Happy Mother's Day

To the wonderful friends I have made here, the family that may, or may not, lurk here...to all of you who are, or wish to be, Moms.

Today is hard. It used to start off with my husband and my son agreeing on the this question, posed by my husband,"We have the BEST Mommy in the world, don't we?" That won't happen. And each of these events: Mothers Day, Graduation, Prom...all of these things that he should be here for... are breaking me. The little inconsistancies, that grow with time, in my parenting, and/or lack of... scare me. I am making a mess of this. How does one do this? Change that, how does one do this when one doesn't want to, isn't the strong one, and isn't prepared???

Trips and Tears and Testng my limits

Prom went off without a hitch for Nicole... Well, there was one hitch. The one where I had to re-hitch the brooch part of her dress back on her dress after it dropped to the floor on their way out the door. She had a good time and they looked nice.

I am dull and drab and wishing that I had blogged here more often, instead of staring off into space. I think part of my problem is that, when the real hurting started, I shut myself off from the rest of the world. I haven't really "chatted" with anyone, haven't done much of anything. Unless you count the part where I went off as a chaperon on James's trip to Mackinac Island. That was a tough one because it not only was a visit to a place where Leonard and I had made many memories... we also stopped at Hartwick Pines, another of Leonard's favorite places. I spent a lot of time trying not to cry by throwing myself into the activities with the kids. Although it was bitter cold, I sat "up top" on the ferry to Mackinac with the boys in my group and we came really close to "Mighty Mac" and the boys loved getting ice cold spray in their faces. James? Well James was smart. James was down with another chaperone because he didn't want to "get cold". We were gone for two (pics of which I will have to scan in when I get them developed because we brought disposables)nights. I had to walk the halls each night between 2 and 3 AM...which isn't conducive to a good night's sleep and also leaves the grieving much more susceptible to crying bouts. I went outside at 3 AM, thinking I could have a good cry, and go to bed.. Only, when I came in, James's teacher was up and I could not hide the fact I had cried myself blotchy. He didn't say a word, though. I appreciated that.

I have more to write, but I also have two work reports to finish and if I don't do those well... Then I'll really be remiss. I've missed "being" here and hope I haven't worried anyone too terribly. I was just going through (still am) a spell of hating this and missing him and being disbelieving about the whole horrible mess.

Parent Appreciation Night

Last night was Nicole's schools' Parent Appreciation Night. Nicole goes to a school with a graduating class numbering in the 30's, so they can do this-without it ending up being an hours long event. It is hard for me to act "normal" in these situations. The saving grace is that Nicole's friend M lost her father when she was 10...so at least there is one person (her mother) who understands that odd, spacey, not wanting to do this without him, kind of attitude. It was very well put together by the kids with some very funny moments. For me, it was bittersweet. It was what Leonard, even more than I, had looked forward to, planned and parented on. He wasn't there, only present in his name on my bracelet. And all of these moments, strung together like those beads spelling out his name, make me sad. So very sad. So very still not wanting to do this thing on my own.

So much for Warm Weather

It was nice while we had it, for last week. It was good to see James out argu...er...figh...er...playing with his friends. I have been having such a difficult time of late that it is good for him to be able to run off with them for awhile. He started baseball and it appears he is a natural at 1st base.

Nicole has prom coming up on Friday, so I will be dusting off the hair pins and spray again for both her and her girlfriend. Her (Nicole's) dress is a flaming orange with matching shoes and perhaps we'll get a tiger lily for her hair.

It has been so long since I've written anything of much substance here and I hurt for it. It is just that so much is hitting me all at once that I don't know where to begin. With Nicole graduating, and the summer sports schedule coming up, it is almost hard to breathe. Thank you all for you constant concern and many kind words. I think I will spend the day visiting my favorite blogs and then come back for round two.

Rough patch

I'm just going through a rough patch at the moment and cannot seem to keep my head together for the time it would take to fill you in. I am hoping to be back soon. I had some days where I really thought I was losing it. Thanks for your concern.

Merlin

And now, for something totally different, this is Merlin. Merlin is 15 (almost)and, despite arthritis and being a bit pudgy (25 pounds at last weigh in), is still getting around pretty well.

Merlin was my father in law's cat. I will never forget going to visit my father in law and seeing this little bitty black cat in a hamster cage with a can of Fancy Feast... My father in law was not well versed in the care and feeding of a new born kitten, but, somehow, Merlin survived it. We had Merlin's brother, a gray Tabby named Sweetie (because we thought he was a she). They were alley cats and my father in law said the daddy cat was the biggest domestic cat he had ever seen. By the time Merlin was 8 months old he was huge. We were stunned, the next time we saw him after the kitten in the cage incident. A panther like creature (with the little bittiest paws) strolled out of the bedroom. Merlin ate whatever my father in law ate. He is the only cat I have seen growl and chase off a dog 4 times his size over a piece of meat.

My father in law gave Merlin to us the year before he died...when alcohol replaced a cat as his best friend. Merlin came to us demanding people food (no sirree kitty boy) and was not, shall we say "cuddly". I think he missed his daddy. Most days I would find him laying on his back, cooling his tummy like in the picture above. It is almost indecent if you stare at it for too long. In time, Merlin became Leonard's best friend. Wherever Leonard was, Merlin was. When Leonard came home from work, Merlin would stroll up and talk to him until he responded. I swear to God, this cat would talk until Leonard paid attention to him. Krandall (the chair) was purchased in part to make room for Merlin to lay alongside Daddy during afternoon snoozes. They were buddies... and now it seems, again, as if this (not so) little guy is lost. It hurts me to see him wander through the house, crying for his daddy. I know people will think I am crazy but he is not the same cat. He has, in a sense, lost his nuclear person twice. I see him, now, trying to imprint on James. James is annoyed by this and does not appreciate Merlin waking him up in the morning as much as Leonard did. Try as I might, Merlin is just not happy cuddling with me and kneads and head butts and rolls around... finally giving up with what I swear is a sigh. I look at this cat, who is one of my connections to my husband and my father in law, and I dread the day I don't hear that cry anymore. Leonard always promised he would take care of the animals "when the time came". That is the reason why we brought them into the house. I guess it's just another thing affected by his not being here. How different and hurtful this life now is... for us all.

Spring Cleaning

At least, I hope. There were those 2 (or was it 3 after all) drawers, and I got rid of the dust bunnies (more like ponies) behind the television. So, as I often say, there is that. I am attempting to pitch and sort and decide...because I don't know what to do or where to go right now. I just know that this was our house,and yet I cannot think of it as my house. I don't think I can go on here without him. But, the sifting through of our life (too short) together is too much to contemplate at some points, and not so bad at others. Tears are threatening so I'm going to cut this short. I miss running around, visitng blogs. Perhaps I will do that tomorrow.