Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Lesson Learned... and a tough week.

Let's see...well... The root canal turned into a nasty extraction. And I sit here wishing he were here to baby me. He was so good at babying me, and so many found that so hard to believe. I miss him more it seems.

His birthday was Monday and I found myself reading the blog entry of last year and hating myself a little bit. I had put off buying his gift. Yes, it didn't matter to him, but it matters to me now. I can't go back and change that. It is...always...going to be about regrets.

Our anniversary would have been Saturday. I can't believe-can't make myself believe-that there will be no more of those happy years to mark off. Only one, one anniversary that even the thought of brings me to tears.

The other day, the receptionist at my dentist's office (we all went to high school together so I know them well) asked "What can we do to get you to stop this?" What can we do? I don't know. I just need him. God I need him-

-to buffer every tough moment with the kids
-hold me when I fall asleep
-listen to me and talk to me (God I don't want to forget the sound of his voice)
-make love to me
-be me...he was me...and I am lost still.

Nik's graduation party is next weekend and I have done the following to prepare:

-Absolutely nothing

And 100+ people are expected when I only expected to get a 50% return on the invites. 20 RSVP'd after the date of 7/10. There it is...and I don't want it.

I am going to do some therapy tonight and visit some blogs.

20 comments:

TGLB said...

"What can we do to get you to stop this?"

That's some serious presumption and ignorance there, however well intentioned. Ouch.

I tend to think I'm functioning pretty well as a bereaved person 2 years out. But even so, as I'm dealing with this sadiversary, I find myself still aching for him, wanting the impossible. It just is. You learn to live your life with "this" as part of it. You're making it to the dentist, you're going on trips, you're planning parties. I still think you're doing pretty damn well, Laura. Sending you hugs.

Emblita said...

Hi Laura,
100+ person graduation party! Dear god thats a lot of people.... I hope it goes well. Just keep it simple... or better yet how about having it be a potluck? Less work for you :)

I didn't know that your dad's and your darling husband shared my (well our)birthday. What an amazing coincidence.
I wish I could tell you happy aniversary... instead I'll send you one very large internet hug.

Courtney said...

I like the receptionist wish there was something I could do to take it away, but unfortunately we can't. Hugs to you always, but especially during this rough time.

Anonymous said...

I think it might help you to consider two things:

1) You lived without him for many, many years. You were alive during that time. You actually ARE able to live without him, and you are doing it right now.

2) He knew how much you needed him, and he deliberately left you. He wasn't killed in an accident: he CHOSE to leave you and the children. He didn't care that you needed him.

I want to make it clear that this is not a "drive-by": I am a long-time reader (since before Leonard killed himself) and regular commenter. I don't have the balls to say any of this with my real name, but I don't think anyone would, do you? This is harsh stuff.

There are many people who deliberately seek out and read "trainwreck" blogs. Your blog is a trainwreck blog, and you have attracted that following. They are eating popcorn and watching with shiny eyes as you continue to allow yourself to spiral crazily. You say you can't help it, but right now you're milking this so hard, you're going to pull the udders right off.

I am not a fan of trainwreck blogs, and I have stayed with you because I liked your writing and I think you're a cool and interesting person. Or you were, before you became someone who does nothing but pity herself and talk nonsense about needing someone so much you literally can't live without him. That's ridiculous, and you are a smart enough person to realize that once the initial grieving stage was over. At this point, you are addicted to the pity and the kind words.

I imagine there will be fall-out from this comment. Your trainwreck fans will descend on me: how dare I take away their source of entertainment! I will probably join them, leaving a comment under my non-anonymous name.

Heather said...

I love you Laura. Hop on a plane and fly out here for our party on the 27th. You know you wanna. Some good Atlantic ocean air will do you some good.

And no, I'm not joking.

Hugs,

Heather

TGLB said...

An anonymous troll is still a troll. You judge Laura and you judge her readers' motivations, when you know neither. The opinions of the cruel and the cowardly hardly matter. If you don't want to read, move on. But don't be an ass. No one else would say these things under their own name not because they are afraid, but because they were taught how to behave decently toward others.

artemisia said...

This has got to be a really tough patch for you, Laura. Carry on. You've made it this far.

Anonymous - wow. I think the cruelest thing you did (and the most offensive) was to post anonymously. If you really want to help Laura, why not truly ENGAGE with her? An anonymous whipping (and snarky jabs at the rest of us - you haven't the slightest why each of us are here) is just hurtful. I am not sure you want to help.

Nance said...

There's still plenty of time to get that party ready, believe me, as long as you don't convince yourself that you have to do tons of cooking. You can get prepared foods/trays/cake/cookies for reasonable prices. The company and celebration is the reason for the get-together, so keep that in mind and let convenience and simplicity be your guidewords. You can do it. And don't be afraid to ask for help. I bet lots of people would be happy to lend a hand.

You can do this. For Nik.

Linda said...

Laura,
You have loyal readers, not because you are a "trainwreck" but because we truly care about you and want to encourage you as you go through your journey of loss. Never once, have I eaten popcorn with shiny eyes while reading you!
Anonymous,
I hope you feel better after writing that trash. This is Laura's place, Laura's space. Now go away, FAR FAR AWAY!! Thanks.

Annoyed said...

Anonymous...
you are an a$$
as someone who knows Laura personally IRL, I think I would know FAR better than you. Do you think that if she was feeling sorry for herself she'd be throwing her daughter an huge grad party. Not me, I'd bet if she was feeling sorry for herself sde would be sitting at home not planning. You are an insulting and hateful person who clearly knows nothing about suicide, grief and real love. You are bitter and you don't need to read if you don't want to and you sure as hell don't need to comment. Spare us your cruelty and het the hell out of here becaus eno one really cares what you think , least of all Laura.

Fern said...

WTF???

I am totally confused. Stop doing WHAT? Being bereaved?

I am not sure I understand the mindset that a person should "get over" a loss. Continuing to live is pretty huge, in my mind.

People are attracted to "trainwreck" blogs, if that's what we're going to call this, because they want to see how someone survives one of our worst nightmares. How do you go on after losing the love of your life? How do you go on after losing a child? By being honest, Laura is showing us, and she does no one any good by faking that she's fine. How in the world could she be fine?

We all like to see people grieve quickly and cheerfully, though, don't we? Because... that is reassurance that we'd get through it, it wouldn't be *that* bad, we could go on and get another baby if ours died. We could feel independent and strong and raise our children as both mother and father if we lost our spouse. It would be okay. And you know, there are plenty of blogs like that out there, if you want more inspiring reading.

I don't think it is fair to judge Leonard, either. We don't know what he was thinking before he ended his life. To say he didn't care is ridiculous.

And anonymous, if you are going to post such a hurtful comment, and then post under your normal identity in outrage over the anonymous comment, that's really crazy. I mean, *really* crazy. Why would you do that? Just admit to yourself that Laura's life experience has taken her story out of your sphere of interest, and move on. There's no need to behave like a junior high girl and pretend to feel differently than you really do.

Laura, I wish I had anything helpful to say. My heart breaks for you.

Marshamlow said...

I am speechless by your anonymous commenter. I have encountered many people in my life who have great lives but chose to dwell on the negative and chose to be miserable. Which is very frustrating for the people who love them but don't want to be miserable and just want to be able to have that person in their life without all the misery.

It sounds to me like your mom and grandma are a bit like that in real life. Sometimes your posts make me think that you are worried that you are bringing everyone down and that is not your intent.

I haven't any experience with someone in my immediate everyday family dying. I can only imagine or look at what others have said. I think that grief is different than pouting and being miserable just for the sake of being miserable. The birthday, the anniversary, the dentist, and the all too soon anniversary of Leonard's death are all understandable hard parts of the process.

For the last few months you have been very quiet on the blog and your occasional posts have been a little dark. You know I went threw a similarly dark period when we moved, or when my kids were born. Feelings of depression happen to us all, it is a part of being human, but it is also a part of the grieving process.

I can't help but feel that going through the whole grieving process even if it takes you many years is going to be good for you and your kids in the long run. It is the only way you will be able to recover.

I think (and really what do I know) it is ok to embrace the depression until you are ready to leave it behind. Try not to think about how you feel now as forever. Try to focus on today. Today you feel like crap, and you don't feel like you will ever be better. But, try not make the decision about how you are going to feel tomorrow or a year from now, or twenty years from now. I think that is too much to handle.

I hope you have people to help you with the party planning. Yikes, we just had a bbq with 10 people and I thought that was a lot of work. Good luck.

PS to anonymous, perhaps you are not aware that there is a way to see the ip address of everyone who reads and comments on a blog, so if Laura chooses she can see who you are, so you aren't actually anonymous! You are known.

camielmom said...

Anonymous. You should probably stay anonymous because your comments are so incredibly hurtful and ugly, it would be hard to imagine you in a human persona. How about you get back to us after you've gone through with Laura has? Maybe then you can offer 'advice'. You're disgusting.

Tall Drink of Water said...

Laura,

I love you. I love your family, and I hurt for you.

Anonymous, you are cowardly and cruel, and your post was beyond the pale. I honestly hope you never have your life touched by such grief, since I am pretty sure you would crumble under it.

Donna said...

**I imagine there will be fall-out from this comment. Your trainwreck fans will descend on me: how dare I take away their source of entertainment! I will probably join them, leaving a comment under my non-anonymous name.**(copied exerpt)
***********************************

Oh Sweet Laura.....This is the part that got to me..."I will Probably join them..."

How sad for her...someone who rebels and yet, can't stop looking. Like passing by a bad car accident: we hate to see someone in pain, yet, we keep...looking....and commenting.(Under her REGULAR Name)

Bless your heart. If I were you, I'd do like Marsha suggested about the IP address...it'll take you where you need to go....All my love to you and the children!!
You're doing Great sweetie! Hang in there!!!hughugs

KamaAina said...

Dear Anonymous (if that is your real name):

Put a cork in it.

Anonymous said...

wow. I clicked on this blog from another that I read regularly. Wasn't expecting any of this.

My name is Jane and I do know what it is like to lose a family member through suicide. Not only does Laura have the grief of missing one she loves, but she also has to deal with the questions - from both herself and from nosey others as to why. Laura is lucky in a way because from this post it appears that she knows the reasons he chose to leave. My family still doesn't, and never will.

I wouldn't wish this grief on anyone. I also wouldn't presume to know how best to "deal" with it, or how long it will take to "get over" it. Everyone is different. But I do believe that writing about it helps a LOT, as sometimes those closest to us can not hold all of our grief. Writing provides a vessel to hold the over flow.

Good luck to you Laura. Love the ones you have, and soak up the love from them.

Anonymous said...

Hi Laura,

My name is Lauren and I just stopped by to give you a hug and let you know that we love you and wish only the best.

:hug:

Debbie said...

Laura,

I've been visiting for almost a year and have watched your progress and I understand this blog is for dealing with your grief. You have almost made it to the year point and I'm proud of you!

I will admit though, I'm wondering when, if any, anger is going to come through. I think it will and that will be when the true healing process begins. JMHO...which means nothing, really.

Love & hugs,
Debbie

BetteJo said...

Why someone would want to comment just to be needlessly hurtful and cruel is beyond me.

(((HUGS!!)))