear.

While we may love our spouses and children with the same ferocious intensity, when we lose one there will be forevermore a vacant ache is our hearts. We have all heard (or perhaps asked ourselves) an expectant mother wonder how she could possibly love the new child with the intensity with which she loves her first-born. I think our hearts have an amagizing capacity to expand and encapsulate all the new loves brought into our lives but I also belive their special spot remains once they are gone.

I have witnessed you make great strides this past year but, as special occasions come & go, it is to be expected that you might not have any extra energy to be spent on smiles strictly for the sake of others.

Love 'n hugs,

PS: TO anonymous: Even with Laura's more cyncial yet understandable take on marriage, I hope someday you too are blessed with a love that defies description. Only then will you feel the shame for what you have written.

mamaredhead said...

Laura, I am a fairly long-term reader of your blog. I have never equated your story with a heart-wrenching movie, snacking and sniffling, walking away entertained and satisfied. No, I read your blog because, quite frankly, I am pulling for you! I'm rooting for you, Nik, and James, to be able to rise above this tragedy - scarred but not dismembered - eventually. I am. You're doing fine. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

My other thought is that people tend to think they know every detail of a blogger's life just because they read their blog. What they don't understand is that you only post a snippet of your life, only what you choose to share - we only see the tip of the iceberg.

Anonymous, go away.

TigereyeSal said...

My two cents:

Laura is not a train wreck, nor is her blog, and because it is HER blog, she pretty much gets to say whatever she wants, here. The rest of us are guests, who are welcome to keep our opinions to ourselves, or to share them, as we see fit.

Suicide is NOT a choice. When an adult ends his own life, it is a reflection of seeing no other way out of ending a profound, blinding pain. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and how we wish we could have given our loved ones that message in a way they could have heard it before that made their lethal mistake.

Furthermore, mental illness clouds the thinking, and unwell minds are likely to forget what sensible behaviour is, and make us act in unsafe ways.

Okay, end of rant. I hear such resolve and strength in this post of yours today, Laura. I'm looking forward to seeing where you're heading next.


Kathy said...

Well dang Laura, I was glad to see you back but not so glad to read the trashy comment.

A train wreck? I see more of "The Little Engine Who Could"!

Your writing is superb, your response to anon high-class; your life sucks right now, we care about you and want to let you know you are thought of and cared about.

I am glad you enjoyed So. Calif. Glad you are home. Enjoy Nic's party.

Cathy said...

I got though June, it was Dave's birthday, Father's day, school finishing (kindergarden graduation.. a bit different than H.S. Grad!), and I was supposed to go to the crash site with Dave's family. What I know now is that I wish I would have taken some ativan to ease the pain, and that it was just too much for me to handle. I got though it, but it was messy. I pitied my self, I hated my life. My mom and sister are toxic, it makes it even harder to grieve when the people you most need are not there for you - I truly get that!
Keep writing, you are a good writer, that is why people come to this blog. And to watch you heal. You are healing, slowly and surely. To open up your healing to the world is a gift to people like me Laura!

Debbie said...

My brother and I are 49 and 53 respectively. As adults who lost their Dad when they were mere toddlers, I know how important it is to have a Mom to be there for them 100%. No, at first she wasn't. She wanted to crawl in a hole and die. She had no way to support a family with a 9th grade education. Luckily for us, we had a neighbor who took Mom under her wing and MADE her realize we were her top priority.

Laura, this is my main concern. I am praying that you blog here about your hurt and grief, but then continue on as normal as possible with your kids, putting them first. Letting them know how the 3 of you will be fine and life will go on. Getting your son engaged in activities with male adult role models and continue doing the vacations and parties for your daughter. It sounds like you are doing this and again I'm proud of you.

I'm hoping by now, your kids don't see you cry as much, that you cry in private. I've been there hon, and again JMHO.


Nance said...

As always, I'm thinking of you.

Tessie said...

Laura, I just want to say that I DO NOT come here, and read every post because this blog, or your life is a "trainwreck". What you write is important, and inspiring in its own way, and most of all we just care about YOU.

Hang in there. I'm sorry this happened.

Cherry said...

I only get to read blogs occasionally these days and don't get to comment often, but man that was a doozy!

I started reading here before Leonard's death and was struck by the love and honesty in your posts, especially those about him. Your writing from the heart is what draws people to you. I was crushed and shocked by the news. I followed your posts religiously out of genuine concern for you and your kids. There was no trainwreck watching. I admit as I was going through some dark times myself I was not able to read or comment here much in the last year.

I have continued to be amazed that you have remained as active as you have in the blogging community. You continue to post what you honestly feel in that moment. Which I agree is awesome therapy! You read other blogs when you can and take the time to comment.

You have a wonderfuly big heart which spills out into the internet with grace and purity. If your heart aches, it is what we see. IF you are full of joy, you express it beautifully.

You do what you need to do, when you need to do it.


camielmom said...

I come to this blog because someone I love and care for deeply writes it. I don't come to gawk. I come to see if maybe today is a 'good' day and she's not hurting as much.

Love you, Laura.


Rach said...

Hi Friend,

I'm here to support however I can. You know I love you!

HUGS! :o)

P.S. I'm SO sorry you had a troll. So so sorry.

Marie said...

Laura, I am sure you are honest about your struggles and sorrow for the same reasons I share mine. It's not for sympathy but it is theraputic. Something about getting those thoughts out there and sharing them and maybe,just maybe, being understood, helps.I also hope by sharing my son's story and my life as it is now may help someone who is hurting so bad that they see suicide as an option.
It takes courage too do what you do, Laura. Keep on keeping on the best way you can......{{HUG}}

Shari/"Whiger" said...

I don't know what to say here. Some people grieve harder than others. Some were probalby on the verge of divorce so it didn't affect them as much. Then again, suicide is different, too. My cousin killed himself. No note. Baby on the way. We don't know why he snapped.

For the record, sometimes I think people think my blog is a pity blog. Maybe they feel uncomfortable with what I describe. I don't care. I tell it like it is. This is my life. This is what I am feeling. If you don't like it, close the site's window and move on.

There. :)

Thinking of you. Take care.


Anonymous said...

Laura, I am here because I would never want you to think you're going through this alone. I can only feel sorry for someone else who would post something remotely like "Anonymous" did the other day. It wasn't to encourage or to comfort. It was nothing but destruction. I can't imagine what kind of toxic sludge lives in the spirit of someone who'd think it was an appropriate thing to do.

When my mother died, the social worker at the hospital told us that it takes five years to mourn a death in the immediate family. You not only lost your husband, you lost your best friend. All the rest of us can do is offer a comforting shoulder or a listening ear, and hope that someday, you will wake up and the pain will be lessened.

I think of you every day. I hope you'll always know that.


Laurie said...

Wow Laura,

I come here today and see that I missed reading the nasty comment that was left on the last post. I just don't understand the meanness that someone would post anonymous venom and have the nerve to admit to posting under their name. Such people really need help themselves. I have never seen your blog as a trainwreck, but I see it as a painful life that I never want to experience personally. If my husband of 40 years were here today and gone tomorrow, I don't know if I could take the heartache. I know it is a real possibility that someday, one of us will lose the other to death, we are 60 and can't live forever. We have invested alot of growing up time together since we were 19 when married. It has not always been easy, but we complete each other. This is a risk in falling in love so much. And I admit, it scares me at times. I read your words to learn not to take my relationship for granted. I read every post and sometimes don't comment because I feel so inadequate for words of encouragement. But I do pray for you to get through. I am learning that there is no time line to grieving such a loss. I know you only to the extent that you share yourself here, and I like the person that I see. I can't imagine the struggle you face each day and I hate coming here and seeing cruelty spewing out of a rude and cowardly commenter. They need to get a life and counseling, and stop kicking someone who is trying so hard to keep going. I am going to stop here because I feel myself starting to boil about this. Please know that I would never do this to you Laura, I don't even know how to post anonymously:) Seriously. I will continue to pray for you guys and read what you have to write. I love your heart and though it is broken, you carry on. I admire this.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

lae21 said...

Most people can only wish for a love like you and Leonard have (present tense used on purpose). All of us are given gifts and trials in our lives. Unfortunately jealous people like "anonymous" only see what they lack, and try to hurt those who have attained something they never will. Why else would they take the time to post such hateful words on a public blog? So even though you're still in pain at losing the love of your life, the memories you share bring the beauty of your life together alive for those of us here on the 'tubes.
I have to confess I hadn't read your blog until I read your daughter's posting last night. Being nosy, I took a look. Reading about your life with Leonard has made this old love cynic believe that there might really be true romantic love in this world. It is easy to understand the grief you still have over losing him. You are handling things the best way you know how. That's all any of us can do, really.

Cristina Mathers said...

anon has not heart and no balls since they didn't name them self. who can say such things and not back them up with at least a name.

your tragedy is yours. what kind of person would you be if you weren't heart broken and paralyzed at the loss of your husband? who would you be if you weren't lost and sad and hurt and depressed?

you can only do what you can do to cope and be strong as you can. i think it was very rude and inconsiderate for someone to try and make you feel bad for having feelings.

you feel what you feel. it's no one's right to tell you how to get through a tragedy such as the one you are experiencing.

i am amazed that people take the time to send comments so hurtful. don't they have a life?

ignore them. you know better anyway.

Cristina Mathers said...

and for the record, i read your blog because i find it compelling. not for the "trainwreck" factor. in my opinion a trainwreck is someone who is too chicken shit to revel themselves yet still goes on spewing their rude opinions.

Laura said...

Bless you, Laura. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few months ago ...not really sure from where now. I was struck by the honestly with which you write, and still am.

Ignore the idiots. The world is full of them. Try to remember that you have a bunch of folks pulling for you who really want you to heal.

Betts4 said...

Laura, you have been a good support for me in the past months and I don't think you should change or stop your blog for any reason. This blog is here for you to get the thoughts out of your head and driving you crazy. Use it as a way to express your thoughts for the day.

Anonymous may be someone near to you that thinks they know what is best for you...but they don't. I have seen that happen on other widows blogs. You grieve for as long as you need to and want to. It is your grief you need to handle not theirs.


Lynelle said...

I began reading your blog through my friend Betsy's blog. You and your readers may find this Newsweek article ("My Shrink Says ... Blog!) interesting

MJ said...

I just happened upon this blog from Sharpie's blog, and I have to say, I am horrified that someone would say such spiteful things to you and about your husband.

I myself have lost too many friends, to diseases, freak accidents, and suicide. You are absolutely right--no one in their right mind would apply such a permanent solution to a temporary problem, no matter how big it is.

I feel for you, and I admire your strength to keep going. Not move on. Keep going. He is watching over you, I know it.

Only someone who has no idea of what it's like to have loved and lost would say such heartless things. I feel sorry for Anonymous; someday she'll have to eat a massive amount of crow.

I have been married for only 15 months, yet I can't remember what I did before I met my husband, who I talked to, the things I did. I didn't start truly living until we became a couple.

God bless you and your family. Know that your husband is in His care.