Thursday, November 29, 2007

Slippery slopes and sinking ships

Tonight we had our Sandcastles grief meeting. James and Nicole were tired and, at first, didn't want to go but I think they are glad they went. Me... well I don't want to be there and I don't want to talk but I do listen. I just can't believe, at this point, that it will get better.

We went around the table(s..for there are far too many fathers, mothers, daughters and sons lost too soon) discussing plans for Christmas. Each person had to say their intentions, what they were thinking about doing, what worked/didn't work for them. It got to me and I really couldn't think of much to say. Only that it's a little bit like standing on the deck of the Titanic as it sank. The water is the holidays. I know I am rushing toward them as I grip the railing, trying to find purchase and a way to stay out of that bitter water. That analogy came to me the other day as I watched that film with James.

What it is that I am trying to write about for myself for Nanoblopomo and to attempt to heal a little bit is what happened the day that I lost him, how I lost him and the affect it has had and the reasons why this is so difficult for me. It hits again and again. Waking up each morning thinking that this is the day I wake up from the dream. Talking to friends of his/ours that still can't believe it to be true. All while trying to maintain a game face for a little boy who wants (and needs) a holiday...some happiness...some normal. I have to do this.


Tessie said...

Still here. I think you are doing great.

Anonymous said...

Laura, I read your blog daily and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Some day we'll meet and I'll hug you for real.


Jess said...

Rachael and I talk of you quite often, like we know you in "real" life. I know this holiday season is going to be so much for you both to get through but please know that there are those of us around who will do anything to help and lighten the load.

Take care of yourself, even if that means the holidays aren't celebrated quite as exuberently this year.



The girl left behind said...

You know, after 16 1/2 months, I can say I am better, but I am not "best," if that makes any sense. And I can also tell you that at 13 months I was still a fair mess. The improvement is very, very slow, but it really is there. I didn't believe it would happen, either. But others did. I, and many others here, will keep believing for you until you can believe it yourself. We don't mind.

And despite all the healing, for which I am grateful, even just today I asked him, "Where are you?" Still don't know how a person just stops one day. I guess we just learn to live with not knowing. What else can we do.

Hugs to you.

Gina said...

If it would ease your burden a bit to speak about what happened, then by all means write.

But if you are doing it for other reasons, then I see no compunction placed on you to share something so personal.

Do it in your own time, my dear. If this is too soon for you, it is simply too soon.


Laurie said...

Sending you lots of HUGS from here, hoping and praying for courage to get through each day in this new normal that your heart wants no part of. I am so sorry for this unbearable burden you carry alone in your heart.
I am praying for peace for you girl.
I hope you feel loved by each person who comments here. You are in my heart every day and I wish I could help you through this in some way.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

Jess T said...


Thinking of you!


Shari said...

Keep holding to that railing, Laura.

Still thinking of you. :)

The Stevens Family said...

Don't let go of the railing! Hold on for as long as you need. If you are wanting to write the story as healing, great. Do it in you own time, in your own way and I hope you do find some sort of comfort and healing.


Shelly said...

Reading you daily, thinking of you often, and praying for you and your family. Best wishes.

Michele said...

You are remarkable.

haylee said...

Dear Laura:

I so agree with Gina. There is no dangling carrot here -- if you feel you will benefit in speaking about it, by all means do it. But it must be 100% for you -- you owe no one here any debt, excuse or apology.

I always found my heart to be a better barometer than my head in emotional issues .. let your heart be your guide.

If your concern is having certain people read this particular post, I believe there are ways to password protect it -- although I am not exactly certain of the process. The password is then e-mailed to those with whom you wish to share. Or maybe therer's a "friend's list" where only those listed can read your blog. (MySpace has this function)

Only your heart knows what is best for you but please keep in mind that you can't unring a bell.

Wishing you peace.

Shannon said...

HUGS. I've been reading, just quiet.

Jeanette said...

Hi Laura
I discovered your blog a few days ago and have been reading through your archives. I just want you to know how very sorry I am that you lost your husband. I have no words of wisdom. I can only say that I am praying for you and that I think considering the circumstances, you are doing as well as can be expected. Time will heal.

Hey, I'm from Michigan too. Sounds like you live not too far from Selfridge.

Donna said...

Letting you know I'm still here praying and sending you and your family hugs sweetie...